Sunday, September 27, 2015

i <heart> nfl: new lots

Well everyone killed themselves last week, by which I refer to suicide pools. Suicide pools, the first of which I am playing in this season, consist of picking a different team each week that has to win, or you're out. Last week's upsets of Tampa Bay, Oakland, and Jax over Nawlins, Bodymore, and Miami, respectively, cleared the entire field, causing my pool to restart. Wondering how often this happens, I'm almost motivated to use math and statistics to figure this out. Nah, gametime is almost here!

I hear you've got cheese in there. GIVE ME THE CHEESE

TNF: For the first time this season, the NYF G-men didn't embarrassingly blow a double-digit lead in the 4th quarter, and instead stood tall against the DC Fightin' Snyders and their inept social media

Sun 1pm: (PJ Leahy's, LIC) Cleveland Browns QB and noted helicopter Josh McCown will start over Johnny Fucking Football against the previously metal Oakland Raiders, although the Raiders have yet to don their Super Bowl 50 bling. Donald Trump is staking his campaign on the Eliteness of Joe Flacco, QB of my delicately winless Bodymore Ravens, meaning there's no way we're talking about them come January, as they host the most talented Cincy Bagels. Lil Jon and my Dirty Birds look to take the Double J even lower, although he already is "just about as low as a crippled cricket's ass" after the breaking of Cowboys QB Tony Romo's clavicle last week. Can Boltman strike twice as the mascot-less Vikings host the past and future LA Superchargers? Chip Kelly and his Philadelphia Iggles will try not to outsmart themselves against a now dominant-looking J-E-T-S squadron. When I heard the Steelers were playing smarter, I thought the on-field average IQ jumped due to a Big Ben injury. Sadly no, they're just continuing to go for two against the past and future LA Rams. Oh and what a treat to have both McCowns on the field, since Drew Brees' injury will compel the Aints to start their backup generators against the Panthers.

4pm-ish: With zero wins between them, Seattle Safety Kam Chancellor returns to save the day as they look to negotiate a win against da Bears. We all know Bay Area residents get drunk on their own farts, rendering second-half booze bans ineffective, as the Niners face off against division rival Zony Cards. The MIA Fins will be freelancing their dysfunction to the benefit of the Buffalo Bills.

SNF: The D'town Lions host rickety old man Peyton Manning and his Broncos, who continue to abandon their head coach's offensive schemes

MNF: Packers QB Aaron Rodgers is looking for divine intervention against the KC Reidskins in a game He doesn't care about.

Sunday, September 20, 2015

i <heart> nfl: wakefield

It's been relatively quiet since we put Week 1 in the books, so let's talk about brain trauma! An ongoing study recently reported that CTE was evident in the brains of 87 of 91 former NFL players. I like those odds! And the upcoming Will Smith vehicle "Concussion" will premiere Christmas Day, just in time for you to feel guilty about watching the playoffs.

Look! I can spin around!

TNF: A surgical extraction of Defeat from the Jaws of Victory was flawlessly performed by the KC Chiefs in the form of two late-half turnovers for touchdowns, brought to you by the worst game management seen in the NFL since, I dunno, the last time the Giants played.

Sunday 1pm: (PJ Leahy's, LIC or maybe somewhere in Williamsburg) Tom Brady wants to Make America Great Again by eating more 'Merican coins than the Bills ever couldThe Texas Houstons refuse to state which shitty QB they'll start and instead will rely on their shitty turf to halt the run-heavy Carolina Panthers. I'll be giving out 3.5's instead of high-fives for every touchdown my Dirty Birds score against the NY Football Giants. The Yinzburgh Steelers can look forward to operating headsets, since they're not playing in NE this week, and instead host the surprisingly dominant Santa Clara Niners. The DC Fighting Snyders will show off their Native American-ness to the StL Rams. Due to the animated GIF above, Johnny Fucking Football will instead start his Browns against the capable rookie QB Marcus Mariota and his Flaming Thumbtacks.

4pm-ish: The future London Jags hope to set some sad records, as they face off against the MIA Fins. The Oakland Raiders look to add defending under the influence to their rap sheet as they host my beloved Bodymore Ravens. Can the Philadelphia Iggles get a papal blessing as they entertain hated division rival Dallas Cowboys?

SNF: Yet another replay of the famous Fail Mary game involving the Seahawks and Packers, but without the scab referees.

MNF: The return of Fireman Ed to J-E-S-T fandom will be more than enough to make the country pine for the glory days of the Buttfumble, as they face the Indy Snitches.

