Saturday, January 12, 2019

i <heart> nfl: divisional weekend!

Welcome to Divisional Weekend of the Playoffs! Last week brought us a slate of mostly-exciting games, and this weekend promises a snow game! Additional enjoyment will be gained by watching the Bears mascot in the gif below.

Sat 4:35pm (NBC): General Andrew Luck has indicated that we'd lack run from the Battlefield of the Trans-Mississippi Theater as his sleeper cell Colts face off against the spontaneous greatness of KC Reidskins QB and Hot Camera Skimp Patrick Mahomes and a weak KC defense. Watch for SNOOOOOOOW and classic Andy Reid clock mismanagement8:15pm (FOX): Cowboys QB Dak Prescott will have to throw pocket darts and lean on their stout defense if they want to have any shot against an LA Rams squadron led by QB and comedian Jared Goff.

Sun 1:05pm (CBS): Mr. Bad Toy NE Pats QB Tom Brady is showing his age and since his brain's wired for contact, let's hope the LA Chargers linebacker-less defense gives it to him. Silver-hip Rip Chargers QB Philip Rivers looks to exorcise the demons of history with a win over their hated rival4:40pm (FOX): Saved by the Double-doink heard around the world, Eagles fans are Venmo'ing money to randos thinking they are Bears kicker Cody Parkey. But now they check into the Hotel Katrina against a NO Saints side motivated by glass boxes full of money.

Saturday, January 5, 2019

i <heart> nfl: wildcard weekend!

Welcome to the first week of the NFL playoffs! Congratulations if your team made it, otherwise this chart will show you when exactly your team lost it. Onto the games!

Sat 4:35pm (ABC): Unsurprising when you think about it, but this Indy/Houstons game will be the first playoff game between two AFC South teams in history. With the final season of Game of Thrones airing this year, Colts QB Hodor will again be under center in the playoffs facing Houston QB Deshaun Watson, appearing for the first time in the postseason. 8:15pm (FOX): The Seahawks travel to JerryLand to face the Cowboys in this Week 3 rematch.

Sun 1:05pm (CBS): Our Baltimore Ravens face off against an unloved LA Chargers squadron in this Week 16 rematch. Look for the Ravens top-ranked defense to produce all kinds of faces from Chargers QB Philip Rivers. 4:40pm (NBC): Defending Champions Philadelphia Eagles are again playoff underdogs with QB Nick Foles under center against da Bears fearsome defense.

Sunday, December 30, 2018

i <heart> nfl: week 17

Welcome to the final week of the regular season! So far, congratulations to the Pats, Houstons, Chiefs, Chargers, Cowboys, Saints, Rams, and Seahawks on making the playoffs! The final seedings and teams will make it today. I'm currently on vacation in Puerto Rico, so all times are Atlantic Stantard Time.

2pm (AST): None of these games are worth watching save for the future impending First Amendment Supreme Court case regarding whether NYF Giants fans can inform their team that they 'fucking suck'.

5:25pm on the dot: Minnie Vikes are in with win over Bears, but instead the Eagles are in with Minnie loss and win over Skins. The Ravens are in on win against Browns. KC Reidskins get 1st in AFC with win over hapless Raiders. The Steelers are in with a win against Cincy Bagels, which will be tough with their receiving threats on the injured reserve, but also need a Browns victory, which is asking a lot.

SNF: Indy or Titans in on win, but if there's a tie, neither of them get in and the Steelers advance which would be such an AFC South thing to happen.

Sunday, December 9, 2018

i <heart> nfl: week 14

Welcome to December, where we can start speculating about which teams we'll see in the postseason (hint: not my Dirty Birds!). How is your team faring!?

TNF: In a staple of Thursday night football, the Tennessee Derrick Henrys embarrassed an  Jax Jags squadron the is not in The Good Place even after benching QB Blake Bortles.

Sun 1pm: My Dirty Birds are barely hanging onto their playoff hopes (nopes?) as they host a GB Pack  who has finally fired their head coach for ruining the team and former legend Brett Favre was tricked into recording an anti-Semitic video about not letting the small get you down. The QB situation of the Washington [Redacted] has gone from bad to Buttfumble Recovery to worse as they do other bad stuff, too, like signing players with domestic abuse arrests, selling a plush doll of their murdered star player, and having shitty fans in general, as they host a NYF Giants side where the star WR is fed up with the offense. Having shed the losingest coach in history, the Cleveland Browns then proceeded to trash him on the field of his new team, and are now on to host the Carolina Panthers in order to trash their playoff hopes.

4pm-ish: You'll be surprised that the 34-game parley needed to carry Jon Gruden's Raiders to the payoffs failed, while QB Derek Carr has followed his brother into Stat Hell, and they now host the Yinzburgh Steelers with QB Ben Roethlisberger crapping on his teammates for his poor performance.

