Saturday, January 13, 2018

i <heart> nfl: divisional weekend!

Welcome to the second week of playoff football! All the teams are playing this weekend, and most games are predicted to be close. While the definition of what constitutes a catch was last season's officiating controversy, this season it's the definition of forward progress, and it's already had quite an effect on Wildcard Weekend. In non-playoff-related NFL news, the Cleveland Browns' 0-16 perfect season parade went on as planned.

Sat 4:35pm NBC (My couch, Center City, Philly): It's too bad the Philadelphia Eagles won't soar with backup QB Nick Foles under center, and as the first No. 1 seed to open the postseason as an underdog, they face my Dirty Birds squadron that have found their defense at just the right time and whose o-line is literally carrying the offense. 8:15pm CBS: After catching his own touchdown pass led to a comeback win over the KC Reidskins (surprise!), QB Marcus Mariota and his Tennessee Titans look to make NE Pats QB Tom Brady look like Blake Bortles as their defense plans to be everywhere. Pats TE the Gronk, who knows not to eat Tide Pods (cause that's a thing for some reason) and has 69 receptions for the season, will be active for the game, whereas the superficially spiritual Tom Brady will put anything in his body his quack trainer tells him to.

Sun 1:05 CBS: After losing the battle of offensive incompetence, Jax Jags QB Blake Bortles, who already looks very much like Blake Bortles, travels to a Yinzburgh Tequila Cowboys Steelers team featuring star WR Antonio Brown as a game-time decision against a stout Jags defense. Not being able to predict the future, I can tell you that the Jags will never win the Super Bowl4:40pm FOX: The Minnie Vikes are hoping to be the first team to play the Super Bowl at home, as they host football team and Panthers new owner the NO Saints.

Saturday, January 6, 2018

i <heart> nfl: wildcard weekend!

Welcome to the first week of playoff football! Before we get to the games, let's tally up all the coach firings this season! Ben McAdoo (Giants) was the first to get shitcanned, followed by Chuck Pagano (Colts), John Fox (Bears), Jim Caldwell (Lions), and Jack del Rio (Raiders). On to the games!

Sat 4:35pm ESPN (PJ Leahy's, LIC, NYC): After battling inconsistencies, find out if the Tennessee Titans will get after it or are a bunch of Mularkey against the classic Santa clock management and offensive powerhouse QB Alex Smith of the KC Reidskins. 8:15pm NBC: My Dirty Birds look to disrespect the LA Rams, who have gone from '7-9 bullshit' to the playoffs for the first time in over a decade by creating the NFL's scariest offense, on their way back to choking in the Super Bowl. As the City of Angels still hasn't taken to the Rams, I hope for SoCal-based Falcons fans to create a road-game-like environment for them.

Sun 1:05pm CBS (still deciding): The Bills were propelled to the playoffs by the Cincy Bengals clutch win over my beloved Ravens last week, and Bills fans have returned the favor by donating $17 contributions to Andy Dalton's charity and feeding the Bengals chicken wings, however this is cold comfort for Bengals fans given that the Cincy win sealed another contract extension for HC Marvin Lewis. Now, the Jax Jags, along with untrusty QB Blake Bortles, look to piss off a Bills squadron that had just this season benched their playoff QB4:40pm FOX: New Orleans Saints HC Sean Payton hopes to bring a strong Three Stooges game to Carolina Panthers HC Riverboat Ron's strong T-shirt look.

Sunday, December 31, 2017

i <heart> nfl: betsy devos

Last week saw the addition of the KC Chiefs, LA Rams, NO Aints, and Carolina Panthers to the postseason roster. The final 2 spots in the AFC will go to two of the Ravens, Titans, Bills (!?), or Chargers, with the final NFC slot going to either the Falcons or Seahawks. As is done with soccer (metric football) matches, the NFL has flexed all the playoff-deciding games to 4:25pm this afternoon to ensure the outcome of one game doesn't affect the play of another. 

Sun 1pm: There's no reason to watch any of these games. Instead, spend time reflecting on 2017 and contemplating what 2018 will bring.

4:25pm on the dot: After playing like butt last week, my Dirty Birds seal their spot in the playoffs with a win as the Carolina Panthers rally around sexual harasser, dictionary definition of 'scowl', and soon-to-be-former owner Jerry Richardson. The Seahawks, otherwise, could sneak into the postseason by defeating whatever is going on between the Zony Cards and HC Bruce Arians. Whether the Jax Jags start QB Blake Bortles or his clone will dictate the difficulty of the Titans in winning their matchup, which would guarantee them a playoff spot. My beloved Ravens hope to have enough fans at M&T Bank Stadium before NYE Stoop Party Time (which starts early in Baltimore), as a win against the Hapless Cincy Bagels and their lame duck coach also guarantees a playoff ticket. The Buffalo Bills might want to keep just 11 men on the field, since they need both a win and some help, as do the LA Chargers, who finally became the team they were meant to be just when it was too late.

