Sunday, November 12, 2017

i <heart> nfl: sonny perdue

No time to discuss which NFL owners appeared in the Paradise Papers this week because we're running late. Onto the games!

TNF: In a game that should be illegal, the Seattle Seahawks dispatched division rival Zony Cards yet lost CB Richard Sherman for the season to a ruptured Achilles.

Sun 1pm: Just like the fans that need to get drunk or high to watch the Browns, the players apparently do as well, as they unstrategically fuck up on the field and off and look to be rocked and socked by the D'town Lions. While he may want to eat that W with all the voracity of crab legs stolen from the local Publix, Tampa Bay QB Jameis Winston will be joining suspended WR Mike Evans on the bench while his throwing shoulder heals as they face a NY J-E-T-S squadron that will dance to anything. The Colts very public ruining of franchise QB Andrew Luck is apparently just inside his head as they face a conditioned Yinzburgh Steelers offense that has a license to drive.

4pm-ish: There's no time to contemplate dropping it like it's hot against a division rival last week, as my frustrated Dirty Birds look to rebound against a Cowboys without their star suspended, unsuspended, suspended, unsuspended, suspended, unsuspended, but now suspended again RB and with an owner who is totally fucking around with the NFL Commissioner. There are literally no words for how bad the NYF Giants have been under the soon-to-be-ending stewardship of HC Ben McAdoo, as they seek to rid themselves of Manningface and are underdogs against a winless Niners team.

SNF: The NE Pats bring #fakenews of conflict between HC Bill Belichick and Tom Brady's personal snake oil salesmen Alex Guerrero to Denver to face a still-bad Brock Osweiler and his Broncos.

MNF: Panthers QB Cam Newton aims to steer right into that iceberg as they face the notoriously inconsistent MIA Fins in primetime.

Sunday, November 5, 2017

i <heart> nfl: ryan zinke

Welcome to another week of NFL in our stupid world! Indicative of the Great Unravelling, Papa Johns (the official pizza of the alt-right) owner John Schnatter made headlines earlier this week for blaming slumping pizza sales on the NFL anthem protests. Or was it really a Jerry Jones ploy to deflect from his abandoned rap career!? We may never know. What we do know, however, is so mind-numblingly dumb that Papa Johns released a statement yesterday discouraging racists from buying their pizza. This is 2017 America, friends! In other news, former Niners QB and instigator of current protests C-Kaep has filed a collusion case against the NFL and, *oh snap*, the phones and email of NFL Commissioner and some team owners are to be turned over. Along those same lines, after Texas Houstons owner Bob McNair stated last week in reference to the anthem protests, “We can't have the inmates running the prison,” nearly the entire side kneeled. I'm tired of thinking about this... onto the games!

TNF: You hate Thursday Night Football like everyone else, in which the N-Y-J-E-S-T danced themselves to victory against a Bills franchise that is maybe not good, but at least getting better with the acquisition of WR Kelvin Benjamin.

Sun 1pm (PJ Leahy's, LIC, NYC): After spectating a Dirty Birds 10-second runoff victory #irl (in which the spike was intercepted), the Falcons visit their favorite fan in Panthers QB Cam Newton. The TB Bucs bring the same old Jameis Winston to the Hotel Katrina. The Eagles, enhanced by picking up RB Jay Ajayi from MIA, look to charge the mound against a Denver Broncos squadron that continues to pursue the failed Brock Osweiler experiment because it's not as bad as Trevor Siemian. The equal parts sad and confused Colts have shut down QB Andrew Luck and will fire up the Brisket, as they host divisional rival Texas Houstons who will also be without their really impressive starting QB for the remainder of the season, but look to wreck everything just the same.

4pm-ish: The Seattle Seahawks and QB Pete Carroll plan to fumble forward as they host the other team from Washington. The Dallas Cowboys and owner The Double J aim to not overreact in a tough home game against the KC Reidskins, but can at least can rely on the services of suspended, unsuspended, suspended, unsuspended, and suspended, but now unsuspended again star RB Zeke Elliot.

SNF: The Oakland Las Vegas Raiders visit the nonsensical MIA Fins and emergency kicker Ndamukong Suh.

MNF: With all of the sexual assault accusations currently flying around, will the GB Pack continue to get so friendly with their players as they host division rival D'town Lions.

Sunday, October 29, 2017

i <heart> nfl: jeff sessions

I'm taking in an NFL game #irl, so let's get to it!

TNF: My beloved Ravens stomped a nonsensical MIA Fins side 40-0, and Ravens QB Joe Flacco was severely concussed after an elite, er late, slide.

SMF: As much as they hate it, the Browns travel to London without center Joe Thomas as they 'host' the Minnie Vikes.

