Yours truly just returned from Asia, so apologies for no NFL update last week. Let's get things back up to speed with congratulations to the NE Pats, Yinzburgh Stillers, Jax Jags (!?), Philly Eagles, and Minnie Vikes for securing spots in the postseason. With only 2 weeks remaining in the regular season, here are the possible scenarios for your team to make it in one of the remaining seven spots. In other news, the Panthers are for sale after team owner Jerry Richardson, the type of person that the Double J insists we need more of, found himself under investigation for workplace misconduct. The XFL is getting revived as a response to national anthem protests. And the internet was p0wned for a couple hours when the Washington franchise decided to change their name to the Redhawks.
Sat 4:30pm: My beloved Ravens are running out of time to make some noise in the postseason, but helped their effort with a win over the betrothed Indy Colts.
SatNF: In a division rivalry game of little consequence, the eliminated Packers host the NFC North Champion Minnie Vikes.
Sun 1pm: In control of their destiny, my Dirty Birds are ready to get fucking set for the playoffs by eating a W against hated division rival NO Aints and their dipshit fans. Fans of the Buffalo Bills are faced with the cold collision of reality that they likely need to win out the season, starting against a NE Pats team manely focused on banning Tom Brady's quack guru from team facilities. It turns out the 0-14 Cleveland Browns don't have real players which is why they're living in Hell as they look to give da Bears a Browns VIP experience.
4pm-ish: Bitch, the Seattle Seahawks got that lawyer money that they'll need to pay the first concussion protocol violation ever levied, as they face a Dallas Cowboys side where both teams require victory and help from their NFC compatriots in order to punch a ticket to the playoffs.
Xmas 4:30pm: The Texas Houstons turn one team's trash into little kids' treasure after the Yinzburgh Stillers left a real mess in the kitchen last week.
XNF: After losing starting QB Carson Wentz to a season-ending ACL tear, the Eagles need to achieve plan/prayer parity with backup Nick Foles back under center, as they look for home field advantage against an Oakland Raiders squadron that was eliminated from playoff contention by the edge of a notecard.