Saturday, December 23, 2017

i <heart> nfl: rick perry

Yours truly just returned from Asia, so apologies for no NFL update last week. Let's get things back up to speed with congratulations to the NE Pats, Yinzburgh Stillers, Jax Jags (!?), Philly Eagles, and Minnie Vikes for securing spots in the postseason. With only 2 weeks remaining in the regular season, here are the possible scenarios for your team to make it in one of the remaining seven spots. In other news, the Panthers are for sale after team owner Jerry Richardson, the type of person that the Double J insists we need more of, found himself under investigation for workplace misconduct. The XFL is getting revived as a response to national anthem protests. And the internet was p0wned for a couple hours when the Washington franchise decided to change their name to the Redhawks.

Sat 4:30pm: My beloved Ravens are running out of time to make some noise in the postseason, but helped their effort with a win over the betrothed Indy Colts. 

SatNF: In a division rivalry game of little consequence, the eliminated Packers host the NFC North Champion Minnie Vikes.

Sun 1pm: In control of their destiny, my Dirty Birds are ready to get fucking set for the playoffs by eating a W against hated division rival NO Aints and their dipshit fans. Fans of the Buffalo Bills are faced with the cold collision of reality that they likely need to win out the season, starting against a NE Pats team manely focused on banning Tom Brady's quack guru from team facilities. It turns out the 0-14 Cleveland Browns don't have real players which is why they're living in Hell as they look to give da Bears a Browns VIP experience.

4pm-ish: Bitch, the Seattle Seahawks got that lawyer money that they'll need to pay the first concussion protocol violation ever levied, as they face a Dallas Cowboys side where both teams require victory and help from their NFC compatriots in order to punch a ticket to the playoffs.

Xmas 4:30pm: The Texas Houstons turn one team's trash into little kids' treasure after the Yinzburgh Stillers left a real mess in the kitchen last week. 

XNF: After losing starting QB Carson Wentz to a season-ending ACL tear, the Eagles need to achieve plan/prayer parity with backup Nick Foles back under center, as they look for home field advantage against an Oakland Raiders squadron that was eliminated from playoff contention by the edge of a notecard.

Sunday, December 10, 2017

i <heart> nfl: ben carson

The big news this week is that NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell will remain obscenely wealthy after his $200 million five-year contract extension. Also, there's been some coach/GM firings, as you'll read below.

TNF: The NO Aints don't remember choking against my Dirty Birds in an exciting matchup featuring lots of interceptions, half-ending illegal formation penalties, WRs making open-field tackles, and a coach getting flagged for unsportsmanlike conduct. 

Sun 1pm: Good news for fans of Manningface! The NYFG have mercifully fired both head coach and general manager and QB Eli Manning is back as the starter against the underperforming Dallas Cowboys. The (Cleveland) Browns fired (GM Sashi) Brown on their way to the 0-16 parade, but at least WR Josh Gordon is back to lighting things up on the field, as they host a GB Packers team biding time until the return of Aaron Rodgers.

4pm-ish: As a fan of parlays, it's good to know that the 3-9 Denver Broncos can still make the playoffs if these 27 results go just right, the first of which is a win against the N-Y-J-E-T-S. After QB Russell Wilson prepared himself with Google and their WRs prepared themselves for shittalk with Richard Sherman, can the Seattle Seahawks perform another Galilean transformation for the win against a suddenly dangerous Jax Jags defense and their bologna-sandwich-enjoying head coach? The LA Rams have put out a literal casting call for "fans" to "cheer" for their "favorite team" against a Philly Eagles squadron that can likely boast more of their own new worst fans in attendance.

SNF: Fresh off a heated division rivalry that witnessed players lost to injury and suspension alike, the Yinzburg Steelers face another heated division rivalry in my beloved yet not-quite-elite Ravens looking to eat another W

MNF: QB, purveyor of awkward social media, and whiny bitch Tom Brady is going to be with one less target after NE Pats TE Gronk was suspended for a bullshit late hit, as they take on a MIA Fins side that, err...., really loves football.

