Sunday, February 4, 2018

i <heart> nfl: super bowl lii!!!

What: Super Bowl LII between the Philadelphia Eagles and the Boston Region Patriots is a rematch of Super Bowl XXXIX!!! What's changed? Push.

When: Kickoff is at 6:30pm EST (NBC) inside a dome and not on CBSAl Michaels will be calling the play-by-play, with Cris Collinsworth as the color guy and Michele Tafoya on the sideline. Advantage Patriots.

Who: NE Pats QB and father of an "annoying little pissant" Tom Brady is four years past life expectancy for a Patriot while the Eagles' Nick Foles looks to join the list of backup QBs that have won Super Bowls after starter Carson Wentz tore his ACL in December. Push.

Where: Minneapolis Avicide Center US Bank Stadium, where the Vikings became the 52nd team to not host their own Super Bowl. After receiving that brotherly love in the NFC Championship game, Minnesotans are planning on killing Eagles fans with kindness. Advantage Patriots.

How: While both teams were number one seeds in their respective conferences, each had a blowout win and a victory that came down to the wire. Push.



Offense: Both offenses are ranked near the top, but New England has a RB by community while Philadelphia's hopes depend on which Nick Foles shows up today. Advantage Patriots.

Defense: Both defenses are also ranked near the top, but the Eagles look to sack Tom Brady as much as possible with lots of depth and versatility in their defensive front. Advantage Eagles.

Ownership: Boston-born boys Kraft and Laurie each own a team in the Super Bowl and reside part-time in Palm Springs, FL. Push.

Entertainment: As retribution for the previous wardrobe malfunction, Justin Timberlake plans on revealing one testicle during the Halftime Show. Push.

Celebrities: Bradley Cooper is embodying the Eagles playoff effort, while noted Pats fan Mark Wahlberg doesn't mind if they win. Advantage Eagles.

Love: The City of Brotherly love boasts a team with 5 members having brothers that are also NFL players. Eagles TE Zach Ertz is trying to achieve championship parity with his wife. As a country, most of America hates to see New England in another Super Bowl. Advantage Eagles.

Celebrations: The Eagles have had the most creative touchdown celebrations over the season, while NE just (sometimes) has the Gronk spike. Advantage Eagles.

Bowls: The Eagles are trying to win their first Super Bowl ever, but it's hard to win a Super Bowl if you've never won the Super Bowl. However, the City of Philadelphia perennially hosts the Wing Bowl. Push.

Technology: Our eventual robot overlords are picking the Eagles to win. Advantage Eagles.

Repair: This Philadelphia auto shop fixes cars better than New England fixes games. Advantage Eagles.

Authoritarianism: This Collingswood, NJ mayor is threatening to shut off the water of his Patriot fan neighbors, however the Unforced Error that is our president has strong ties to the Pats owner, coach, and QB. Advantage Patriots.

Security: While the Pats are upgrading security to keep Tom Brady's jersey safe, police in Philadelphia are coating the lamp poles with gear oil after finding Crisco an ineffective deterrentAdvantage Eagles.

Knowledge: While both better than these Jeopardy! contestants, Tom Brady doesn't fare very well at trivia, yet Eagles WR Alshon Jeffrey guarantees his team will win. Advantage Eagles.

Animals: Tom Brady has been bitten by dogs twice while the Philadelphia Eagles are taking their underdog status to heart. Advantage Eagles.

Enjoy the games, everyone!

Sunday, January 21, 2018

i <heart> nfl: championship weekend!

Well this weekend isn't going to be great for NFL fans in the U.S. Military. Due to the government shutdown, nonessential services such as the Armed Forces Network are no longer broadcasting, depriving those stationed abroad from taking in the games. Those near USO Centers, in South Korea, Japan, Germany, and Italy, for example, will be able to stream the games through NFL Game Pass for free. For the rest of us, it's time for Championship Weekend!

Sun 3:05pm CBS (Gantry Bar, LIC, NYC): 
With everyone outside of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts rooting for the Jaguars, formerly-benched QB Blake Bortles and his pissed off Sacksonville Saguars take on the NE Pats and QB Tom Brady's mysterious hand injury. The Jag's clairvoyant defensive ends predict the Pats will be giving out turnovers as the defense talks an ungodly amounts of shit6:40pm FOX: Authorities in the City of Philadelphia are greasing the light poles in anticipation of a win from the underdog Eagles, who are again hosting a playoff game at the Linc, now with one third of their terrible field improved! After last week's 'Minnesota Miracle,' the Vikings' vicious defense faces an Eagles offensive line that bulldozed my Dirty Birds out of the playoffs last week. While the two Jeff Fisher-era Rams QB castoffs prepare for the big game, Vikes fans are taunting Philly residents by doing the 'Skol' chant on the Rocky Steps. Hmmm... I wonder what happened last time someone tried to troll people with that chant? Win or lose, Eagles fans are sure to punch horses, climb greased up poles, and destroy anything lying around, which makes me happy to watch this games from a safe distance in New York.

