Sunday, February 3, 2019

i <heart> nfl: super bowl liii!!!

What: Super Bowl LIII between the Los Angeles Rams and the Patriots is a rematch of Super Bowl XXXVI, which was the first championship won by NE. Advantage Patriots.

When: Kickoff is at 6:30pm EST (CBS) where Jim Nantz will call his fifth Super Bowl accompanied former Cowboys quarterback and commentating sage Tony Romo, who knows the score will be 28-24 with the loser having the last possession, but won't say who. Push.

Who: Known cheater Tom Brady and his New England Patriots versus the formerly 7-9 St. Louis Rams. Now coached by noted millennial Sean McVay, the Rams are one of the most entertaining teams to watch. Advantage Rams.

Where: ATL Georgia, what do we do for ya? inside of Megatron's butthole, which yours truly still has yet to visit. No ice storm this go around, and Atlantans are definitely cheering against New England. Advantage Rams.

How: Both teams were number two seeds in their respective conferences, finishing off the number one seeds in astonishingly close matchups. 


Advantage Rams.

Offense: New England and Los Angeles posses the top two offenses this season. Push.

Defense: While both good, Los Angeles has a terrifying trio that should be able to provide the interior pressure the Patriots are vulnerable to. Advantage Rams.

Ownership: Friend of our Unforced National Error Bob Kraft owns the Patriots while Rams owner and shitbird Stan Kroenke uprooted the Rams from their previous St. Louis home. Push.

Entertainment: Maroon 5, a vanilla band that's willing to perform the Super Bowl halftime while most artists are boycotting due to the league's blackballing of Colin Kaepernick for kneeling during the national anthem, are from LA. Advantage Rams.

Fans: Patriots fans know they're the worst, and the Rams don't have any, but since they're playing the Patriots, everyone outside of New England will be rooting for them. Advantage Rams.

Honesty: The Rams admit they caught a break in the NFC Championship game while a 10-year old's science fair project proved that Tom Brady lied about deflating footballs. Advantage Rams.

Narrative: There is nothing to talk about here. Advantage Patriots.

Mascots: In a fight, a real Ram should be able to take down a real Patriot. The Patriots mascot also was recently crashed into by a JetAdvantage Rams.

Age: Quarterbacks Jared Goff is 24 years old and Tom Brady is 41, and head coaches Bill Belichick is 66 years old and noted millennial Sean McVay is 33, in this matchup of experience versus innovation. Push.

Jerseys: Rams are wearing throwback in the Super Bowl, and Pats are wearing white, the first time they lost in white was last Super Bowl. Advantage Rams.

Magic: Harry Potter wants Tom Brady to lose. Advantage Rams.

Animals: The Patriots are pretending to be the underdogs, which they stole from the Eagles, because they suck and the line against the Rams started at 1 point against them (now 2.5 in their favor). Advantage Rams.

Enjoy the games, everyone!

Sunday, January 20, 2019

i <heart> nfl: championship weekend!

Here we are, just as Rams CB Aqib Talib predicted, and both games are rematches from earlier in the season, and are also forecast to be close games!

Sun 3:05pm (FOX) Noted Millennial HC Sean McVay checks into the Hotel Katrina and aims to lead his LA Rams against the storied accomplishments by old Saints QB Drew Brees. Look for Rams CB Marcus Peters and Saints HC Sean Payton sharing a bowl of gumbo and various Saints players riding Choppa Style, which apparently is like riding a fake bicycle.

6:40pm (CBS): Unfortunately it looks like a polar vortex will miss Kansas City for the AFC Championship game, which is probably good for the Reidskins since Tom Brady is 'a fucking machine' in cold weather, although he does possess fewer playoff road wins than Mark Sanchez, the event of which can be squarely blamed on great TE and poor Safety Rob Gronkowski. The NE Pats, who no one believes in and no one wants to see in the Superbowl, feature a squadron led by creepy Lego Tom Brady whose coat keeps getting bigger against the classical clock mismanagement of KCHC Andy Reid. Reidskins fans will counter by drinking twice as much as they did last week.

Saturday, January 12, 2019

i <heart> nfl: divisional weekend!

Welcome to Divisional Weekend of the Playoffs! Last week brought us a slate of mostly-exciting games, and this weekend promises a snow game! Additional enjoyment will be gained by watching the Bears mascot in the gif below.

Sat 4:35pm (NBC): General Andrew Luck has indicated that we'd lack run from the Battlefield of the Trans-Mississippi Theater as his sleeper cell Colts face off against the spontaneous greatness of KC Reidskins QB and Hot Camera Skimp Patrick Mahomes and a weak KC defense. Watch for SNOOOOOOOW and classic Andy Reid clock mismanagement8:15pm (FOX): Cowboys QB Dak Prescott will have to throw pocket darts and lean on their stout defense if they want to have any shot against an LA Rams squadron led by QB and comedian Jared Goff.

Sun 1:05pm (CBS): Mr. Bad Toy NE Pats QB Tom Brady is showing his age and since his brain's wired for contact, let's hope the LA Chargers linebacker-less defense gives it to him. Silver-hip Rip Chargers QB Philip Rivers looks to exorcise the demons of history with a win over their hated rival4:40pm (FOX): Saved by the Double-doink heard around the world, Eagles fans are Venmo'ing money to randos thinking they are Bears kicker Cody Parkey. But now they check into the Hotel Katrina against a NO Saints side motivated by glass boxes full of money.