Sunday, December 3, 2017

i <heart> nfl: eric hargan

With great sadness I report the unfortunate situation that is the end of Manningface for the season. With surprising constancy at the HC position yet not the QB position, the 'classy' NYFG botched Eli's benching and will be the last franchise to start a black quarterback in the form of Geno Smith (fresh from the other NY team). Given the paucity of middling QB performance in the NFL, Manning will likely be traded in time to make silly faces for us next season.

TNF: Even after stuffing the defense, the Washington [Redacted] were in no color rush to defeat division rival Dallas Cowboys, whose QB Dak Prescott is starting to connect with star WR Dez Bryant.

Sun 1pm: Starting to resemble their 2016 NFC Championship form, my Dirty Birds look to party like it's 1998 as they bring the Minnesota Vikings to their new nestThe Jimmy Garoppolo era begins for the Santa Clara 49ers against da Bears, who aside from trying not to disappoint their mothers, don't know exactly what they're doing. No need for high fives with my beloved Ravens embodying the life lesson of "you don’t have to be good all the time, only when people are watching," as their elite punter keeps them in the playoff picture because the AFC is dogshit this season and face a D'town Lions team that can't even implode their old stadium. The Broncos and Dolphins face each other live from QB purgatory.

4pm-ish: Zony Cards backup QB Blaine Gabbert gets a bad rap 'because he was on really shitty teams,' but now he's dialing up W's yet will have a hard time against an LA Rams team that doesn't have time for your fancy celebrations, featuring a re-made QB Jared Goff primed for a playoff push. Which hat will Carolina Panthers QB Cam Newton wear against a potentially over-conservative NO Aints squadron in this decisive NFC South matchup?

SNF: Philadelphia Eagles QB Prince Harry needs to take care of that premature explosion problem before his wedding night as he faces the toughest defense of his breakout season in the Seattle Seahawks.

MNF: After miraculously escaping a loss to the GB Pack last week, the Yinzburgh Steelers have to watch out for a Cincy Bagels squad that's out to ruin their Christmas.

Sunday, November 26, 2017

i <heart> nfl: alex acosta

Welcome to Week 12: Thanksgiving Edition of NFL action! By virtue of the holiday, three games have already been played, but since BYE weeks are now over, we still have 13 matchups to complete for the remainder of the weekend. In other news, you are probably aware that the NFL can't stick to sports and it's all the NFL's fault, so the NFL may go back to keeping players stay in the locker room during the anthem. NFL Shadow Commissioner Jerry Jones as threatening to go after actual NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell 'with everything he has,' but instead is pissing off all the other owners with his 'antics' and now they're looking for a way to remove him. Also, Papa John's Pizza has apologized for blaming slumping sales on the national anthem protests. Oh vey! In lighter news, it's very appropriate that the Georgia Dome, former home of the Atlanta Falcons, was demolished the same day they played the Seahawks. However, Seahawks HC and 9-11/truther Pete Carroll must be pissed off he couldn't get a full view because the game was in Seattle. And in other Atlanta-related news, here's Chad Ochocinco busting his ass on a skateboard.

Thanksgiving: The Minnie Vikes are attempting the challenge of becoming the first team to play the Super Bowl at home, as they edged out the division rival D'town Lions. The Double J has threatened his Cowboys to play better or else, but it seems now that fans have discovered the conspiracy against themthe Cowboys can turn things around after losing to the LA Chargers, who are the only team looking to win the AFC WestYule like that the Washington [Redacted] overcame the adversity of playing on their home turf to earn those sweet potato yams and showed the NYFG another way to fail so that these kids will be fired.

Sun 1pm (PJ Leahy's, LIC, NYC): Having barely made it out of Mexico City without any earthquakes or volcanic eruptions, the NE Pats host a Cutler-less MIA Dolphins. The Buffalo Bills still can't decide whether they like throwing 5 interceptions in a half or not, as they take on a KC Reidskins side featuring a landlocked Revis Island and interceptions thrown by QB and TE alikeAfter embarrassing the depleted Seattle secondary, it shouldn't be much of a puzzle for my Dirty Birds to bring those same talents to the TB Bucs defense, with everyone's favorite Harvard grad Ryan Fitzpatrick shaving during No Shave November.

4pm-ish: NO! God damn it, no! This AFC West rival game will appear on both of our TVs, featuring between the Broncos, who are a mess and just fired their OC, and the Raiders, who blow their plays before they even start. LA Rams QB Jared Goff's play calls won't even need to be lip synced as they host the NO Aints, who are missing their signature team photo celebration.

SNF: The Yinzburgh Steelers look to fumble forward against a disappearing GB Pack squadron that is looking to not get shut out again.

MNF: My beloved Ravens aim to leap to victory and coordinate a win against a Texas Houstons QB who was born to be strip-sacked.