Saturday, January 13, 2018

i <heart> nfl: divisional weekend!

Welcome to the second week of playoff football! All the teams are playing this weekend, and most games are predicted to be close. While the definition of what constitutes a catch was last season's officiating controversy, this season it's the definition of forward progress, and it's already had quite an effect on Wildcard Weekend. In non-playoff-related NFL news, the Cleveland Browns' 0-16 perfect season parade went on as planned.

Sat 4:35pm NBC (My couch, Center City, Philly): It's too bad the Philadelphia Eagles won't soar with backup QB Nick Foles under center, and as the first No. 1 seed to open the postseason as an underdog, they face my Dirty Birds squadron that have found their defense at just the right time and whose o-line is literally carrying the offense. 8:15pm CBS: After catching his own touchdown pass led to a comeback win over the KC Reidskins (surprise!), QB Marcus Mariota and his Tennessee Titans look to make NE Pats QB Tom Brady look like Blake Bortles as their defense plans to be everywhere. Pats TE the Gronk, who knows not to eat Tide Pods (cause that's a thing for some reason) and has 69 receptions for the season, will be active for the game, whereas the superficially spiritual Tom Brady will put anything in his body his quack trainer tells him to.

Sun 1:05 CBS: After losing the battle of offensive incompetence, Jax Jags QB Blake Bortles, who already looks very much like Blake Bortles, travels to a Yinzburgh Tequila Cowboys Steelers team featuring star WR Antonio Brown as a game-time decision against a stout Jags defense. Not being able to predict the future, I can tell you that the Jags will never win the Super Bowl4:40pm FOX: The Minnie Vikes are hoping to be the first team to play the Super Bowl at home, as they host football team and Panthers new owner the NO Saints.

Saturday, January 6, 2018

i <heart> nfl: wildcard weekend!

Welcome to the first week of playoff football! Before we get to the games, let's tally up all the coach firings this season! Ben McAdoo (Giants) was the first to get shitcanned, followed by Chuck Pagano (Colts), John Fox (Bears), Jim Caldwell (Lions), and Jack del Rio (Raiders). On to the games!

Sat 4:35pm ESPN (PJ Leahy's, LIC, NYC): After battling inconsistencies, find out if the Tennessee Titans will get after it or are a bunch of Mularkey against the classic Santa clock management and offensive powerhouse QB Alex Smith of the KC Reidskins. 8:15pm NBC: My Dirty Birds look to disrespect the LA Rams, who have gone from '7-9 bullshit' to the playoffs for the first time in over a decade by creating the NFL's scariest offense, on their way back to choking in the Super Bowl. As the City of Angels still hasn't taken to the Rams, I hope for SoCal-based Falcons fans to create a road-game-like environment for them.

Sun 1:05pm CBS (still deciding): The Bills were propelled to the playoffs by the Cincy Bengals clutch win over my beloved Ravens last week, and Bills fans have returned the favor by donating $17 contributions to Andy Dalton's charity and feeding the Bengals chicken wings, however this is cold comfort for Bengals fans given that the Cincy win sealed another contract extension for HC Marvin Lewis. Now, the Jax Jags, along with untrusty QB Blake Bortles, look to piss off a Bills squadron that had just this season benched their playoff QB4:40pm FOX: New Orleans Saints HC Sean Payton hopes to bring a strong Three Stooges game to Carolina Panthers HC Riverboat Ron's strong T-shirt look.

Sunday, December 31, 2017

i <heart> nfl: betsy devos

Last week saw the addition of the KC Chiefs, LA Rams, NO Aints, and Carolina Panthers to the postseason roster. The final 2 spots in the AFC will go to two of the Ravens, Titans, Bills (!?), or Chargers, with the final NFC slot going to either the Falcons or Seahawks. As is done with soccer (metric football) matches, the NFL has flexed all the playoff-deciding games to 4:25pm this afternoon to ensure the outcome of one game doesn't affect the play of another. 

Sun 1pm: There's no reason to watch any of these games. Instead, spend time reflecting on 2017 and contemplating what 2018 will bring.

