Sunday, November 9, 2014

i <heart> nfl: eli manning

There's gotta be some NFL sponsorship deal with Instagram, which has been in the NFL news quite a bit this week, or maybe it's just the universe's way of trolling JJ Watt. A former Ravens cheerleader has been indicted for raping a 15-year-old she met on the social media platform. It's nice that the Ravens have achieved gender parity in their quest to ruin football, and perhaps NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell will try a bit harder to find videotape of this particular offense. But I was reminded again that, while the Ravens efforts have only been during the current season (and I guess that time when they had 2 Lewis's also), the Yinzburgh Stillers have been working at this for some time. In addition to their prominence in last year's Frontline expos√© "League of Denial: the NFL's Concussion Crisis," a recent Vice Sports article on the making of the 1997 video game NFL Blitz, with all its extravagant after-the-play pro wrestling-esque violence, was marketed by former Stillers QB Kordell Stewart. Watch that and consider whether it'd see the light of day in 2014. I suppose you could get away with that in the 90's, a simpler time: 'Merica had just won the Cold War, Slick Willy was in the Oval Office, and no one outside the medical profession knew what CTE's or ACL tears were. 

You barely have to get off your ass to score on the Jets secondary

TNF: The Battle for Ohio was supposed to be a watchable game this year, with both the Browns and Bagels in possession of winning records (!). But no, the game turned out to be sadder than a kid with cancer watching her Dad's team get humiliated in his first NFL start by the Factory of Sadness, as Bagels QB Andy Dalton posted a historically horrific passing game.

Sun 1pm (Couch, unless you've got something better): My beloved Ravens host the ghosts of the former Houston Oilers, the Tennessee Titans and their new not-so-handsome yet quite maniacal QB Zach Mettenberger. Emphasizing the 'gram' in 'Instagram,' my Dirty Birds are riding dirty against the calculator-fonted TB Bucs. After last week's Taintfumble, can C-Kaep and his Niners check into the Hotel Katrina and defeat the NO Aints? Tony Romo has been airlifted onto America's largest aircraft carrier, Great Britain, to make sure the #CowboySUK on a different continent, although they are facing the future London franchise Jaguars. Andy Reid may be disappointed that Buffalo is not on the menu, especially when he gets the Bill. Ben Roethlisberger and the Stillers will fit right into my fair city, given the prevalence of street harassment and objectification. #YesAllJetsFans. It's so sad that even other planes are turning against the Jets. And the early slot tiff that actually features two competitive teams, the D'town Lions host the Miami Fins.

4pm-ish: Will the Denver Broncos be prepared for the considerable challenge of playing against the Oakland Raiders? Overshadowed by the mountain of suck that is the NY J-E-T-S, the NY Football Giants could quietly slip into last place in the NFC East with a loss to the world champion Seahawks, especially given the slowness with which Old Man Coughlin fishes the challenge flag out of his sock. With the talk starting about the possibility of the Zony Cards as the first team to host their own Super Bowl, look for them to get upset by the upsetting StL Rams in likely the most competitive late afternoon matchup.

SNF (former roommate and current Queens cohabitor Matt will be joining me in LIC, probably PJ Leahy's... JOIN US): Even though da Bears are diversifying their losing portfolio to include away games as well as home ones, they can nary afford another loss against Green Bay if the wish to stay in contention. But they probably DOOOOONNN'T CAAAAAAAAAAARRREE.

MNF: The Panthers have looked quite spayed this season and they face a frisky Chip Kelly offense at home in the Iggles, so expect this game to quickly become unwatchable.

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