Sunday, November 29, 2015

i <heart> nfl: euclid

Even without the scab refs, this season has been marked by especially lousy officiating. The complexity of the rules, for example the definition of a catch, can be quite complicated and different from college rules. The rulebook is a complex entity, written by lawyers, that, at best allows us to argue with our friends between plays. I hope we see some simplification in the offseason. In other news, I bet the history of Thanksgiving football goes way further than you thought it did.

Time for an afternoon constitutional

ThxDF: Chip Kelly's bullshit methods allowed another 45 points against an Eagles defense that's thrown in the towel as the D'town Lions continue their recent dominance of Thanksgiving Day. The undefeated Panthers move to 11-1 against the again Romo-less Cowboys. And da Bears hold on against Brett Favre's favorite team in a battle between QBs equally adept at tossing the official tablet of the NFL.

Sun 1pm (Somewhere around Boerum Hill, Brooklyn): Everyone is biased against Dan Snyder's fashion sense as the Washington Milf Weed host the NYF Giants. Tennessee hosts the Oakland Raiders in another difficult road game for the Titans. What can we learn from the xxx-xx result as my Dirty Birds place agains the Minnie Vikes, in this battle of NFC wildcard contenders? After firing Defensive Coordinator/Metallic Roadie Rob Ryan for causing Hurricane Katrina, the Nawlins Aints seek refuge in the Houston's NRG Stadium. Bills HC Rex Ryan should realize his headset will start working again this week, when his opponent is the KC Reidskins instead of the NE Pats. Indy is very Luck-y that Matt Hasselbeck is proving such a valuable backup QB, as they take on the TB Bucs and QB Jameis Winston, who is very Luck-y that he is one of forty former Florida State football players that received special treatment with their sexual assault/domestic violence investigations.

4pm-ish: Beast Mode is disabled in this rematch of the hideous Super Bowl XL between the Seattle Seahawks and Yinzburgh Stillers. Will anyone show up for this snoozefest as the Niners host the Zony Cards at the Field of Jeans?

SNF: The 'Omaha' v 'Rex Ryan' Bowl! NE Pats HC Bill Belichick ate PB&J's for Thanksgiving so he'd have time to prepare for backup QB Brock Osweiler since Peyton Manning is faking an injury, as the Denver Broncos Ponder other options at quarterback.

MNF: In by far the worst prime time game of the season, my broken Bodymore Ravens travel to the Factory of Sadness to face a Cleveland Browns team that's benched QB Johnny Fucking Bubbles.

Sunday, November 22, 2015

i <heart> nfl: brighton

In case of any pauses in the action this week, here are a couple think-pieces for you to contemplate. This season's complete history of what constitutes a catch, and how is it that so many Samoans find their was into the NFL? Enjoy the action this week!

Excessive Celebration \ik-ˈse-siv ,se-lə-ˈbrā-shən\ (noun):

TNF: This typically forgettable match between 2-7 and 3-6 teams surprisingly had playoff implications, given that it was between the rival Titans and Jaguars in the woeful AFC South.

Sun 1pm (PJ Leahy's, LIC, NYC): The undefeated 8-1 Carolina Panthers and QB/poor example Cam Newton host the Washington Dick Balls, and you like that they can't get a trademark on it. Hopefully the bye week gave my Dirty Birds HC Dan Quinn time to bone up on his sums and learn to call plays that increase the Falcons' win probability, while OC Kyle Shanahan pushes the tempo on offense, against an un-Luck-y and fractured Colts franchise featuring not even Jason Campbell at QB. The MIA Fins are the saftiest team in football as they welcome QB Tony Romo's return to the Dallas Cowboys. After losing a game due to an officiating error instead of their own shittiness, my beloved WWE Ravens entertain the Seattle Seahawks' little brothersThe stoic D'town Lions host the Oakland JaggalosAfter surpassing the Deer Hunter for all-time passing yards, Denver Broncos QB Peyton Manning threw four interceptions for a QB rating of 0.0 in the worst game of his life, and was benched for former backup QB/likely current weatherman Brock Osweiler, who will start against da Bears, whose field is as drunk as their fans, yet somehow possess a gameplan that makes senseTB Bucs QB Jameis Winston is hoping you're watching the action this Sunday, instead of this documentary premiering on CNN highlighting his alleged campus raping while they battle the Sanchized Philadelphia Iggles and HC Chip Kelly's four minor offensive changes.

4pm-ish: GB Packers QB Aaron Rodgers will play with a sore Olivia Munn against the surging Minnie Vikes. The rival Santa Clara Niners and Seattle Seahawks, recently dominating the NFC West, battle for the cellar spot in the division.

SNF: The now-defeated Cincy Bagels led by QB Red Ryder face the Zony Cards' crotch-chopping QB Carson Palmer and his buddies Pup, Phil, and Sugar Cane.

MNF: The NE Pats, along with a fancy dog and Bobby Flay's sister's boyfriend, look to roll over a Bills squadron whose fans are more concerned with defeating furniture.

