Sunday, October 28, 2018

i <heart> nfl: week 8

In NFL news this week, an official was fired midseason for the first time in the Super Bowl era for missing obvious false start calls. And in other news, here are the best ways to relieve oneself during the game.

TNF: "Expect the worst and get the best" as QB Deshaun Watson and the Texas Houstons lit up the MIA Fins.

Sun 9:30am: The rapidly collapsing Jax Jags cross the pond to field the strength of London Bortles or otherwise demonstrate that Colin Kaepernick should be in the league as their unbenched QB faces the hungover Philadelphia Eagles.

1pm: Will we see the same elite mattress-purchasing in Ravens QB Joe Flacco we got last week as the Ravens visit the artificially fired up Carolina Panthers? The Bell-less Steelers host the memefication of the Cleveland Browns. The Broncos travel to the advanced defense of the KC Reidskins after cutting their starting QB for trespassing into a stranger's house.

4pm-ish: Scottish ethics professor St. Andrew Luck and his Colts take on an Oakland Raiders franchise whose coach has lost the locker room and QB has lost the confidence of his teammates for crying after a hit and personnel has lost the second and last of their Pro Bowlers after WR Amari Cooper was traded to Dallas.

SNF: Here's hoping that Minnie Vikes shutdown CB Xavier Rhodes can start against the NO Aints in a rematch of last season's playoff game that gave us the Minnesota Miracle.

MNF: The Buffalo Bills will continue to search for the Derek Anderson renaissance as they continue to get trolled by mascots while hosting the hated New England Patriots.

Sunday, October 21, 2018

i <heart> nfl: week 7

At its fall meeting, the NFL dumped its never-enforced National Anthem policy. It was also reported this week that Los Angeles will be saddled by the Chargers for at least 20 years before they can escape to a city where they can develop a fan base, because citizens of LA clearly do not care for professional football.



TNF: John Elway, the architect of the disaster that is the Denver Broncos, continues to blame everyone but himself for the franchise's woes, got a reprieve by kicking the shit out of the Zony Cards, who are toilet soup.

Sun 9:30am: The Tennessee Titans QB Marcus Mariota aims to achieve sack/pass completion parity this week as they face off against the Chargers in London.

1pm: The Buffalo Bills opt to start their old QB over their shitty QB against the Colts. The Lions face off against Miami, where it's the month of Brocktober, as the backup QB continues to start for a Dolphins squadron that has committed Saudi-esque things to starting QB Ryan Tannehill

4pm-ish: Fun fact: The Baltimore Ravens are the only team that has never suffered a loss at the hands of New Orleans' Drew Brees, having won the last four contests against the Saints.

SNF: Will the KC Reidskins clock "creativity" again pose a threat for what should be a sure win against the Cincy Bagels?

MNF: My Dirty Birds host a NYF Giants franchise that can't hide the fact that Eli Manning is on the team and a dehydrated WR in Odell Beckham, Jr. who doesn't like drinking water so much he has to leave the field early to get an IV.








Sunday, October 14, 2018

i <heart> nfl: 2018 season outlook

Welcome back to another season of the NFL! Well, we're actually well into Week 6 of the season, and I guess that's because I had shit to do. Now that things are settling down, I aim to resume my weekly updates with characteristic regularity.

Nextly, congratulations to the Philadelphia Eagles, who should have been my Dirty Birds the year before!!!


Onto the teams! Vegas win over/under totals in parentheses. 

AFC East:

New England Pats (11.0): Fresh off a Super Bowl loss, I wonder how the Pats would have done if HC Bill Belichick had not benched star CB Malcolm Butler. Watch the drama unfold as hometown bargain (as 44th highest paid NFL player) and QB (and definitely not WR) Tom Brady pissily rage quits press conferences when he gets questions about his shady holistic lifestyle and personal training company. Also that the owner had a love child and their completely non-racist fans burnt Patriots jerseys when some players kneeled for the national anthem, and I look forward to what this season will bring.

NY J-E-S-T (6.0): Going into last season in rebuilding mode, the J-E-S-T managed a 5-11 record because they can't even tank properly. They retained the services of their shitty coach and GM because the owner was to busy raising his sons to be shitty. The J-E-S-T traded up to pick large-headed QB Sanchize 2.0, another USC product with a fumbling problem can look forward to mentorship by ancient journeyman Josh McCown. At least they can be proud they're not the Giants.

