Sunday, December 31, 2017

i <heart> nfl: betsy devos

Last week saw the addition of the KC Chiefs, LA Rams, NO Aints, and Carolina Panthers to the postseason roster. The final 2 spots in the AFC will go to two of the Ravens, Titans, Bills (!?), or Chargers, with the final NFC slot going to either the Falcons or Seahawks. As is done with soccer (metric football) matches, the NFL has flexed all the playoff-deciding games to 4:25pm this afternoon to ensure the outcome of one game doesn't affect the play of another. 

Sun 1pm: There's no reason to watch any of these games. Instead, spend time reflecting on 2017 and contemplating what 2018 will bring.

4:25pm on the dot: After playing like butt last week, my Dirty Birds seal their spot in the playoffs with a win as the Carolina Panthers rally around sexual harasser, dictionary definition of 'scowl', and soon-to-be-former owner Jerry Richardson. The Seahawks, otherwise, could sneak into the postseason by defeating whatever is going on between the Zony Cards and HC Bruce Arians. Whether the Jax Jags start QB Blake Bortles or his clone will dictate the difficulty of the Titans in winning their matchup, which would guarantee them a playoff spot. My beloved Ravens hope to have enough fans at M&T Bank Stadium before NYE Stoop Party Time (which starts early in Baltimore), as a win against the Hapless Cincy Bagels and their lame duck coach also guarantees a playoff ticket. The Buffalo Bills might want to keep just 11 men on the field, since they need both a win and some help, as do the LA Chargers, who finally became the team they were meant to be just when it was too late.

Saturday, December 23, 2017

i <heart> nfl: rick perry

Yours truly just returned from Asia, so apologies for no NFL update last week. Let's get things back up to speed with congratulations to the NE Pats, Yinzburgh Stillers, Jax Jags (!?), Philly Eagles, and Minnie Vikes for securing spots in the postseason. With only 2 weeks remaining in the regular season, here are the possible scenarios for your team to make it in one of the remaining seven spots. In other news, the Panthers are for sale after team owner Jerry Richardson, the type of person that the Double J insists we need more of, found himself under investigation for workplace misconduct. The XFL is getting revived as a response to national anthem protests. And the internet was p0wned for a couple hours when the Washington franchise decided to change their name to the Redhawks.

Sat 4:30pm: My beloved Ravens are running out of time to make some noise in the postseason, but helped their effort with a win over the betrothed Indy Colts. 

SatNF: In a division rivalry game of little consequence, the eliminated Packers host the NFC North Champion Minnie Vikes.

Sun 1pm: In control of their destiny, my Dirty Birds are ready to get fucking set for the playoffs by eating a W against hated division rival NO Aints and their dipshit fans. Fans of the Buffalo Bills are faced with the cold collision of reality that they likely need to win out the season, starting against a NE Pats team manely focused on banning Tom Brady's quack guru from team facilities. It turns out the 0-14 Cleveland Browns don't have real players which is why they're living in Hell as they look to give da Bears a Browns VIP experience.

4pm-ish: Bitch, the Seattle Seahawks got that lawyer money that they'll need to pay the first concussion protocol violation ever levied, as they face a Dallas Cowboys side where both teams require victory and help from their NFC compatriots in order to punch a ticket to the playoffs.

Xmas 4:30pm: The Texas Houstons turn one team's trash into little kids' treasure after the Yinzburgh Stillers left a real mess in the kitchen last week. 

XNF: After losing starting QB Carson Wentz to a season-ending ACL tear, the Eagles need to achieve plan/prayer parity with backup Nick Foles back under center, as they look for home field advantage against an Oakland Raiders squadron that was eliminated from playoff contention by the edge of a notecard.

Sunday, December 10, 2017

i <heart> nfl: ben carson

The big news this week is that NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell will remain obscenely wealthy after his $200 million five-year contract extension. Also, there's been some coach/GM firings, as you'll read below.

TNF: The NO Aints don't remember choking against my Dirty Birds in an exciting matchup featuring lots of interceptions, half-ending illegal formation penalties, WRs making open-field tackles, and a coach getting flagged for unsportsmanlike conduct. 

Sun 1pm: Good news for fans of Manningface! The NYFG have mercifully fired both head coach and general manager and QB Eli Manning is back as the starter against the underperforming Dallas Cowboys. The (Cleveland) Browns fired (GM Sashi) Brown on their way to the 0-16 parade, but at least WR Josh Gordon is back to lighting things up on the field, as they host a GB Packers team biding time until the return of Aaron Rodgers.

