Welcome back to another season of "the best game that's ever been fucking invented"!!! NFL Commissioner The Ginger Hammer made sure all your favorite players are suspended for the first few games of the season, but that's okay. We've had *loads* of #hottakes for you regarding C-Kaep not standing for the national anthem! We're *still* talking about Deflategate/Ballghazi! But first, congratulations to the Denver Broncos for winning Super Bowl XXXXX!
This season, in order to make this blog more interactive, I will use the comments section for irreverent observations during the game. And I encourage you too, as well!
AFC East:
AFC North:
Cincinnati Bagels: After looking to shed their *long* playoff drought, Cincy destructed on themselves with a Jeremy Hill fumble followed by back-to-back personal fouls, putting the hated Yinzburgh Stillers in field goal range FTW [Full disclosure: Burfict Strangers is another fantasy football team managed by yours truly]. This Bungle was the saddest thing to happen in Cincy until they shot Harambe, and the dead gorilla remains yet more popular in southern Ohio than this franchise. Their starting tight end is still injured from the pro bowl and the town racially profiles their own running backs. Given the changes in decision-makers from the most recent failed playoff game (none), we can look forward to yet another repeat.
Cleveland Browns: No longer the saddest sports town in Ohio (that would be Cincy) with the Cavs winning the NBA title, the Cape of Sadness has been retired in thinking some of that curse has been lifted from the Browns. We'll find out if the ghost of RGIII can replace the void left by the hard-partying Johnny Football.
AFC South:
Indy: Today we learn whether or not the Colts ruined the other great QB from the draft class of 2012. Indy QB and Hodor impersonator Andrew Luck returns from injury and we'll see if he still likes those hard hits. This is about the same team as last year with the exception of Antonio Cromartie joining and his number of kids doubling the state population.
AFC West:
Oakland Raiders: These Juggalo fans can enjoy about one season of having a decent QB connecting with WR Amari Cooper before their clown-looking owner Mark Davis and 1st Amendment-hating casino magnate Sheldon Adelson move their team to Las Vegas. The truth is, everyone wants get away from you, Raiders fans.
NFC East:
NY Football Giants: Holy shit! The G-men finally rid themselves of Old Man Coughlin at the helm, yet leaving behind almost everything else. Normal white guy and now the league's only source of Manningface, Eli Manning will delight us with interceptions and the occasional clutch pass to WR O'dell Beckham, Jr.
Philadelphia Eagles: Trading away QB Sam Bradford in the preseason for some serious draft picks means they'll just throw rookie QB Carlos Wentz out there even though they don't think he's that good.
NFC North:
Green Bay Packers: The offensive play-calling is so conservative that it donated to Scott Walker's SuperPAC. The fanbase unironically questions the girth of their star running back. Bro-hero LB John Kuhn signed with the Saints. And we learned in the off-season that Aaron Rodgers doesn't get along with his family.
NFC South:
NO Aints: No other player in the league so personifies the mindset of the people running the NFL than QB Drew Brees, and I'm glad they're terrible this season so I can get two weekends of gloating when my Dirty Birds beat them.
Tampa Bay Bucs: The Bucs drafted a kicker in the 2nd round and he became known for missing fieldgoals. Nothing else.
NFC West:
Santa Clara 49ers: Nothing is known about this team outside new HC Chip Kelly making their 2nd-string QB protest unnecessarily hastily.
Zony Cards: After getting blown out by the Panthers in the NFC title game, hoards of Cards fans displayed appreciation for the strong season by welcoming them back to Phoenix. Just kidding! This fanbase is a bunch of bandwagoners that regularly sell playoff tickets to opposing fans and its stadium is packed with so many that the Cards have to use a silent count at home. Also, HC Bruce Arians blames your mom for ruining football. But hey, at least the defense consists of a honey badger of his word and an offense that features the likes of RB David Johnson and WR Larry Fitzgerald.