Buffalo Bills (6.0): After making the playoffs for the first time this century due to a flash of competence from the Bengals (!?), the Buffalo Bills traded away the mispronounced QB Tyrod Taylor and replaced him with human piƱata Nathan Peterman. The fans of this team, which is responsible for domestic terrorism and naked felony vandalismenact metaphors for this team's end result every season.

MIA Fins (6.5): After the Jay Cutler experiment last season, starting QB and project-you-forgot Ryan Tannehill returns to the helm of this mediocre offense. All of the linesman are concussed or insane.

AFC North:

Bodymore Ravens (8.0): Fresh off failing to make the playoffs due to a touchdown pass from the Red Rocket, the Ravens will continue to employ the quantum superposition of eliteness himself, QB Joe Flacco, whose wavefunction long ago collapsed to the 'not' state, under center. Meanwhile, stud rookie Lamar Jackson will languish on the bench until the owner forces HC Jon Harbaugh to start him.

Cincinnati Bagels (6.5): Buffalo MVP Andy Dalton still coached by Cincy HC Marvin Lewis. Vontaze Burfict is suspended for the first four games, so other defensive members will have to step up on the dirty hits.

Cleveland Browns (5.5): As the second NFL franchise to achieve a winless 0-16 season, the hapless Cleveland Browns can't even win at losing. The brightest outlook for the Browns this season is it can't get any worse than the last one. They've now gone from trusting the process to burning draft picks. Coached by Hue Jackson, who hasn't lost his magic of winning one game over the past two seasons, look forward to new OC Todd Haley getting into bar fights and crotch-grabbing Oklahoma product Baker Mayfield under center

Yinzburgh Steelers (10.5): The most successful failures in the NFL were trounced by the Jax Jags at home twice last season much to delight by everyone who's not a Yinzer. Gray-dicked QB Ben Roethlisberger is at the helm for another season because he feels the pressure from drafted rookie QB Mason Rudolph. Their star RB will hold out for the entire season so these fucks don't run him into the ground.

AFC South:

Jax Jaguars (9.0): Your southern franchise of the Buffalo Bills. Last season the Jags made it to the AFC Championship game (!?) on the strength of their defense, o-line, and running game, only to fuck themselves out of a lead against the hated NE Pats (causing this "halftime adjustment"). Much like his own wallet, QB Blake Bortles puts the football in ill-advised places. Jacksonville is the only city in which I've seen a Nazi #irl.

Tennessee Titans (8.0): The Titans, who won a playoff game for the first time in, like, forever, immediately went on to fire their HC after their inevitable loss to the Pats. New HC and and total meathead Mike Vrabel takes the helm as the Titans look to trample the weak and hurdle the dead, surely sage advice for our imminent post-apocalyptic world. 

Texas Houstons (8.5): Your favorite prison run by inmates, the Houstons should get a few weeks out of the second coming of RGIII in QB Deshaun Watson, because the Houstons aren't allowed to have nice things.

Indy (6.5): Things are looking up for Indy, since the physical problems with QB Andrew Luck are actually mental, and he is now actively surviving the act of throwing footballs, so much so, that he's sure he can throw one over a mountain. Prolly cause all the players suck, this team got stood up at the altar when Pats OC Josh McDaniels retracted his deal to become the head coach, so look forward to them driving that truck into the ol' tar pit this season.

AFC West:

Denver Broncos (7.0): If you're looking for a team that is defeated in the draft as well as on the field, then the Denver Broncos are for you! While CB Aqib Talib departing will lead to a loss of snatched chains, the drafting of LB Bradley Chubb joining TE Jake Butt is a gain for juvenile humor.

KC Chiefs (8.5): The KC Reidskins abdicated themselves of game-manager QB Alex Smith this season to start the second coming of Brett Favre, who's 69-yard (heh) bomb against my Dirty Birds in the preseason is the longest recorded NFL pass. The NFL shows how little fun they are by not letting actual doctor/KC linebacker Dr. Laurent Duvernay-Tardif put the M.D. on his jersey

Oakland(ish) Raiders (8.0): In what's supposed to be their last season in Oakland before taking a permanent residency in Las Vegas, the Raiders are gonna grind you back to 1998 with the hiring of HC Jon Gruden. Out are analytics and data (or day-ta) and in are fullbacksold school football, and Spider 2 Y Banana

LA Superchargers (9.5): This NFL franchise that is only ever noticed by opposing fanbases, for losing games in the stupidest ways, for everyone who played on the team dying, and everyone else on the team being injured. They'll win the AFC West and no one in LA will care.