4pm-ish: As a fan of parlays, it's good to know that the 3-9 Denver Broncos can still make the playoffs if these 27 results go just right, the first of which is a win against the N-Y-J-E-T-S. After QB Russell Wilson prepared himself with Google and their WRs prepared themselves for shittalk with Richard Sherman, can the Seattle Seahawks perform another Galilean transformation for the win against a suddenly dangerous Jax Jags defense and their bologna-sandwich-enjoying head coach? The LA Rams have put out a literal casting call for "fans" to "cheer" for their "favorite team" against a Philly Eagles squadron that can likely boast more of their own new worst fans in attendance.

SNF: Fresh off a heated division rivalry that witnessed players lost to injury and suspension alike, the Yinzburg Steelers face another heated division rivalry in my beloved yet not-quite-elite Ravens looking to eat another W

MNF: QB, purveyor of awkward social media, and whiny bitch Tom Brady is going to be with one less target after NE Pats TE Gronk was suspended for a bullshit late hit, as they take on a MIA Fins side that, err...., really loves football.

Sunday, December 3, 2017

i <heart> nfl: eric hargan

With great sadness I report the unfortunate situation that is the end of Manningface for the season. With surprising constancy at the HC position yet not the QB position, the 'classy' NYFG botched Eli's benching and will be the last franchise to start a black quarterback in the form of Geno Smith (fresh from the other NY team). Given the paucity of middling QB performance in the NFL, Manning will likely be traded in time to make silly faces for us next season.

TNF: Even after stuffing the defense, the Washington [Redacted] were in no color rush to defeat division rival Dallas Cowboys, whose QB Dak Prescott is starting to connect with star WR Dez Bryant.

Sun 1pm: Starting to resemble their 2016 NFC Championship form, my Dirty Birds look to party like it's 1998 as they bring the Minnesota Vikings to their new nestThe Jimmy Garoppolo era begins for the Santa Clara 49ers against da Bears, who aside from trying not to disappoint their mothers, don't know exactly what they're doing. No need for high fives with my beloved Ravens embodying the life lesson of "you don’t have to be good all the time, only when people are watching," as their elite punter keeps them in the playoff picture because the AFC is dogshit this season and face a D'town Lions team that can't even implode their old stadium. The Broncos and Dolphins face each other live from QB purgatory.

4pm-ish: Zony Cards backup QB Blaine Gabbert gets a bad rap 'because he was on really shitty teams,' but now he's dialing up W's yet will have a hard time against an LA Rams team that doesn't have time for your fancy celebrations, featuring a re-made QB Jared Goff primed for a playoff push. Which hat will Carolina Panthers QB Cam Newton wear against a potentially over-conservative NO Aints squadron in this decisive NFC South matchup?

SNF: Philadelphia Eagles QB Prince Harry needs to take care of that premature explosion problem before his wedding night as he faces the toughest defense of his breakout season in the Seattle Seahawks.

MNF: After miraculously escaping a loss to the GB Pack last week, the Yinzburgh Steelers have to watch out for a Cincy Bagels squad that's out to ruin their Christmas.

Sunday, November 26, 2017

i <heart> nfl: alex acosta

Welcome to Week 12: Thanksgiving Edition of NFL action! By virtue of the holiday, three games have already been played, but since BYE weeks are now over, we still have 13 matchups to complete for the remainder of the weekend. In other news, you are probably aware that the NFL can't stick to sports and it's all the NFL's fault, so the NFL may go back to keeping players stay in the locker room during the anthem. NFL Shadow Commissioner Jerry Jones as threatening to go after actual NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell 'with everything he has,' but instead is pissing off all the other owners with his 'antics' and now they're looking for a way to remove him. Also, Papa John's Pizza has apologized for blaming slumping sales on the national anthem protests. Oh vey! In lighter news, it's very appropriate that the Georgia Dome, former home of the Atlanta Falcons, was demolished the same day they played the Seahawks. However, Seahawks HC and 9-11/truther Pete Carroll must be pissed off he couldn't get a full view because the game was in Seattle. And in other Atlanta-related news, here's Chad Ochocinco busting his ass on a skateboard.