Sun 1pm (former Snoopy Stadium, East Rutherford, NJ!): The Santa Clara Niners question the futility of victoryMy Dirty Birds are becoming the Angry Birds, as the offense is struggling to take off under OC Steve Sarkisian, and yours truly will be there to lift the fog on this offense in a torrential downpour that will certainly delay the J-E-T-S. The most consistent plays from the Panthers as of late consist of Cam Newton rage-quitting on press conferences as they look to kick it against the Bucs. The Cincy Bagels look to kick it against a Colts squadron that is sorry their team sucks.

4pm-ish: The Seahawks will have plenty of time for day-time EDM dance parties once they're kicked out of the league for DUR DURKA DURRRRRR disrespectin' the flag as the Houston Inmates look to run the Prison of CenturyLink Field. We'll see if the FaceTime put in by Washington [Redacted] QB Kirk Cousins counts against division rival Cowboys kicking it from safety.

No time for the night games, as it's time for your truly to tailgate in the rain!

Sunday, October 22, 2017

i <heart> nfl: james mattis

NFL Players won this week, as the league backed down from requiring players to stand for the National Anthem. People on both sides of the debate can at least appreciate that this kerfuffle is fucking up NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell's contract extension. Also, coming off another week of brutal injuries, those with the 2017 all-injury fantasy team is stacked.

TNF: In another improbably entertaining game, the Oakland Raiders defeated the KC Reidskins in an ordeal in which everyone fucked up, including the ejection and one-game suspension of Beast Mode for contact with an official.

Sun 1pm: After ridding themselves of DC Miami Vice Gandalf, the NO Aints finally found a defense that looks ready to exploit the newly Rodgers-less (and still C-Kaep-less) GB Pack offense. The re-started DeShone Kizer will give the Titans a tour of the Factory of Sadness. Ron Burgundy continues announcing fucking awesome FG misses for the Jax Jags as they travel to the still Luck-less Colts hoping the Brisket is readyDa Bears' Pretty Boy Assassin will have his work cut out against Panthers QB Cam Newton if he can find himFresh off getting screwed out of a win, the J-E-S-T respect the American flag by sitting on it before visiting the MIA Fins. Now that the Fitzmagic Curse has stricken the TB Bucs, will the Bills continue their strong performance, or are they just taking us for a ride?

4pm-ish: After having a worse week than Harvey Weinstein, the NYFG fixed their offensive woes with HC Ben McAdoo and his hairstyle surrendering play-calling duty, and now host the Seattle Seahawks. Since the Buddhist fans of the Dallas Cowboys self-immolated themselves, fans of other religions will have to step up to root against the Silicon Valley Niners, who's win total is expressed the same in both binary and decimal. Finally having won a game with a fieldgoal, the LA Superchargers' purgatory continues as they host the Broncos in another excruciating road game.

SNF: My Dirty Birds look to elevate their offense, both figuratively and literally, by putting OC Steve Sarkisian in the press box, in this rematch of Super Bowl LI and Worst Day of My Life(tm) against the NE Pats and smug, cheating bitch Tom Brady.

MNF: The Philadelphia Eagles look to improve on their standing in both the NFC East and Goodwill as they host division rival Washington [Redacted].

Sunday, October 15, 2017

i <heart> nfl: steven mnuchin

Good news, everyone! It turns out there's been no oppression in this country for the past 100 years, so everyone can go ahead and stop kneeling for the anthem now, ya hear! Accordingly, future President Mike Pence wasted hundreds of thousands of your taxpayer dollars to stage a stunt where he walked away from kneeling Niners players, which surely didn't cause any sort of distraction from an administration that knows nothing else. In case you want to know what the kneeling is really about, read Eric Reid's editorial in the NY Times. In other news, now that a Cowboys player has been arbitrarily suspended by the NFL, the Double J is mad at the extrajudicial system he helped create. At least Roger Goodell's wife can defend the decision from her burner Twitter account.

TNF: A cartoon Tony Romo did the color broadcast of Cam Newton failing to (sucker-)punch the ball in the endzone on the final drive, probably because the best receiver in the game was doing commentary.

1pm (Kensington, Philly): Will my Dirty Birds be able to hold the line against the MIA Ski Team, who, since the Smokin' Jay Cutler experiment, have had trouble sending those checks? There's no tolerance for racism in the NFL, except for the Washington [Redacted]'s teamname, as DCQB Kirk Cousins puts on an audition for the Santa Clara Niners, who just humanely put down their star linebacker. A-aron Rodgers will probably find a way to lead his GB Pack to victory over the childish Minnie Vikes, who are plotting murder against their own QB.

