Sunday, November 30, 2014

i <heart> nfl: dan marino

Football fans can be thankful that not every game results in the same kind of one-sided play we saw on Thanksgiving. The roars of the D'town Lions proved too much for hungover Bears QB Jay Cutler. The Sanchize redeemed himself on the two-year anniversary of The Buttfumble by leading the Iggles to victory over the Dallas 'Boys, setting them up perfectly for the traditional December collapse. And while not even playing for the division lead, the Seattle Seahawks constricted the SF Niners' offense like a pair of hipster jeans.

For posterity, ODB with the best catch of the season, if not history:
Odell Beckham Jr. Makes Circus Catch Of The Year For A Touchdown

Sun 1pm (cleaning the ol' apt): My beloved Ravens look to pull the plug on the San Diego Superchargers in a solid matchup as both teams need the win to stay afloat in their competitive divisions. Meetings of industrial rustbelts Cleveland and Buffalo are mostly derided and quickly disregarded, especially this late in the season, but these teams are both surprisingly still in contention this season, so look for one of them to screw themselves hilariously or sadly, depending on your point of view. Can the Tennessee Titans, whose existence is still disputed, rally behind the selfielessness of QB Zach Mettenberg as he battles his addiction with social media against the JJ Watts? The RG3 era is over in Washington, as the Dan Snyder Gargling Hot Balls are hosted by Indy.

4pm-ish (PJ Leahy's, LIC, perhaps?): My Dirty Birds need to continue to suck just as badly as the rest of the NFC South if they wanna stay on top as they host the Zony Cards. Aaron Rodgers and Tom Brady should bring a lot of offensive production to the late afternoon slate.

SNF: The Denver Broncos may want to bring their own Papa Johns to the game, as Arrowhead Stadium's concessions are reportedly disgusting. You know what's also disgusting? Losing to the Raiders.  

MNF: The Miami Dolphins swim into Snoopy Stadium to observe how much 'fun' can the NY J-E-T-S put in 'dysfunction.'

Sunday, November 23, 2014

i <heart> nfl: aaron rodgers

The first Raiders win of the season completes the Circle of Parity, in which every team has transitively beaten themselves. In an exemplary demonstration of the season thus far, the KC Chiefs, fresh off a victory against the Super Bowl defending Seahawks, go and lose one to the winless Oakland Raiders. 

TNF: The Oakland Raiders blew their one year anniversary of losing by winning.

Sun 1pm (PJ Leahy's, LIC): Now that the NFL has legalized Josh Gordon, will my Dirty Birds still be able to ride dirty against the recently hapless Cleveland Browns? The Bagels get hosted by the Texas Houstons and their Harvard-graduate QB Ryan Fitzpatrick, who has failed upwards into a gig as Vice President of Sideline Communications. Chicago continues to fail at everything sports-related, but the could get a leg up against TB Bucs. The Iggles get their second BYE of the season, because for some reason the AFC South only has 3 teams. 

4pm-ish: RG3 is apologizing in advance for his teammates' loss to the Santa Clara 110001ers. My brother is yelling at me to get out of the apartment.

Sunday, November 16, 2014

i <heart> nfl: larry fitzgerald

Well the one-sided primetime matchups don't get much worse than last week, which saw blowouts in all three of TNF, SNF and MNF, but it did feature the best penalty ever. If everything goes as planned, the teams I root for could both end up in 1st place in their respective divisions this week (!?).

For all those Euros that don't like our sport named "football"

TNF: The Miami Fins have taken a solid hold of 2nd place in the AFC East with their win over the Buffalo Bills. Bills fans continue to excel at being drunk.

Sun 1pm (couch!): Da Bears are so sad that Chicago sportswriters can't bring themselves to write headlines describing them, and they will be cold as well, as they're hosting the University of Minnesota in the first snow football of the season! The Who Dat!-Who Dey! Bowl takes place in a meeting of Bagels and Aints, teams both featuring idiotic fan bases. Noted Dirty Bird fan hosts his favorite team, in what looks like the making of a Play 60 commercial. In a metaphor for their season, the Washington Fredskins' team buses crashed into each other, and they face another wreck in the form of the Tampa Bay Bucs. The Seattle Seahawks, like the beer their stadium sells, have been watered down as they face the streaking KC Reidskins.

4pm-ish (Misconduct Tavern, Center City, Philly?): Can the Iggles steamroll the offensive force of the Packers, as Aaron Rodgers was injured by inactivity by last week's blowout of da Bears? The Sanchize Era is here in Philadelphia! Surprisingly competent teams face off in the desert as the Zony Cards host the D'town Lions. And the San Diego forecast calls for sun and a 90% chance of stabbings as they host the Oakland Raiders.
SNF: The Patriots can thank their racist fans in prime time as they are hosted by the Indy Fighting Amish.
MNF: Former dreamy QB Kurt Warner has been trying to disprove the Theory of Evolution by citing Ben Roethlisberger, whose devolution against the J-E-T-S last week was widely blamed by the enigmatic Curse of the Beiber. Such mysticism and half-truths are quite fitting this week, as the Yinzburgh Stillers travel to the remote backwoods of southern Kentucky to face the mythical Tennessee Titans.