Thanksgiving: The Minnie Vikes are attempting the challenge of becoming the first team to play the Super Bowl at home, as they edged out the division rival D'town Lions. The Double J has threatened his Cowboys to play better or else, but it seems now that fans have discovered the conspiracy against themthe Cowboys can turn things around after losing to the LA Chargers, who are the only team looking to win the AFC WestYule like that the Washington [Redacted] overcame the adversity of playing on their home turf to earn those sweet potato yams and showed the NYFG another way to fail so that these kids will be fired.

Sun 1pm (PJ Leahy's, LIC, NYC): Having barely made it out of Mexico City without any earthquakes or volcanic eruptions, the NE Pats host a Cutler-less MIA Dolphins. The Buffalo Bills still can't decide whether they like throwing 5 interceptions in a half or not, as they take on a KC Reidskins side featuring a landlocked Revis Island and interceptions thrown by QB and TE alikeAfter embarrassing the depleted Seattle secondary, it shouldn't be much of a puzzle for my Dirty Birds to bring those same talents to the TB Bucs defense, with everyone's favorite Harvard grad Ryan Fitzpatrick shaving during No Shave November.

4pm-ish: NO! God damn it, no! This AFC West rival game will appear on both of our TVs, featuring between the Broncos, who are a mess and just fired their OC, and the Raiders, who blow their plays before they even start. LA Rams QB Jared Goff's play calls won't even need to be lip synced as they host the NO Aints, who are missing their signature team photo celebration.

SNF: The Yinzburgh Steelers look to fumble forward against a disappearing GB Pack squadron that is looking to not get shut out again.

MNF: My beloved Ravens aim to leap to victory and coordinate a win against a Texas Houstons QB who was born to be strip-sacked.

Monday, November 20, 2017

quantum supremacy

A term that was much funnier during the previous administration, Caltech theoretical physicist John Preskill coined "quantum supremacy" to mean the point at which a quantum computer is sufficiently large and error-free that it can perform a task that cannot be calculated by the most powerful supercomputer. It's one of the milestones of the field that tends to get hyped up, and Google has been at the forefront for releasing blueprints to achieve itGoogle maintains they will demonstrate quantum supremacy by the end of this year, although you can watch John Martinis, Head of Quantum Hardware at Google, push that timeline into 2018 here and here

That we're even talking about this in the near term seems pretty exciting, until you read that Google plans to demonstrate quantum supremacy by randomly choosing qubit operations and showing that the scrambled output is more scrambled than could be made classically (technical details here). This quantum speckle problem is analogous to a laser pointer, that is, the resulting interference from something coherent going through something chaotic, as described by the man himself John Martinis here. Still, researchers think (and hope!) that a quantum computer will demonstrate a useful result that a supercomputer cannot in the next few years.

Last month, IBM researchers simulated the quantum speckle problem with a classical computer for both 49 and 56 qubits. Or, to be more specific, their "results confirm the expected Porter-Thomas distribution as the distribution of the outcome probabilities for universal random circuits," which is exactly what Google is planning to do with a 49-qubit quantum computer. But this result means they'll need more than 56 qubits to show quantum supremacy with the speckle problem. Or they'll have to find a quantum problem for their 49-qubit computer that is immune to the "slicing" technique used by the IBM researchers. Either way, I'll put good money on quantum supremacy not being demonstrated this year.

Then, IBM announced a 50-qubit prototype device and said that a 20-qubit device will be available to clients by the end of 2017 (IBM already offers access to a 5-qubit and 16-qubit device to everyone). Qubits in these devices are arranged in a surface code lattice and reported to have an average "coherence time" of 90 microseconds, quite high for superconducting qubits. From the press release, “Clients will have online access to the computing power of the first IBM Q systems by the end of 2017, with a series of planned upgrades during 2018.” As of now, not much else is known about them, but I'm sure we'll find out more soon. For devices that operate at a hundredth of a degree above absolute zero, the race for a functional quantum computer is heating up.

[Editor's note: content was modified after the original posting]

Sunday, November 19, 2017

i <heart> nfl: wilbur ross

This week's brief and unpunctual NFL outlook is brought to you by a number of pre-Prohibition cocktails consumed the previous night. Onward!

TNF: The Steelers plan to celebrate their statuesque win over the Tennessee Smurfs with some Bud Light.

