Sunday, February 3, 2019

i <heart> nfl: super bowl liii!!!

What: Super Bowl LIII between the Los Angeles Rams and the Patriots is a rematch of Super Bowl XXXVI, which was the first championship won by NE. Advantage Patriots.

When: Kickoff is at 6:30pm EST (CBS) where Jim Nantz will call his fifth Super Bowl accompanied former Cowboys quarterback and commentating sage Tony Romo, who knows the score will be 28-24 with the loser having the last possession, but won't say who. Push.

Who: Known cheater Tom Brady and his New England Patriots versus the formerly 7-9 St. Louis Rams. Now coached by noted millennial Sean McVay, the Rams are one of the most entertaining teams to watch. Advantage Rams.

Where: ATL Georgia, what do we do for ya? inside of Megatron's butthole, which yours truly still has yet to visit. No ice storm this go around, and Atlantans are definitely cheering against New England. Advantage Rams.

How: Both teams were number two seeds in their respective conferences, finishing off the number one seeds in astonishingly close matchups. 


Advantage Rams.

Offense: New England and Los Angeles posses the top two offenses this season. Push.

Defense: While both good, Los Angeles has a terrifying trio that should be able to provide the interior pressure the Patriots are vulnerable to. Advantage Rams.

Ownership: Friend of our Unforced National Error Bob Kraft owns the Patriots while Rams owner and shitbird Stan Kroenke uprooted the Rams from their previous St. Louis home. Push.

Entertainment: Maroon 5, a vanilla band that's willing to perform the Super Bowl halftime while most artists are boycotting due to the league's blackballing of Colin Kaepernick for kneeling during the national anthem, are from LA. Advantage Rams.

Fans: Patriots fans know they're the worst, and the Rams don't have any, but since they're playing the Patriots, everyone outside of New England will be rooting for them. Advantage Rams.

Honesty: The Rams admit they caught a break in the NFC Championship game while a 10-year old's science fair project proved that Tom Brady lied about deflating footballs. Advantage Rams.

Narrative: There is nothing to talk about here. Advantage Patriots.

Mascots: In a fight, a real Ram should be able to take down a real Patriot. The Patriots mascot also was recently crashed into by a JetAdvantage Rams.

Age: Quarterbacks Jared Goff is 24 years old and Tom Brady is 41, and head coaches Bill Belichick is 66 years old and noted millennial Sean McVay is 33, in this matchup of experience versus innovation. Push.

Jerseys: Rams are wearing throwback in the Super Bowl, and Pats are wearing white, the first time they lost in white was last Super Bowl. Advantage Rams.

Magic: Harry Potter wants Tom Brady to lose. Advantage Rams.

Animals: The Patriots are pretending to be the underdogs, which they stole from the Eagles, because they suck and the line against the Rams started at 1 point against them (now 2.5 in their favor). Advantage Rams.

Enjoy the games, everyone!

Sunday, January 20, 2019

i <heart> nfl: championship weekend!

Here we are, just as Rams CB Aqib Talib predicted, and both games are rematches from earlier in the season, and are also forecast to be close games!

Sun 3:05pm (FOX) Noted Millennial HC Sean McVay checks into the Hotel Katrina and aims to lead his LA Rams against the storied accomplishments by old Saints QB Drew Brees. Look for Rams CB Marcus Peters and Saints HC Sean Payton sharing a bowl of gumbo and various Saints players riding Choppa Style, which apparently is like riding a fake bicycle.

6:40pm (CBS): Unfortunately it looks like a polar vortex will miss Kansas City for the AFC Championship game, which is probably good for the Reidskins since Tom Brady is 'a fucking machine' in cold weather, although he does possess fewer playoff road wins than Mark Sanchez, the event of which can be squarely blamed on great TE and poor Safety Rob Gronkowski. The NE Pats, who no one believes in and no one wants to see in the Superbowl, feature a squadron led by creepy Lego Tom Brady whose coat keeps getting bigger against the classical clock mismanagement of KCHC Andy Reid. Reidskins fans will counter by drinking twice as much as they did last week.

Saturday, January 12, 2019

i <heart> nfl: divisional weekend!

Welcome to Divisional Weekend of the Playoffs! Last week brought us a slate of mostly-exciting games, and this weekend promises a snow game! Additional enjoyment will be gained by watching the Bears mascot in the gif below.

Sat 4:35pm (NBC): General Andrew Luck has indicated that we'd lack run from the Battlefield of the Trans-Mississippi Theater as his sleeper cell Colts face off against the spontaneous greatness of KC Reidskins QB and Hot Camera Skimp Patrick Mahomes and a weak KC defense. Watch for SNOOOOOOOW and classic Andy Reid clock mismanagement8:15pm (FOX): Cowboys QB Dak Prescott will have to throw pocket darts and lean on their stout defense if they want to have any shot against an LA Rams squadron led by QB and comedian Jared Goff.

Sun 1:05pm (CBS): Mr. Bad Toy NE Pats QB Tom Brady is showing his age and since his brain's wired for contact, let's hope the LA Chargers linebacker-less defense gives it to him. Silver-hip Rip Chargers QB Philip Rivers looks to exorcise the demons of history with a win over their hated rival4:40pm (FOX): Saved by the Double-doink heard around the world, Eagles fans are Venmo'ing money to randos thinking they are Bears kicker Cody Parkey. But now they check into the Hotel Katrina against a NO Saints side motivated by glass boxes full of money.

Saturday, January 5, 2019

i <heart> nfl: wildcard weekend!

Welcome to the first week of the NFL playoffs! Congratulations if your team made it, otherwise this chart will show you when exactly your team lost it. Onto the games!

Sat 4:35pm (ABC): Unsurprising when you think about it, but this Indy/Houstons game will be the first playoff game between two AFC South teams in history. With the final season of Game of Thrones airing this year, Colts QB Hodor will again be under center in the playoffs facing Houston QB Deshaun Watson, appearing for the first time in the postseason. 8:15pm (FOX): The Seahawks travel to JerryLand to face the Cowboys in this Week 3 rematch.

Sun 1:05pm (CBS): Our Baltimore Ravens face off against an unloved LA Chargers squadron in this Week 16 rematch. Look for the Ravens top-ranked defense to produce all kinds of faces from Chargers QB Philip Rivers. 4:40pm (NBC): Defending Champions Philadelphia Eagles are again playoff underdogs with QB Nick Foles under center against da Bears fearsome defense.