Sunday, October 25, 2015

i <heart> nfl: hudson

We're already in Week 7 and facing existential football questions such as what the definition of a catch is. After Devonta Freeman's TD was called back, we now have the same situation ruled a TD, by none other than noted touchdown-controversialist Golden Tate. In these trying times of confusion and murkiness, at least we have the bedrock of certitude that Mike Ditka farted on Monday Night Countdown.

I bring you the worst fake play in NFL history

TNF: Although the only speeding Seattle RB's Marshawn Lynch and Fred Jackson have been doing is off the field, they still managed to dispose of a Niners franchise that doesn't trust its QB.

SMF: The West Coast Experience begins at 9:30am with the Bills defense arguing with head coach Rex Ryan about how best to use them, as they take on the soon-to-be domiciled Jaguars in their future hometown of London, in a game so unimportant you can only watch it for free streaming on Yahoo. Tally-ho!

Sunday 1pm (Misconduct Tavern, Center City, Philly): The D'town Lions will be forced to play without the support of these superfans as they host division rival Minnesota Vikings. Since Titans rookie QB Marcus Mariota is out with a sprained MCL, Titans backup QB Zach Mettenberger is free to take selfies of himself being defeated by my Dirty Birds. Miami QB Ryan Tannehill can anticipate being beaten by the practice squad known as the Texas Houstons. Tampa Bay RB Doug Martin will attempt to transform from the Muscle Hamster into anything else, but preferably the Douggernaut, against the long con that is the DC Fightin' Snyders. With WR Josh Gordon suspended for substance abuse, what will the Cleveland Browns do about the burning grass in St. Louis? Perhaps now is the time to find out if Sonic is still open. Since J-E-S-T QB Ryan Fitzpatrick went to Harvard, he's probably too smart to fall for the fraud of Tom Brady's personal guru.

4pm-ish: Oakland Raiders owner Mark Davis may soon be shortening the commute required to get his horrible haircut as imminent cohabitor of LA, the San Diego Superchargers, host them at their vaguish 90's-sounding and imminently forgettable stadium. And the Double J and his Cowboys check into Snoopy Stadium against the NYF G-men and the many faces of Eli Manning. And that's it for this time slot. WTF, NFL!?

SNF: The well-rested Carolina Panthers will attempt to jam it back in against the Philadelphia Iggles and their deteriorating QB.

MNF: My beloved Ravens could recover from their disastrous 1-5 start by sleeping with WR Steve Smith's wife, as they take on the Zony Cards.

Sunday, October 18, 2015

i <heart> nfl: pelham

This week's forecast will be slightly abbreviated, due to my parents visiting me from out of town. Well then they all may get a bit more abbreviated given that the NFL has recently gone after Deadspin and SB Nation over their animated GIF content, which is the only reason people read about sports anyway.

NFL Scientists bring you... the Assdown!
Gary Barnidge Makes Incredible Catch

TNF: Good thing there's no time to talk about this games between my Dirty Birds and the Nawlins Aints.

Sunday 1pm: The Buffalo Bills continue to feature the drunkest and horniest and craziest fans as they go up against the undefeated Cincy Bagels. Johnny Fucking Football's arguing skills are probably no match for Peyton Manning's sick dad burns.

4pm-ish: The Texas Houstons hope to concuss the future London Jags into blocking for them. The Zony Cards should report uniform violations against the Iron Headed Yinzburgh StillersWill San Diego Superchargers QB Philip Rivers get pumped enough to punch out the GB Packers? My beloved Ravens look for their second victory at the Field of Jeans.

SNF: Deflategate, the Re-vengeance features a rematch of the AFC Championship consisting of AFC Finalists Indy against Super Bowl champion NE Pats. 

MNF: While the NYF G-men have a foot up in the division, the Iggles could step into a tie for first place in the incredibly parity of the NFC East.

Sunday, October 11, 2015

i <heart> nfl: eastchester

Well last week's discussion of Miami's coach in the hot seat and the awfulness of daily fantasy really shined this week. After their London loss to the J-E-T-S, the Fins promptly fired head coach Joe Philbin and DC Kevin Coyle, but many think the dysfunction will continue. It also emerged that a DraftKings employee made $350k on rival site FanDuel, possible using insider information. My very own NY attorney general is looking into this and the lawsuits are just beginning! On the good side of things, the NFL went an entire month without an arrest, though this news will be overshadowed by the return of the woman-beating Greg Hardy to the field today.

Not even three pumps!