SNF: In what should be a quite watchable matchup, da Bears are unlocking the real 2nd year QB Mitchy Trubes just as LA Rams QB Jared Goff is unleashing Halle Berry.

MNF: Will the Seattle Seahawks continue to dish out cheap shots against the Minnesota Vikings while these teams currently sit in the NFC Wildcard picture?

Sunday, November 25, 2018

i <heart> nfl: week 12

Since my team is doing so poorly, I need to feel better by looking at teams way worse than mine. So in that interest, here's a two-fer for the NY JETS.

Thanksgiving: One of the more successful NFC North franchises defeated the Detroit Lions while they were yelling at you to sit up straight at the Thanksgiving dinner table. Stuck with a Colt McCoy under center the Washington [Redacted] fell to the Dallas Cowboys. I am not thankful about my Dirty Birds performance against the NO Saints, while Falcons WR Mohamed Sanu is thankful for the life of Stan Lee.

Sun 1pm: The NYF Giants know it's only crazy until you do it against last week's Ass Team of the Week in the Philly Eagles. After achieving pick-six/touchdown parity, the Nathan Peterman era in Buffalo is officially over, as the Bills continue to be inspired by Tecmo Bowl play calls and dildos on the field, as they host a Jax Jags squadron whose defense is let down by the lack of offense. The Ravens find a spitting image of Louisville's playbook to make QB Lamar Jackson the playmaker that Joe Flacco has not been for some time, as they host an Oakland Raiders franchise whose QB/HC combo wears the score on their faces.

4pm-ish: Will the Yinzburgh Steelers find it challenging to contain the Denver Broncos pass rush from spooking QB Ben Roethlisberger? 

SNF: It is GB Packers QB Aaron Rodgers' first game back in the Minnesota Avicide Center since his collarbone was broken there last season, as these two teams continue to foolishly chase bears. 

MNF: The Texas Houstons mourn the loss of their somewhat controversial owner as they host the Tennessee Titans.

Sunday, November 18, 2018

i <heart> nfl: week 11

Well we've finished product roughly on time once again! Enjoy.

TNF: In some classic Mike McCarthy game mismanagement, the Packers once again dropped the ball against the Seattle Seahawks.

Sun 1pm: The Tampa Bay Bucs look to improve on their scoring ratio of 1 point per 167 yards against the suddenly entertaining NYF Giants. Hopefully my Dirty Birds will take their opponent seriously this week, coming in the form the Double J's Cowboys. The Tennessee Titans, a quantum superposition of contender and pretender, look to antagonize an Indy Colts franchise whose O-line is keeping Andrew Luck vertical for onceDoes the fact that the Pittsburgh Raiders have been successfully held out against change their game plan against a Jax Jags squadron that is back to looking like their comical selves of lateWe may get some classic RGIII action as the Ravens may need to lean on their backup backup QB against division rival Cincy Bagels. As a Bill Belichick coaching product, Matt Patricia had his D'town Lions practice in the snow in preparation for their next four indoor games, the first of which is against the Carolina Panthers.

4pm-ish: Intentional grounding on 4th down is not just a metaphor for the Oakland Raiders season, but is also the product on the field as they visit the Zony Cards.

SNF: Can the Bears trust Mitchy Trubes against division rival Minnie Vikes?

MNF: The KC Reidskins look to improve on their 9-1 coin toss record as QB Patrick Mahomes, and his presidential appetite for ketchup, recovers from being killed by his virtual self against the LA Rams.

Sunday, October 28, 2018

i <heart> nfl: week 8

In NFL news this week, an official was fired midseason for the first time in the Super Bowl era for missing obvious false start calls. And in other news, here are the best ways to relieve oneself during the game.

TNF: "Expect the worst and get the best" as QB Deshaun Watson and the Texas Houstons lit up the MIA Fins.

Sun 9:30am: The rapidly collapsing Jax Jags cross the pond to field the strength of London Bortles or otherwise demonstrate that Colin Kaepernick should be in the league as their unbenched QB faces the hungover Philadelphia Eagles.

1pm: Will we see the same elite mattress-purchasing in Ravens QB Joe Flacco we got last week as the Ravens visit the artificially fired up Carolina Panthers? The Bell-less Steelers host the memefication of the Cleveland Browns. The Broncos travel to the advanced defense of the KC Reidskins after cutting their starting QB for trespassing into a stranger's house.

4pm-ish: Scottish ethics professor St. Andrew Luck and his Colts take on an Oakland Raiders franchise whose coach has lost the locker room and QB has lost the confidence of his teammates for crying after a hit and personnel has lost the second and last of their Pro Bowlers after WR Amari Cooper was traded to Dallas.

SNF: Here's hoping that Minnie Vikes shutdown CB Xavier Rhodes can start against the NO Aints in a rematch of last season's playoff game that gave us the Minnesota Miracle.

MNF: The Buffalo Bills will continue to search for the Derek Anderson renaissance as they continue to get trolled by mascots while hosting the hated New England Patriots.