Sunday, December 30, 2018

i <heart> nfl: week 17

Welcome to the final week of the regular season! So far, congratulations to the Pats, Houstons, Chiefs, Chargers, Cowboys, Saints, Rams, and Seahawks on making the playoffs! The final seedings and teams will make it today. I'm currently on vacation in Puerto Rico, so all times are Atlantic Stantard Time.

2pm (AST): None of these games are worth watching save for the future impending First Amendment Supreme Court case regarding whether NYF Giants fans can inform their team that they 'fucking suck'.

5:25pm on the dot: Minnie Vikes are in with win over Bears, but instead the Eagles are in with Minnie loss and win over Skins. The Ravens are in on win against Browns. KC Reidskins get 1st in AFC with win over hapless Raiders. The Steelers are in with a win against Cincy Bagels, which will be tough with their receiving threats on the injured reserve, but also need a Browns victory, which is asking a lot.

SNF: Indy or Titans in on win, but if there's a tie, neither of them get in and the Steelers advance which would be such an AFC South thing to happen.

Sunday, December 9, 2018

i <heart> nfl: week 14

Welcome to December, where we can start speculating about which teams we'll see in the postseason (hint: not my Dirty Birds!). How is your team faring!?

TNF: In a staple of Thursday night football, the Tennessee Derrick Henrys embarrassed an  Jax Jags squadron the is not in The Good Place even after benching QB Blake Bortles.

Sun 1pm: My Dirty Birds are barely hanging onto their playoff hopes (nopes?) as they host a GB Pack  who has finally fired their head coach for ruining the team and former legend Brett Favre was tricked into recording an anti-Semitic video about not letting the small get you down. The QB situation of the Washington [Redacted] has gone from bad to Buttfumble Recovery to worse as they do other bad stuff, too, like signing players with domestic abuse arrests, selling a plush doll of their murdered star player, and having shitty fans in general, as they host a NYF Giants side where the star WR is fed up with the offense. Having shed the losingest coach in history, the Cleveland Browns then proceeded to trash him on the field of his new team, and are now on to host the Carolina Panthers in order to trash their playoff hopes.

4pm-ish: You'll be surprised that the 34-game parley needed to carry Jon Gruden's Raiders to the payoffs failed, while QB Derek Carr has followed his brother into Stat Hell, and they now host the Yinzburgh Steelers with QB Ben Roethlisberger crapping on his teammates for his poor performance.

SNF: In what should be a quite watchable matchup, da Bears are unlocking the real 2nd year QB Mitchy Trubes just as LA Rams QB Jared Goff is unleashing Halle Berry.

MNF: Will the Seattle Seahawks continue to dish out cheap shots against the Minnesota Vikings while these teams currently sit in the NFC Wildcard picture?