TNF: Although QB Andrew Luck's shoulder is separated, Indy has not been separated from victory as Texas Houstons QB Ryan Mallett was too busy making his grandmothers cry

Sunday 1pm (PJ Leahy's, LIC): My Bodymore Raven's WR Steve Smith preemptive burning down of JFF's family home in anticipation of their matchup against the Browns is a good reason for sitting out. After kicking their way to defeat last week, the KC Reidskins look to rebound against da hapless Bears, although Chicago QB smokin' Jay Cutler returned to hang up their first W last week. The DC Fighting Snyders travel to the Georgia Dome to battle my Dirty Birds and their former assistant coaches. Perhaps this week the Seattle Seahawks can pull out a win against the Cincy Bengals with an illegal cat. Philadelphia head coach Chip Kelly is occupying two hot seats as the Iggles host the Nawlins Aints.

4pm-ish: After completing his 4-game suspension for domestic abuse, defensive end, girlfriend beater, gun aficionado, rap video producer, and "garbage human" Greg Hardy returns to Jerryland "guns blazing" against the NE Pats, just in time for Pinktober. Can the Denver Broncos stay undefeated as they travel to the wasteland of Coliseum?

SNF: Niners QB CKaep checks into Snoopy Stadium to air his struggles to the nation as he shows the NYF Giants that he's no Russell Wilson. Many fans are calling for his job until they realize their backup QB is Blaine Gabbert.

MNF: The Yinzburgh Stillers will showcase their shiny new kicker to the San Diego Superchargers, who are soon bolting to LA.

Sunday, October 4, 2015

i <heart> nfl: woodlawn

Many an NFL observer has noticed the preponderance of ads this season for daily fantasy football leagues DraftKings and FanDuel, of which Drew Magary has a nice takedown. Unlike the season-long fantasy football you play to keep in touch with high school friends or talk shit to your boss [Full disclosure: I am playing my boss this week... and he is going down!] while putting some money on the line, daily fantasy football involves drafting a new team every week while playing in pools with thousands of strangers. The players you draft are also open to other teams, so just because you have Julio Jones, you are also playing against him in most of your leagues. In fact, you pretty much have to build predictive market algorithms to win a decent number of these contests. So recognize this for what it is, another attempt to separate suckers from their money, while the companies running these sites are already raking in twice that of Vegas bookmakers. Oh, and FanDuel stole the likeness of former Georgia Tech players.

You're going the wrong way!!!

TNF: Like fucking clockwork, as soon as the Steelers are commended for being the smartest team in football, they go 0 for 4 on 4th downs, resulting in an overtime loss to my beloved Ravens that surely had something to do with not having a kicker.

SMF: Tally ho! We're halfway through the NFL's plan to put a franchise in London, which means East Coast fans get the West Coast experience of drinking at 9:30am. The J-E-T-S QB and bum ass Geno Smith, rightfully the team most concerned with butts, look to roll over the MIA Fins, who will then promptly fire their coach. FUN FACT: a coach playing in a London game has been fired in four of the last five seasons 

Sunday 1pm (PJ Leahy's, LIC): Panthers QB Cam Newton will mature against the hapless TB Bucs, but how old does he need to be to get that call. After finally throwing a touchdown to a receiver, the KC Chiefs are hosted by the dominant Cincy Bagels and their secondary consisting of trash and fuckboys. Historically finishing every possession with a punt last week, da Bears might want to try something different against the surprisingly winful Oakland Juggalos. Matty Ice and my Dirty Birds host the Texas Houstons and whoever the fuck they start at QB. The DC Fightin' Snyders look to slow down the fast-paced Chip Kelly Iggles offense with their terrible turf. And the Colts might be feeling un-Luck-y as QB Andrew Luck might sit his first game ever, but then again, they're Luck-y enough to be playing the Jaguars this week. 

4pm-ish: The offense can't figure out whether they want Johnny Fucking Football back under center or not, as they travel to sunny San Diego to face the Superchargers. Much was made of Niners coach and doormat salesman Jim Tomsula taking happy hour a little early, but really who cares cause they're gonna lose to the Pack.

SNF: I was looking forward to backup QBs starting against each other in prime time, but it looks like the Aints will be the asses they are and start Drew Brees, as the Romo-less Cowboys check into the Hotel Katrina.

MNF: Yes, we need the matchup with the highest spread as the Monday Night Game, pitting the D'town Lions against the Seattle Seahawks, in a game that should banish the Lions from prime time for good.