Saturday, January 5, 2019

i <heart> nfl: wildcard weekend!

Welcome to the first week of the NFL playoffs! Congratulations if your team made it, otherwise this chart will show you when exactly your team lost it. Onto the games!

Sat 4:35pm (ABC): Unsurprising when you think about it, but this Indy/Houstons game will be the first playoff game between two AFC South teams in history. With the final season of Game of Thrones airing this year, Colts QB Hodor will again be under center in the playoffs facing Houston QB Deshaun Watson, appearing for the first time in the postseason. 8:15pm (FOX): The Seahawks travel to JerryLand to face the Cowboys in this Week 3 rematch.

Sun 1:05pm (CBS): Our Baltimore Ravens face off against an unloved LA Chargers squadron in this Week 16 rematch. Look for the Ravens top-ranked defense to produce all kinds of faces from Chargers QB Philip Rivers. 4:40pm (NBC): Defending Champions Philadelphia Eagles are again playoff underdogs with QB Nick Foles under center against da Bears fearsome defense.

Sunday, December 30, 2018

i <heart> nfl: week 17

Welcome to the final week of the regular season! So far, congratulations to the Pats, Houstons, Chiefs, Chargers, Cowboys, Saints, Rams, and Seahawks on making the playoffs! The final seedings and teams will make it today. I'm currently on vacation in Puerto Rico, so all times are Atlantic Stantard Time.

2pm (AST): None of these games are worth watching save for the future impending First Amendment Supreme Court case regarding whether NYF Giants fans can inform their team that they 'fucking suck'.

5:25pm on the dot: Minnie Vikes are in with win over Bears, but instead the Eagles are in with Minnie loss and win over Skins. The Ravens are in on win against Browns. KC Reidskins get 1st in AFC with win over hapless Raiders. The Steelers are in with a win against Cincy Bagels, which will be tough with their receiving threats on the injured reserve, but also need a Browns victory, which is asking a lot.

SNF: Indy or Titans in on win, but if there's a tie, neither of them get in and the Steelers advance which would be such an AFC South thing to happen.

Sunday, December 9, 2018

i <heart> nfl: week 14

Welcome to December, where we can start speculating about which teams we'll see in the postseason (hint: not my Dirty Birds!). How is your team faring!?

TNF: In a staple of Thursday night football, the Tennessee Derrick Henrys embarrassed an  Jax Jags squadron the is not in The Good Place even after benching QB Blake Bortles.

Sun 1pm: My Dirty Birds are barely hanging onto their playoff hopes (nopes?) as they host a GB Pack  who has finally fired their head coach for ruining the team and former legend Brett Favre was tricked into recording an anti-Semitic video about not letting the small get you down. The QB situation of the Washington [Redacted] has gone from bad to Buttfumble Recovery to worse as they do other bad stuff, too, like signing players with domestic abuse arrests, selling a plush doll of their murdered star player, and having shitty fans in general, as they host a NYF Giants side where the star WR is fed up with the offense. Having shed the losingest coach in history, the Cleveland Browns then proceeded to trash him on the field of his new team, and are now on to host the Carolina Panthers in order to trash their playoff hopes.

4pm-ish: You'll be surprised that the 34-game parley needed to carry Jon Gruden's Raiders to the payoffs failed, while QB Derek Carr has followed his brother into Stat Hell, and they now host the Yinzburgh Steelers with QB Ben Roethlisberger crapping on his teammates for his poor performance.

SNF: In what should be a quite watchable matchup, da Bears are unlocking the real 2nd year QB Mitchy Trubes just as LA Rams QB Jared Goff is unleashing Halle Berry.

MNF: Will the Seattle Seahawks continue to dish out cheap shots against the Minnesota Vikings while these teams currently sit in the NFC Wildcard picture?

Sunday, November 25, 2018

i <heart> nfl: week 12

Since my team is doing so poorly, I need to feel better by looking at teams way worse than mine. So in that interest, here's a two-fer for the NY JETS.

Thanksgiving: One of the more successful NFC North franchises defeated the Detroit Lions while they were yelling at you to sit up straight at the Thanksgiving dinner table. Stuck with a Colt McCoy under center the Washington [Redacted] fell to the Dallas Cowboys. I am not thankful about my Dirty Birds performance against the NO Saints, while Falcons WR Mohamed Sanu is thankful for the life of Stan Lee.

Sun 1pm: The NYF Giants know it's only crazy until you do it against last week's Ass Team of the Week in the Philly Eagles. After achieving pick-six/touchdown parity, the Nathan Peterman era in Buffalo is officially over, as the Bills continue to be inspired by Tecmo Bowl play calls and dildos on the field, as they host a Jax Jags squadron whose defense is let down by the lack of offense. The Ravens find a spitting image of Louisville's playbook to make QB Lamar Jackson the playmaker that Joe Flacco has not been for some time, as they host an Oakland Raiders franchise whose QB/HC combo wears the score on their faces.

4pm-ish: Will the Yinzburgh Steelers find it challenging to contain the Denver Broncos pass rush from spooking QB Ben Roethlisberger? 

SNF: It is GB Packers QB Aaron Rodgers' first game back in the Minnesota Avicide Center since his collarbone was broken there last season, as these two teams continue to foolishly chase bears. 

MNF: The Texas Houstons mourn the loss of their somewhat controversial owner as they host the Tennessee Titans.