Sunday, September 13, 2015

i <heart> nfl: season outlook

Welcome to another season of your favorite source of metabolic cascades of dysfunction! Yet again the season outlook threads the needle to appear just before opening Sunday, but alas my thoughts were occupied elsewhere.  Without further ado, congratulations to the World Champion(*) New England Pats!

Why Your Team Sucks 2015: Seattle Seahawks

(*) The Pats, you may remember, where accused of deflating footballs in their AFC Championship victory over the Colts, delightfully causing much of America to talk about balls for months on end. NE QB and destroyer of cell phones Tom Brady was suspended for 4 games, which was overturned on appeal due to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell's autocratic and arbitrary justice system. It recently came out that the Ginger Hammer went so hard on the Pats because the other team owners were still mad about the Pats getting away with Spygate

Your coveted season outlook, in alphabetical order by division/proper team name (Las Vegas game wins over/under in parentheses):

AFC East:

New England Pats (10.5): Real football battles happen not on the gridiron, but in the courtroom, which is where Tom Brady's 4-game suspension was overturned. Even though their defense is terrible, the Pats will probably yet again make it to the playoffs because their division (and really the AFC in general) is terrible.

NY J-E-S-T (7.0): The draft having not been in NYC this year, a Chicago news team helpfully impersonated Jets' fans booing of everything. Meanwhile the Jets are off to quite a J-E-S-T-Y start, with starting QB Geno Smith getting his jaw broken in a locker room brawl, resulting in several weeks of missed action. His temporary replacement is everyone's favorite Hahhhhhvahhhhhd grad. Jest Endure The Suffering.

Buffalo Bills (8.5): The Bills are trying to get a foot up on the season by hiring former J-E-S-T coach Rex Ryan, adding a flair of entertainment to their otherwise drunken stupor. Ryan has embraced his new team, inking over the Jets green in his tattoo of his wife wearing a Sanchez jersey to Bills blue.

Miami Dolphins (9.0): The storied franchise of the Miami Dolphins is the only NFL team to go undefeated, in 1972. 

AFC North:

Bodymore Ravens (9.0): Of any team that should know that snitches get stitches, B'more denied tipping Indy off to NE's deflated balls. With the loss of WR Torrey Smith and DT Haloti Ngata, the season outcome remains in the hands of QB Joe Flacco, who is in a delicate quantum superposition of |ELITE> and |NOT ELITE>.

Cincinnati Bagels (8.5): Achieving the landmark of not winning a playoff game in the last 25 years is punctuated that they made it to the playoff the past 4 seasons and lost by a combined score of 103-43.

Cleveland Browns (6.5): Now in a deeper shade of orange, the Browns are host to a Quarterback controversy as neither Johnny Fucking Football or Josh McCown is capable enough to start. They got rid of their star stoner wideout only to bring in another on in the form of Dwayne Bowe asking the cops if Sonic is still open.

Yinzburgh Steelers (8.5): Their coach looks like a bullfrog and their QB looks like Will Farrell playing an idiot rapist. This team employs local cops as fixers and is solely responsible for the eventual ruin of this great game. Also, they applaud the destruction of kids' trophies

AFC South:

Texas Houstons (8.5): The supremacy of the Houstons' defense will, for another season, be overshadowed by a pathetic offense, consisting of two former Tom Brady backups, the lack of Andre Johnson, and an injured atheist.

Indy Snitches (10.5): Your 2014 AFC Finalists, the Colts will likely again win their division with lethal combination of participation, attendance, self-esteem, gumption, and teamwork.

Jacksonville Baguars (5.5): Not even having the distinction of one of the teams possibly moving to LA next season, they will probably end up in London instead. Or perhaps just a virtual cyber football team, not worthy of taking up actual space and precious oxygen. Seriously, their London game will be broadcast for free over the internet and won't even air on live television.

Tennessee Titans (5.5): It's good the Titans picked up rookie QB Marcus Mariota, because their former starter Zach Mettenberger will certainly be annihilated by JJ Watt over their argument over selfies, cause 2015.

AFC West:

Denver Broncos (10.0): After firing the entire coaching staff because ancient QB Peyton Manning can't feel his fingertips, the Broncos had to get rid of everyone else due to the combined salary of Peyton and WR Demaryius Thomas. Having instituted a fart tax, the coaching staff is only encouraging the inevitable implosion that we will be witness to.