NFC East:

Dallas Cowboys (8.5): This Trump-supporting fan base should know that his Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh doesn't think Dez caught itHats off to Cowboy's owner and noted anthem-respecter the Double J, who will let you play on his team if you beat up women or violate substance abuse policy, but not if you take a knee. QB Dak Prescott will have an even worse year throwing to a cast-off receiving corps that can't even keep a car in bounds.

NY Football Giants (7.0): The New York Giants are aware of the video showing that they are rebuilding their team around the 37-year old QB that is Eli Manning. At least they drafted rookie RB Saquon Barkley to pair with receiving threat Odell Beckham, Jr (powered by cocaine pizza) in his last year of contract, even if the GM doesn't trust the math

Philadelphia Eagles (10.0): Now that the Eagles have won a Super Bowl, the ashes of loved ones have finally been spreadthrown beers were effortlessly caught, and Tom Brady's ass has been slapped. The franchise that had testicular fortitude to call the Philly Special against the Patriots will, soon enough, regress back to getting the wrong play formation tattooed on their bodies, looting gas stationsand making draft moves too clever for themselves. With last season's almost-MVP Carson Wentz still injuredwhich Nick Foles will we get to start the season?

Washington [Redacted] (7.0): It's a different vibe on this team, with QB Kirk Cousins going to the Vikings and being replaced with the elder Alex Smith. To anyone who's talked themselves into thinking this is a good idea, I've got a position for you on the White House communications staff.

NFC North:

Da Bears (6.5): If you were wondering which team to root for that has needless celebrations resulting in fumbles, head coaching that results in turnovers, an offense that shelters sophomore QB Mitchy Trubes so he doesn't make any mistakes, and a front office left with the only unsigned drafted rookie, then da Bears are for you!

D'town Lions (7.5): Michiganthe state that aims to be the capital of (non-Catholic church-relatedsexual harassment cases, had its D'town Lions go and blindly hire NE Pats OC Matt Patricia as their head coach without checking him out, and you'll have to either guess or click on this link to see what he's been accused of.

Green Bay Packers (10.0): Don't worry when QB Aaron Rodgers inevitably shatters his collarbone again, because your quarterback room is exactly where it needs to be. Come December this team will be the football equivalent of shitting in a hamper.

Minnesota Vikings (10.0): Something called a Case Keenum was brought to the NFC Championship by something called the Minnesota Miracle. This season, the Vikes will employ a new QB in Kirk Cousins, who's corniness is actually an asset in the Midwest, until he meets his inevitable death by a tube of rocks. At least any idiot with a video tablet can do your head coach's job.

NFC South:

ATL Dirty Birds (9.0): Expect great things now that the Falcons offense has warmed up to its offensive coordinator. That is unless my Dirty Birds continue broadcast their play calls, as when they came up short against the Eagles last postseason, or walking saltine and QB Matt Ryan continues to throw assterceptions.

Carolina Panthers (9.0): If you like sexual harassment and domestic abuse in the form of team management, the Carolina Panthers are for you. Out is perma-scowled owner Jerry Richardson and in is new owner and displayer of brass balls David Tepper. On the field, we have a QB in Cam Newton who, when not concussed, is being trashed by his former wide receivers.

NO Aints (9.5): Pass is… CAUGHT! DIGGS! SIDELINE! TOUCHDOWN!!!! UNBELIEVABLE!!!!!!!! When the Saints defense went low, Stefon Diggs went high to come up with the Minnesota Miracle, a game-winning last second touchdown that is a karmic retort to Saints fans celebrating the Pats the previous year (for me, at least!). Remember that this team treats their cheerleader like a certain type of people a certain time ago and who's formerly mentally competent and now dead owner is enstatued for not moving the team to San Antonio after Hurricane Katrina. 

Tampa Bay Bucs (6.5): Guess who's suspending for three games after groping an Uber driver!? Why, that would be none other than Bucs QB Jameis Winston, your crab leg-stealingW-eating FSU product, who has grown and learned as a person as much as he has as a quarterback. A more entertaining product can certainly be found in the mobile strip club outside than on the field.

NFC West:

Santa Clara 49ers (8.5): The Silicon Valley 110001ers finally secured a QB in porn-star-dating Jimmy Garoppolo that is as hot as the seats in the sun at Levi's Field of Jeans. 

Seattle Seahawks (8.0): Seahawks head coach and STEEL BEAMS DON'T MELT advocate Pete Carroll ran out of motivational stories so had to overhaul the roster, making leading rusher QB Russell Wilson the only player you recognize on the empty husk of this team.