4:25pm on the dot: After playing like butt last week, my Dirty Birds seal their spot in the playoffs with a win as the Carolina Panthers rally around sexual harasser, dictionary definition of 'scowl', and soon-to-be-former owner Jerry Richardson. The Seahawks, otherwise, could sneak into the postseason by defeating whatever is going on between the Zony Cards and HC Bruce Arians. Whether the Jax Jags start QB Blake Bortles or his clone will dictate the difficulty of the Titans in winning their matchup, which would guarantee them a playoff spot. My beloved Ravens hope to have enough fans at M&T Bank Stadium before NYE Stoop Party Time (which starts early in Baltimore), as a win against the Hapless Cincy Bagels and their lame duck coach also guarantees a playoff ticket. The Buffalo Bills might want to keep just 11 men on the field, since they need both a win and some help, as do the LA Chargers, who finally became the team they were meant to be just when it was too late.

Saturday, December 23, 2017

i <heart> nfl: rick perry

Yours truly just returned from Asia, so apologies for no NFL update last week. Let's get things back up to speed with congratulations to the NE Pats, Yinzburgh Stillers, Jax Jags (!?), Philly Eagles, and Minnie Vikes for securing spots in the postseason. With only 2 weeks remaining in the regular season, here are the possible scenarios for your team to make it in one of the remaining seven spots. In other news, the Panthers are for sale after team owner Jerry Richardson, the type of person that the Double J insists we need more of, found himself under investigation for workplace misconduct. The XFL is getting revived as a response to national anthem protests. And the internet was p0wned for a couple hours when the Washington franchise decided to change their name to the Redhawks.

Sat 4:30pm: My beloved Ravens are running out of time to make some noise in the postseason, but helped their effort with a win over the betrothed Indy Colts. 

SatNF: In a division rivalry game of little consequence, the eliminated Packers host the NFC North Champion Minnie Vikes.

Sun 1pm: In control of their destiny, my Dirty Birds are ready to get fucking set for the playoffs by eating a W against hated division rival NO Aints and their dipshit fans. Fans of the Buffalo Bills are faced with the cold collision of reality that they likely need to win out the season, starting against a NE Pats team manely focused on banning Tom Brady's quack guru from team facilities. It turns out the 0-14 Cleveland Browns don't have real players which is why they're living in Hell as they look to give da Bears a Browns VIP experience.

4pm-ish: Bitch, the Seattle Seahawks got that lawyer money that they'll need to pay the first concussion protocol violation ever levied, as they face a Dallas Cowboys side where both teams require victory and help from their NFC compatriots in order to punch a ticket to the playoffs.

Xmas 4:30pm: The Texas Houstons turn one team's trash into little kids' treasure after the Yinzburgh Stillers left a real mess in the kitchen last week. 

XNF: After losing starting QB Carson Wentz to a season-ending ACL tear, the Eagles need to achieve plan/prayer parity with backup Nick Foles back under center, as they look for home field advantage against an Oakland Raiders squadron that was eliminated from playoff contention by the edge of a notecard.

Sunday, December 10, 2017

i <heart> nfl: ben carson

The big news this week is that NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell will remain obscenely wealthy after his $200 million five-year contract extension. Also, there's been some coach/GM firings, as you'll read below.

TNF: The NO Aints don't remember choking against my Dirty Birds in an exciting matchup featuring lots of interceptions, half-ending illegal formation penalties, WRs making open-field tackles, and a coach getting flagged for unsportsmanlike conduct. 

Sun 1pm: Good news for fans of Manningface! The NYFG have mercifully fired both head coach and general manager and QB Eli Manning is back as the starter against the underperforming Dallas Cowboys. The (Cleveland) Browns fired (GM Sashi) Brown on their way to the 0-16 parade, but at least WR Josh Gordon is back to lighting things up on the field, as they host a GB Packers team biding time until the return of Aaron Rodgers.

4pm-ish: As a fan of parlays, it's good to know that the 3-9 Denver Broncos can still make the playoffs if these 27 results go just right, the first of which is a win against the N-Y-J-E-T-S. After QB Russell Wilson prepared himself with Google and their WRs prepared themselves for shittalk with Richard Sherman, can the Seattle Seahawks perform another Galilean transformation for the win against a suddenly dangerous Jax Jags defense and their bologna-sandwich-enjoying head coach? The LA Rams have put out a literal casting call for "fans" to "cheer" for their "favorite team" against a Philly Eagles squadron that can likely boast more of their own new worst fans in attendance.

SNF: Fresh off a heated division rivalry that witnessed players lost to injury and suspension alike, the Yinzburg Steelers face another heated division rivalry in my beloved yet not-quite-elite Ravens looking to eat another W

MNF: QB, purveyor of awkward social media, and whiny bitch Tom Brady is going to be with one less target after NE Pats TE Gronk was suspended for a bullshit late hit, as they take on a MIA Fins side that, err...., really loves football.