4pm-ish: The Raiders look to restart the Carr against a Chargers squadron in purgatory, facing its sixth straight road game, as hellish fire burns around the stadium. For the second time this season, the TB Bucs forced their kicker to walk the plank, as they visit a Zony Cards franchise featuring Adrian Peterson and Sheriff Joe discussing the finer points of corporal punishment. It looks like Yinzburgh Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger doesn't have it anymore, as he showcases his inability to use his many weapons against the undefeated KC Chiefs.

SNF: It'll be a good start to the week, since you don't need to stay up to discover the result of this one-sided matchup, as the Denver Broncos and their Tight Butt assail the winless NYFG, or rather, the New New York Jets, who have lost their top three receiving threats and suspended their cornerback.

MNF: In our unpredictable topsy-turvy world, this AFC South showdown between the Colts and Titans found itself on a Monday night instead of Thursday.

Sunday, October 8, 2017

i <heart> nfl: rex tillerson

In Week 5, we start to get hit by the non-hurricane related BYEs [Full disclosure: 'The Field of BYEs' is currently the name of one of my fantasy football teams]. And I went to too many parties this weekend so here we go!

TNF: The NE Pats, featuring Sad Brady and a broken defense, needed a lot of help from the TB Bucs kicking woes in order to squeak out a victory.

Sun 1pm: In Cam Newton's defense, the routes the Panthers run are pretty funny, but after demonstrating that he is not right on the field and off after his sexist comments, his squad  faces the technically-challenged D'town Lions without the support of Big Yogurt. The Cleveland Browns look to hand it over to a N-Y-J-E-S-T franchise that, at 2-2, will castrate them because the NYJs can't even tank properlyAfter signing social justice hero and Super Bowl Quarterback Brandon Weeden, the Tennessee Titans will be sacked by patriotism as they visit a MIA Fins team whose offense gives zero fucks. The Colts' sideline painter found his way into Jim Irsay's medicine cabinet before prepping the field in anticipation of the Santa Clara 49ers' visit.

4pm-ish: The struggling Cowboys' offense host a Green Bay squadron at Jerryland, that hopes to stop making stupid fucking calls. Seahawks CB Richard Sherman stated that fantasy football has ruined fans' ability to feel sympathy for injured players, of which they have many, as they visit the mismatched LA Rams.

SNF: The undefeated KC Reidskins and butt kicker dot com visit the Texas Houstons and their pass rush of terror.

MNF: Da Bears will start rookie Mitchell "Not Mitch" Trubisky over Mike Glennon's neck at quarterback as they host a Minnie Vikes squadron suffering from ACL tears.

Sunday, October 1, 2017

i <heart> nfl: orrin hatch

As we enter Week 4, players kneeling for the national anthem and the tweets of our Unforced Error dominated the NFL bandwidth, with owners discussing social issues with players, celebrities getting in on the action, and angry men burning jerseys. The Atlanta Falcons and Golden State's Steph Curry are wondering if the meaning of the protests has been lost, only to be replaced by some feel-good concept of Unity. Yes, it has.

TNF: Amazon shipped a football game in which da distracted boyfriends Bears butterfingered their way to a loss against division rival GB Pack while committing the season's most atrocious penalty so far.

Sun 9:30am: I do say, it seems that Puffing Jay Cutler hosts Drew Brees and the Saints to take on Miami at Wembley Stadium, London.

1pm: My beloved Ravens look to beef up security since they are onto the chicanery of rat bastard Ben Roethlisberger and his Yinzburg Steelers. Can the N-Y-J-E-T-S name five starters against a resurgent Jax Jags squadron? The Lions continue to explore the space of losing due to obscure NFL rules as they look to light it up against the wheel-spinning Minnie Vikes. After technically winningthe best kind of winning, my Dirty Birds are pulling their hair out before a visit from the Buffalo Bills. Cam Newton and his Panthers will wobble against the NE Pats, whose stadium is charging $4.50 for tap water, quite a price for sunburn protection.

4pm-ish: After losing $32K FTW last week, the Philadelphia Eagles look to unmask the LA Superchargers on the cheap, while Los Angeles' StubHub Center will attempt Chargers/Eagles fandom parity. Will the NYFG find something to celebrate as they retire to the Tampa Bay Bucs? 

SNF: The Colts will fire up The Brisket against a Seattle defense that is recently not quite as dominant, leaving fans wondering if Flex Scheduling should start earlier in the season, as the nation contemplates this duel between 1-2 teams. 

MNF: The 3-0 KC Reidskins host the Washington [Redacted] at Arrowhead Stadium where DC plans to unsheath the Chris Army Knife.