Sun 1pm: Down to their last RB, who is probably actually a WR, the GB Pack and QB Jim from The Office will try not to quit as host my beloved Ravens and their complete inability to recover an onside kickJax Jags QB Blake Bortles advises DeShone Kizer of the Browns to “Try to throw it to your team as much as possible.”

4pm-ish: Only streakers are finding the end zone for the Bills, as they visit an LA Chargers side that can't even run out the clock without fumbling.

SNF: Dallas Cowboys owner The Double J looks to attract new fans to the game by drunkenly making racially insensitive jokes to distract from the absence of their star running back, who was suspended, un-suspended, suspended, un-suspended, suspended, un-suspended, and suspended again and now accepts suspension as they host the Philadelphia Eagles.

MNF: My Dirty Birds, with a D-Line featuring Dak Prescott's daddy, visit an unexamined Seattle Seahawks squadron reeling from injuries with a loss of both CB Richard Sherman and Safety Kam Chancellor.

Sunday, November 12, 2017

i <heart> nfl: sonny perdue

No time to discuss which NFL owners appeared in the Paradise Papers this week because we're running late. Onto the games!

TNF: In a game that should be illegal, the Seattle Seahawks dispatched division rival Zony Cards yet lost CB Richard Sherman for the season to a ruptured Achilles.

Sun 1pm: Just like the fans that need to get drunk or high to watch the Browns, the players apparently do as well, as they unstrategically fuck up on the field and off and look to be rocked and socked by the D'town Lions. While he may want to eat that W with all the voracity of crab legs stolen from the local Publix, Tampa Bay QB Jameis Winston will be joining suspended WR Mike Evans on the bench while his throwing shoulder heals as they face a NY J-E-T-S squadron that will dance to anything. The Colts very public ruining of franchise QB Andrew Luck is apparently just inside his head as they face a conditioned Yinzburgh Steelers offense that has a license to drive.

4pm-ish: There's no time to contemplate dropping it like it's hot against a division rival last week, as my frustrated Dirty Birds look to rebound against a Cowboys without their star suspended, unsuspended, suspended, unsuspended, suspended, unsuspended, but now suspended again RB and with an owner who is totally fucking around with the NFL Commissioner. There are literally no words for how bad the NYF Giants have been under the soon-to-be-ending stewardship of HC Ben McAdoo, as they seek to rid themselves of Manningface and are underdogs against a winless Niners team.

SNF: The NE Pats bring #fakenews of conflict between HC Bill Belichick and Tom Brady's personal snake oil salesmen Alex Guerrero to Denver to face a still-bad Brock Osweiler and his Broncos.

MNF: Panthers QB Cam Newton aims to steer right into that iceberg as they face the notoriously inconsistent MIA Fins in primetime.

Sunday, November 5, 2017

i <heart> nfl: ryan zinke

Welcome to another week of NFL in our stupid world! Indicative of the Great Unravelling, Papa Johns (the official pizza of the alt-right) owner John Schnatter made headlines earlier this week for blaming slumping pizza sales on the NFL anthem protests. Or was it really a Jerry Jones ploy to deflect from his abandoned rap career!? We may never know. What we do know, however, is so mind-numblingly dumb that Papa Johns released a statement yesterday discouraging racists from buying their pizza. This is 2017 America, friends! In other news, former Niners QB and instigator of current protests C-Kaep has filed a collusion case against the NFL and, *oh snap*, the phones and email of NFL Commissioner and some team owners are to be turned over. Along those same lines, after Texas Houstons owner Bob McNair stated last week in reference to the anthem protests, “We can't have the inmates running the prison,” nearly the entire side kneeled. I'm tired of thinking about this... onto the games!

TNF: You hate Thursday Night Football like everyone else, in which the N-Y-J-E-S-T danced themselves to victory against a Bills franchise that is maybe not good, but at least getting better with the acquisition of WR Kelvin Benjamin.

Sun 1pm (PJ Leahy's, LIC, NYC): After spectating a Dirty Birds 10-second runoff victory #irl (in which the spike was intercepted), the Falcons visit their favorite fan in Panthers QB Cam Newton. The TB Bucs bring the same old Jameis Winston to the Hotel Katrina. The Eagles, enhanced by picking up RB Jay Ajayi from MIA, look to charge the mound against a Denver Broncos squadron that continues to pursue the failed Brock Osweiler experiment because it's not as bad as Trevor Siemian. The equal parts sad and confused Colts have shut down QB Andrew Luck and will fire up the Brisket, as they host divisional rival Texas Houstons who will also be without their really impressive starting QB for the remainder of the season, but look to wreck everything just the same.