Sunday, November 9, 2014

i <heart> nfl: eli manning

There's gotta be some NFL sponsorship deal with Instagram, which has been in the NFL news quite a bit this week, or maybe it's just the universe's way of trolling JJ Watt. A former Ravens cheerleader has been indicted for raping a 15-year-old she met on the social media platform. It's nice that the Ravens have achieved gender parity in their quest to ruin football, and perhaps NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell will try a bit harder to find videotape of this particular offense. But I was reminded again that, while the Ravens efforts have only been during the current season (and I guess that time when they had 2 Lewis's also), the Yinzburgh Stillers have been working at this for some time. In addition to their prominence in last year's Frontline exposé "League of Denial: the NFL's Concussion Crisis," a recent Vice Sports article on the making of the 1997 video game NFL Blitz, with all its extravagant after-the-play pro wrestling-esque violence, was marketed by former Stillers QB Kordell Stewart. Watch that and consider whether it'd see the light of day in 2014. I suppose you could get away with that in the 90's, a simpler time: 'Merica had just won the Cold War, Slick Willy was in the Oval Office, and no one outside the medical profession knew what CTE's or ACL tears were. 

You barely have to get off your ass to score on the Jets secondary

TNF: The Battle for Ohio was supposed to be a watchable game this year, with both the Browns and Bagels in possession of winning records (!). But no, the game turned out to be sadder than a kid with cancer watching her Dad's team get humiliated in his first NFL start by the Factory of Sadness, as Bagels QB Andy Dalton posted a historically horrific passing game.

Sun 1pm (Couch, unless you've got something better): My beloved Ravens host the ghosts of the former Houston Oilers, the Tennessee Titans and their new not-so-handsome yet quite maniacal QB Zach Mettenberger. Emphasizing the 'gram' in 'Instagram,' my Dirty Birds are riding dirty against the calculator-fonted TB Bucs. After last week's Taintfumble, can C-Kaep and his Niners check into the Hotel Katrina and defeat the NO Aints? Tony Romo has been airlifted onto America's largest aircraft carrier, Great Britain, to make sure the #CowboySUK on a different continent, although they are facing the future London franchise Jaguars. Andy Reid may be disappointed that Buffalo is not on the menu, especially when he gets the Bill. Ben Roethlisberger and the Stillers will fit right into my fair city, given the prevalence of street harassment and objectification. #YesAllJetsFans. It's so sad that even other planes are turning against the Jets. And the early slot tiff that actually features two competitive teams, the D'town Lions host the Miami Fins.

4pm-ish: Will the Denver Broncos be prepared for the considerable challenge of playing against the Oakland Raiders? Overshadowed by the mountain of suck that is the NY J-E-T-S, the NY Football Giants could quietly slip into last place in the NFC East with a loss to the world champion Seahawks, especially given the slowness with which Old Man Coughlin fishes the challenge flag out of his sock. With the talk starting about the possibility of the Zony Cards as the first team to host their own Super Bowl, look for them to get upset by the upsetting StL Rams in likely the most competitive late afternoon matchup.

SNF (former roommate and current Queens cohabitor Matt will be joining me in LIC, probably PJ Leahy's... JOIN US): Even though da Bears are diversifying their losing portfolio to include away games as well as home ones, they can nary afford another loss against Green Bay if the wish to stay in contention. But they probably DOOOOONNN'T CAAAAAAAAAAARRREE.

MNF: The Panthers have looked quite spayed this season and they face a frisky Chip Kelly offense at home in the Iggles, so expect this game to quickly become unwatchable.

Sunday, November 2, 2014

i <heart> nfl: drew brees

Well we're halfway through the season, and the only team that looks remotely dominant in any way is the Denver Broncos, which means they'll probably lose today. Many teams have shown combinations of brilliance and buffoonery this season, and coupled with the normal slate of injuries (and the unusual ones!), most teams are still capable of reaching the playoffs. I guess we'll have to watch and see! 

TNF: At 4-4, the NO Aints now sit atop the steaming pile that is the NFC South with their victory over the Black Panthers. Hey, at least my Dirty Birds are only two games out!

Sun 1pm EST (Cavanaugh's Rittenhouse, Center City, Philly): With the conclusion of Daylight Saving Time, we get to endure another hour of wondering whether or not Tony Romo will start against the Zony Cards. After last week's back-breaking injury, in which Cowboys owner/GM/team doctor the Double J personally put Romo back into the game for their decisive last-minute loss, keep posted on more ludicrous antics in Jerryland. Philadelphia will attempt to fly, Iggles, fly against a stout Texas Houstons defense led by JJ Watt and/or Jesus Christ. Although being haunted by dog ghosts would have made for good Halloween weekend fun as Vick is the starting QB this week, the NY Just-Endure-The-Suffering look to lose instead through the classic combination of incompetence and hilarity, even with Percy Harvin fighting tooth and nail every huddle, as they are entertained by the KC Reidskins. The Vikings look to hobble the DC Fightin' Snyders by ordering pizza to the sideline. Fresh off their victory in the Sadness Bowl, the Browns host Tampa Bay in the featured meeting of the elite rivals: Glennon-Hoyer Bowl I is upon us!

Sun 4pm-ish: Bill Belichick now knows how to dress for success as picking the appropriate hoodie for today's matchup is key to defeating the Superbowl-losing Broncos.

SNF: Tonight's game is brought to you by pain, hatred, and horrible fan art, as a resurgent Yinzburg Stillers host my beloved Ravens for control of the sometimes competent AFC North.

MNF: After getting blown out last week, Indy will like visit the same fate upon the NYF Giants.