Los Angeles Rams (10.0): Mercifully free of former coach Jeff Fisher's 7-9 bullshit, new HC and notable millennial Sean McVay took the Rams to the playoffs for the first time in 13 seasons, and Los Angeles couldn't give less of a shit. The Rams could get more attendance at their games by issuing casting calls.

Zony Cards (5.5): Reverting back to shitty form last season, veterans QBs Sam Bradford and Mike Glennon welcome rookie and noted anti-Trump Instagrammer Josh Rosen to the Brett Kavanaugh of NFL franchises.

Sunday, February 4, 2018

i <heart> nfl: super bowl lii!!!

What: Super Bowl LII between the Philadelphia Eagles and the Boston Region Patriots is a rematch of Super Bowl XXXIX!!! What's changed? Push.

When: Kickoff is at 6:30pm EST (NBC) inside a dome and not on CBSAl Michaels will be calling the play-by-play, with Cris Collinsworth as the color guy and Michele Tafoya on the sideline. Advantage Patriots.

Who: NE Pats QB and father of an "annoying little pissant" Tom Brady is four years past life expectancy for a Patriot while the Eagles' Nick Foles looks to join the list of backup QBs that have won Super Bowls after starter Carson Wentz tore his ACL in December. Push.

Where: Minneapolis Avicide Center US Bank Stadium, where the Vikings became the 52nd team to not host their own Super Bowl. After receiving that brotherly love in the NFC Championship game, Minnesotans are planning on killing Eagles fans with kindness. Advantage Patriots.

How: While both teams were number one seeds in their respective conferences, each had a blowout win and a victory that came down to the wire. Push.

Why:






































Push.

Offense: Both offenses are ranked near the top, but New England has a RB by community while Philadelphia's hopes depend on which Nick Foles shows up today. Advantage Patriots.

Defense: Both defenses are also ranked near the top, but the Eagles look to sack Tom Brady as much as possible with lots of depth and versatility in their defensive front. Advantage Eagles.

Ownership: Boston-born boys Kraft and Laurie each own a team in the Super Bowl and reside part-time in Palm Springs, FL. Push.

Entertainment: As retribution for the previous wardrobe malfunction, Justin Timberlake plans on revealing one testicle during the Halftime Show. Push.

Celebrities: Bradley Cooper is embodying the Eagles playoff effort, while noted Pats fan Mark Wahlberg doesn't mind if they win. Advantage Eagles.

Love: The City of Brotherly love boasts a team with 5 members having brothers that are also NFL players. Eagles TE Zach Ertz is trying to achieve championship parity with his wife. As a country, most of America hates to see New England in another Super Bowl. Advantage Eagles.

Celebrations: The Eagles have had the most creative touchdown celebrations over the season, while NE just (sometimes) has the Gronk spike. Advantage Eagles.

Bowls: The Eagles are trying to win their first Super Bowl ever, but it's hard to win a Super Bowl if you've never won the Super Bowl. However, the City of Philadelphia perennially hosts the Wing Bowl. Push.

Technology: Our eventual robot overlords are picking the Eagles to win. Advantage Eagles.

Repair: This Philadelphia auto shop fixes cars better than New England fixes games. Advantage Eagles.

Authoritarianism: This Collingswood, NJ mayor is threatening to shut off the water of his Patriot fan neighbors, however the Unforced Error that is our president has strong ties to the Pats owner, coach, and QB. Advantage Patriots.

Security: While the Pats are upgrading security to keep Tom Brady's jersey safe, police in Philadelphia are coating the lamp poles with gear oil after finding Crisco an ineffective deterrentAdvantage Eagles.

Knowledge: While both better than these Jeopardy! contestants, Tom Brady doesn't fare very well at trivia, yet Eagles WR Alshon Jeffrey guarantees his team will win. Advantage Eagles.

Animals: Tom Brady has been bitten by dogs twice while the Philadelphia Eagles are taking their underdog status to heart. Advantage Eagles.

Enjoy the games, everyone!

Sunday, January 21, 2018

i <heart> nfl: championship weekend!

Well this weekend isn't going to be great for NFL fans in the U.S. Military. Due to the government shutdown, nonessential services such as the Armed Forces Network are no longer broadcasting, depriving those stationed abroad from taking in the games. Those near USO Centers, in South Korea, Japan, Germany, and Italy, for example, will be able to stream the games through NFL Game Pass for free. For the rest of us, it's time for Championship Weekend!




