Sunday, February 4, 2018

i <heart> nfl: super bowl lii!!!

What: Super Bowl LII between the Philadelphia Eagles and the Boston Region Patriots is a rematch of Super Bowl XXXIX!!! What's changed? Push.

When: Kickoff is at 6:30pm EST (NBC) inside a dome and not on CBSAl Michaels will be calling the play-by-play, with Cris Collinsworth as the color guy and Michele Tafoya on the sideline. Advantage Patriots.

Who: NE Pats QB and father of an "annoying little pissant" Tom Brady is four years past life expectancy for a Patriot while the Eagles' Nick Foles looks to join the list of backup QBs that have won Super Bowls after starter Carson Wentz tore his ACL in December. Push.

Where: Minneapolis Avicide Center US Bank Stadium, where the Vikings became the 52nd team to not host their own Super Bowl. After receiving that brotherly love in the NFC Championship game, Minnesotans are planning on killing Eagles fans with kindness. Advantage Patriots.

How: While both teams were number one seeds in their respective conferences, each had a blowout win and a victory that came down to the wire. Push.



Offense: Both offenses are ranked near the top, but New England has a RB by community while Philadelphia's hopes depend on which Nick Foles shows up today. Advantage Patriots.

Defense: Both defenses are also ranked near the top, but the Eagles look to sack Tom Brady as much as possible with lots of depth and versatility in their defensive front. Advantage Eagles.

Ownership: Boston-born boys Kraft and Laurie each own a team in the Super Bowl and reside part-time in Palm Springs, FL. Push.

Entertainment: As retribution for the previous wardrobe malfunction, Justin Timberlake plans on revealing one testicle during the Halftime Show. Push.

Celebrities: Bradley Cooper is embodying the Eagles playoff effort, while noted Pats fan Mark Wahlberg doesn't mind if they win. Advantage Eagles.

Love: The City of Brotherly love boasts a team with 5 members having brothers that are also NFL players. Eagles TE Zach Ertz is trying to achieve championship parity with his wife. As a country, most of America hates to see New England in another Super Bowl. Advantage Eagles.

Celebrations: The Eagles have had the most creative touchdown celebrations over the season, while NE just (sometimes) has the Gronk spike. Advantage Eagles.

Bowls: The Eagles are trying to win their first Super Bowl ever, but it's hard to win a Super Bowl if you've never won the Super Bowl. However, the City of Philadelphia perennially hosts the Wing Bowl. Push.

Technology: Our eventual robot overlords are picking the Eagles to win. Advantage Eagles.

Repair: This Philadelphia auto shop fixes cars better than New England fixes games. Advantage Eagles.

Authoritarianism: This Collingswood, NJ mayor is threatening to shut off the water of his Patriot fan neighbors, however the Unforced Error that is our president has strong ties to the Pats owner, coach, and QB. Advantage Patriots.

Security: While the Pats are upgrading security to keep Tom Brady's jersey safe, police in Philadelphia are coating the lamp poles with gear oil after finding Crisco an ineffective deterrentAdvantage Eagles.

Knowledge: While both better than these Jeopardy! contestants, Tom Brady doesn't fare very well at trivia, yet Eagles WR Alshon Jeffrey guarantees his team will win. Advantage Eagles.

Animals: Tom Brady has been bitten by dogs twice while the Philadelphia Eagles are taking their underdog status to heart. Advantage Eagles.

Enjoy the games, everyone!