4pm-ish: The Seattle Seahawks and QB Pete Carroll plan to fumble forward as they host the other team from Washington. The Dallas Cowboys and owner The Double J aim to not overreact in a tough home game against the KC Reidskins, but can at least can rely on the services of suspended, unsuspended, suspended, unsuspended, and suspended, but now unsuspended again star RB Zeke Elliot.

SNF: The Oakland Las Vegas Raiders visit the nonsensical MIA Fins and emergency kicker Ndamukong Suh.

MNF: With all of the sexual assault accusations currently flying around, will the GB Pack continue to get so friendly with their players as they host division rival D'town Lions.

Sunday, October 29, 2017

i <heart> nfl: jeff sessions

I'm taking in an NFL game #irl, so let's get to it!

TNF: My beloved Ravens stomped a nonsensical MIA Fins side 40-0, and Ravens QB Joe Flacco was severely concussed after an elite, er late, slide.

SMF: As much as they hate it, the Browns travel to London without center Joe Thomas as they 'host' the Minnie Vikes.

Sun 1pm (former Snoopy Stadium, East Rutherford, NJ!): The Santa Clara Niners question the futility of victoryMy Dirty Birds are becoming the Angry Birds, as the offense is struggling to take off under OC Steve Sarkisian, and yours truly will be there to lift the fog on this offense in a torrential downpour that will certainly delay the J-E-T-S. The most consistent plays from the Panthers as of late consist of Cam Newton rage-quitting on press conferences as they look to kick it against the Bucs. The Cincy Bagels look to kick it against a Colts squadron that is sorry their team sucks.

4pm-ish: The Seahawks will have plenty of time for day-time EDM dance parties once they're kicked out of the league for DUR DURKA DURRRRRR disrespectin' the flag as the Houston Inmates look to run the Prison of CenturyLink Field. We'll see if the FaceTime put in by Washington [Redacted] QB Kirk Cousins counts against division rival Cowboys kicking it from safety.

No time for the night games, as it's time for your truly to tailgate in the rain!

Sunday, October 22, 2017

i <heart> nfl: james mattis

NFL Players won this week, as the league backed down from requiring players to stand for the National Anthem. People on both sides of the debate can at least appreciate that this kerfuffle is fucking up NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell's contract extension. Also, coming off another week of brutal injuries, those with the 2017 all-injury fantasy team is stacked.

TNF: In another improbably entertaining game, the Oakland Raiders defeated the KC Reidskins in an ordeal in which everyone fucked up, including the ejection and one-game suspension of Beast Mode for contact with an official.

Sun 1pm: After ridding themselves of DC Miami Vice Gandalf, the NO Aints finally found a defense that looks ready to exploit the newly Rodgers-less (and still C-Kaep-less) GB Pack offense. The re-started DeShone Kizer will give the Titans a tour of the Factory of Sadness. Ron Burgundy continues announcing fucking awesome FG misses for the Jax Jags as they travel to the still Luck-less Colts hoping the Brisket is readyDa Bears' Pretty Boy Assassin will have his work cut out against Panthers QB Cam Newton if he can find himFresh off getting screwed out of a win, the J-E-S-T respect the American flag by sitting on it before visiting the MIA Fins. Now that the Fitzmagic Curse has stricken the TB Bucs, will the Bills continue their strong performance, or are they just taking us for a ride?

4pm-ish: After having a worse week than Harvey Weinstein, the NYFG fixed their offensive woes with HC Ben McAdoo and his hairstyle surrendering play-calling duty, and now host the Seattle Seahawks. Since the Buddhist fans of the Dallas Cowboys self-immolated themselves, fans of other religions will have to step up to root against the Silicon Valley Niners, who's win total is expressed the same in both binary and decimal. Finally having won a game with a fieldgoal, the LA Superchargers' purgatory continues as they host the Broncos in another excruciating road game.

SNF: My Dirty Birds look to elevate their offense, both figuratively and literally, by putting OC Steve Sarkisian in the press box, in this rematch of Super Bowl LI and Worst Day of My Life(tm) against the NE Pats and smug, cheating bitch Tom Brady.

MNF: The Philadelphia Eagles look to improve on their standing in both the NFC East and Goodwill as they host division rival Washington [Redacted].