Sun 3:05pm CBS (Gantry Bar, LIC, NYC): 
With everyone outside of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts rooting for the Jaguars, formerly-benched QB Blake Bortles and his pissed off Sacksonville Saguars take on the NE Pats and QB Tom Brady's mysterious hand injury. The Jag's clairvoyant defensive ends predict the Pats will be giving out turnovers as the defense talks an ungodly amounts of shit6:40pm FOX: Authorities in the City of Philadelphia are greasing the light poles in anticipation of a win from the underdog Eagles, who are again hosting a playoff game at the Linc, now with one third of their terrible field improved! After last week's 'Minnesota Miracle,' the Vikings' vicious defense faces an Eagles offensive line that bulldozed my Dirty Birds out of the playoffs last week. While the two Jeff Fisher-era Rams QB castoffs prepare for the big game, Vikes fans are taunting Philly residents by doing the 'Skol' chant on the Rocky Steps. Hmmm... I wonder what happened last time someone tried to troll people with that chant? Win or lose, Eagles fans are sure to punch horses, climb greased up poles, and destroy anything lying around, which makes me happy to watch this games from a safe distance in New York.

Saturday, January 13, 2018

i <heart> nfl: divisional weekend!

Welcome to the second week of playoff football! All the teams are playing this weekend, and most games are predicted to be close. While the definition of what constitutes a catch was last season's officiating controversy, this season it's the definition of forward progress, and it's already had quite an effect on Wildcard Weekend. In non-playoff-related NFL news, the Cleveland Browns' 0-16 perfect season parade went on as planned.



Sat 4:35pm NBC (My couch, Center City, Philly): It's too bad the Philadelphia Eagles won't soar with backup QB Nick Foles under center, and as the first No. 1 seed to open the postseason as an underdog, they face my Dirty Birds squadron that have found their defense at just the right time and whose o-line is literally carrying the offense. 8:15pm CBS: After catching his own touchdown pass led to a comeback win over the KC Reidskins (surprise!), QB Marcus Mariota and his Tennessee Titans look to make NE Pats QB Tom Brady look like Blake Bortles as their defense plans to be everywhere. Pats TE the Gronk, who knows not to eat Tide Pods (cause that's a thing for some reason) and has 69 receptions for the season, will be active for the game, whereas the superficially spiritual Tom Brady will put anything in his body his quack trainer tells him to.

Sun 1:05 CBS: After losing the battle of offensive incompetence, Jax Jags QB Blake Bortles, who already looks very much like Blake Bortles, travels to a Yinzburgh Tequila Cowboys Steelers team featuring star WR Antonio Brown as a game-time decision against a stout Jags defense. Not being able to predict the future, I can tell you that the Jags will never win the Super Bowl4:40pm FOX: The Minnie Vikes are hoping to be the first team to play the Super Bowl at home, as they host football team and Panthers new owner the NO Saints.

Saturday, January 6, 2018

i <heart> nfl: wildcard weekend!

Welcome to the first week of playoff football! Before we get to the games, let's tally up all the coach firings this season! Ben McAdoo (Giants) was the first to get shitcanned, followed by Chuck Pagano (Colts), John Fox (Bears), Jim Caldwell (Lions), and Jack del Rio (Raiders). On to the games!

Sat 4:35pm ESPN (PJ Leahy's, LIC, NYC): After battling inconsistencies, find out if the Tennessee Titans will get after it or are a bunch of Mularkey against the classic Santa clock management and offensive powerhouse QB Alex Smith of the KC Reidskins. 8:15pm NBC: My Dirty Birds look to disrespect the LA Rams, who have gone from '7-9 bullshit' to the playoffs for the first time in over a decade by creating the NFL's scariest offense, on their way back to choking in the Super Bowl. As the City of Angels still hasn't taken to the Rams, I hope for SoCal-based Falcons fans to create a road-game-like environment for them.

Sun 1:05pm CBS (still deciding): The Bills were propelled to the playoffs by the Cincy Bengals clutch win over my beloved Ravens last week, and Bills fans have returned the favor by donating $17 contributions to Andy Dalton's charity and feeding the Bengals chicken wings, however this is cold comfort for Bengals fans given that the Cincy win sealed another contract extension for HC Marvin Lewis. Now, the Jax Jags, along with untrusty QB Blake Bortles, look to piss off a Bills squadron that had just this season benched their playoff QB4:40pm FOX: New Orleans Saints HC Sean Payton hopes to bring a strong Three Stooges game to Carolina Panthers HC Riverboat Ron's strong T-shirt look.