KC Chiefs (8.5): After throwing ZERO touchdowns to wideouts last season, the Chiefs added WR Jeremy Maclin to the roster to enhance the non-scoring action. At least all the fans in the stadium will be more concerned with their food poisoning than Head Coach Andy Reid's horrible game management decisions.

Oakland Raiders (5.5): Continuing as a team of retreads, the Raiders unsurprisingly signed RB Trent Richardson in the offseason, in their last season in Oakland before packing up and moving to LA.

San Diego Superchargers (8.0): The other team that's probably moving to LA, this season was thought to be their last chance for glory, with their franchise QB Phillip Rivers refusing to play in the godless metropolis of Los Angeles. However, it seems $65 million in guaranteed money has changed that tune.

NFC East:

Dallas Cowboys (9.5): It's unfortunate that this team looks so good this year, given the strength of their o-line, with underwear bandits and women batterers for players, presidential aspirants as fans, and a serial groper as an owner. 

NY Football Giants (8.0): This team's most notable recent news is DE Jason Pierre Paul blowing off a finger playing with fireworks on Independence Day and WR Odell Beckham Jr getting laid. Credit this to Head Coach Tom Coughlin's old-man penchant for consistency.

Philadelphia Eagles (9.5): Head Coach Chip Kelly implemented a fast-paced offense, not foot any football reason, but just to get the game over with quicker, giving Iggles fans ample time to fight fans of opposing teams, themselves, and any hitchhicking robots that might be coming through. Now that Kelly has control of personnel decisions, he completely blew up the team, wreaking havoc on sporting goods stores trying to keep the correct jerseys in stock. PRO TIP: keep the white player jerseys. Yet his defenders argue he's just a non-racist tyrant.

DC Fightin' Snyders (6.0): Every person on earth has been following the Redtail Pigskins' foray into utter chaos, and who could blame the planet? The coach actively ran the owner-favored QB into the ground in the preseason, hired fake native Americans to defend the team's name, and a team executive's wife accused female reporter of giving BJs to get information.

NFC North:

Da Bears (7.0): Absolutely everything sucked about da Bears last season, and looks to continue in that general vane, with the added bonus of the entire Denver Broncos coaching staff.

D'town Lions (8.5): After stomping it to the divisional round last season, the Lions decided to let their defense go and put everything in the hands of overfed mega-bruh QB Matt Stafford. 

Green Bay Packers (11.0): The best thing about the Packers last season is that their embarrassing NFC title choke of a 12-point lead with two minutes remaining to the Seahawks will forever be overshadowed by the Seahawks' Super Bowl choke to the Pats.

Minnesota Vikings (7.0): Noted child abuser RB Adrian Peterson is back! Let's see how all that goes. Only one more season outdoors, Vikings fans, before you move into your new bird-genocide sand-crawler of a stadium.

NFC South:

ATL Dirty Birds (8.0): My Dirty Birds were fined a draft pick for piping in fake crowd noise, but their biggest problem was blowing 21-point halftime leads. That should keep new Head Coach Dan Quinn, formerly the Seahawks' DC, busily improving the worst defensive team of 2014.

Carolina Panthers (8.5): Look forward to another season of stout defense coupled with run-only plays, as all receiving threats for the Panthers have already been injured.

NO Aints (9.0): The Aints will implode in a burst of colorful dysfunction this season, as they rid themselves of star TE Jimmy Graham, dumped $18 million on a LB they cut, their defense still sucks, and the team is currently a bargaining chip in the Benson family feud. Who DAT!?

Tampa Bay Bucs (6.0): Did the Bucs just spend their first overall pick on a crab-leg stealing, pick-throwing, rapist? Yes, but they also have a Pinteresting plan to attract more female fans in spite of this.

NFC West:

Santa Clara 49ers (7.5): Like their former stadium, this team has already imploded. After blowing up the team, the owners promoted sad defensive line coach to sad head coach, half the defense retired, and they kept the hashtag savant QB around.

Seattle Seahawks (11.0): If inside slant passes are wrong, then I don't wanna be right! After snatching defeat from the jaws of victory in the last Super Bowl, the Seahawks are again a favored team with the addition of TE Jimmy Graham and QB Russell Wilson's scam water

StL Rams (8.0): The Rams upgraded their perennially-getting-injured early in the season QB for a QB that usually gets injured in the middle of the season. The defense should be good though, so the Rams can at least fieldgoal themselves to victory a few times this season.

Zony Cards (8.5): The most bandwagon fans in the NFL. Math says it, so it must be true! Plus they've got RB Chris 'Cop Speed' Johnson now ready to make the dash from Sheriff Joe.