Sunday, November 15, 2015

i <heart> nfl: inwood

By now you are certainly familiar with the Islamic State's terrorist attack in Paris. Striking a soccer game between the mens' national teams of France and Germany and a concert headlining the American (not metal) band The Eagles of Death Metal, hundreds of sport and music fans in the city were killed or injured. The hearts of us at 'i <heart> nfl' go out to the victims of this atrocity and their friends and family, and hope that, while you take in the action this weekend, yours does as well. 

No better segue from horrific sadness to meaningless shit-talking than this TD celebration

TNF: In a game that was more painful to watch than your standard J-E-T-S/Bills fare, Bills coach Rex Ryan celebrated his upset of the team that dumped him.

Sun 1pm (Kraftwork, Fishtown, Philly): The Tennessee Flaming Thumbtacks need to be both good and lucky against the Carolina Panthers, who had the audacity to honor the troops without using your tax dollars. My beloved Ravens host the Jacksonville DiarrheaThe StL Rams welcome da Bears to their city by removing their Wall of Death, but will the best Chicago QB in history care? Fans of the Dallas Cowboys are innocent until proven guilty of booing the wrong player as they take on the equally sullied TB Bucs. You'd think people in Detroit would be used to losing their jobs, but apparently Lions HC Jim Caldwell's dim prospects keep him there against the GB Packers and their destruction of the Official Tablet of the NFLJohnny Fucking Football will start while others wish to join the Cleveland Browns' battle against the possibly Big Ben-less Yinzburgh Stillers. You like that titty-twisted Washington Hot Octopuss will be Slutseeking a victory against the Nawlins Aints.

4pm-ish: Tom Brady liked Ndamunkong Suh stomping on his balls so much, he ran the NYC Marathon afterwards, so any sickness he might experience won't hurt the NE Pats' chances against the NYF Giants, albeit amidst arsonists attending and an ambidextrous ODB.

SNF: After getting revenge on Jimmy Fallon, feeding the homeless, and funding a kid's sneaker collection, the Seattle Seahawks are woefully unprepared for this matchup against current division rival Zony Cards.

MNF: The past two weeks of surprisingly close games comes to an end as the undefeated Cincy Bagels host the decrepit Texas Houstons.

Sunday, November 8, 2015

i <heart> nfl: franklin

I was so ready to enjoy a cup of coffee while neglecting the 9:30am game in London this morning, but there wasn't one! The NFL will exploiting that level of acclamation by scheduling more regular-season games in London next year. In other NFL news that makes me sad: Dallas DE Greg Hardy's off-the-field handiwork was on display week as pictures of his beaten ex-girlfriend emerged, yet support from Cowboys owner and noted serial-groper The Double J remains unwavering. It turns out your tax dollars were funding all those patriotic game-time displays. And we learn that ATL rap duo OutKast could have been the Super Bowl halftime performers. Sadness, indeed!

Ahhhh the majestic stiff arm

TNF: The Battle for Ohio and the Color Orange resulted in the Cincy Bagles exploiting the holes in the Cleveland defense.

Sun 1pm: Jar Jar Binks is clearly behind the NE Pats' dumb luck as they face the Washington Red Skinflutes, who are rather concerned with finding names more offensive than their own. YOU LIKE THAT!? The MIA Fins won't be bullied by Buffalo coach Rex Ryan and their loser fans. Can the Carolina Panthers pound their way to an undefeated 7-1 record as they host the GB Packers?

4pm-ish (PJ Leahy's, LIC): Yo Gabbert Gabbert! After losing faith in C-Kaep, the Silicon Valley 110001ers are substituting QB Blaine Gabbert under center as they host my Dirty Birds. Correction: THIS week the NYF Giants get a hand on defense against the TB Bucs. And another battle between differing Peyton Manning jerseys takes place.

SNF: The mother Eagle fed the city of Philadelphia its own citizens as they make the flight to Jerryland to face the Dallas Cowboys led by QB Stone Cold Steve Austin.

MNF: This week's snoozefest features King Laserface against the unlikable smoking version of Andrew Luck.

Sunday, November 1, 2015

i <heart> nfl: grand

Nothing major in NFL news this week, so how about a roundup of a few stories: Pierre Garcon demonstrates that a BYE week is the perfect time to bring a class action lawsuit against daily fantasy football. The Cowboys are setting themselves up for a blowup by encouraging the violent behavior of woman-batterer Greg Hardy. The NFL continues to fine players for honoring their deceased mothers in non-NFL-approved ways. And now we all know that Jeb Bush's fantasy football team is undefeated.

For some reason the Browns seem overrepresented in these GIFs

TNF: The Gronk spiked everything as the NE Pats rolled over the recently-surging MIA Fins.

SMF: The NFL is getting us acclimated to casually checking in on the Sunday morning game by presenting the D'town Lions new offensive coordinator against the KC Reidskins. 

Sun 1pm (PJ Leahy's, LIC): My Dirty Birds look to exploit that half the Tampa Bay receiving core is out with injuries. The NYF Giants will get a hand with defense this week as they check into the Hotel Katrina against the Nawlins Aints. The doomed Bears host the Minnie Vikes along with star RB Adrian Peterson, who enjoys setting off his life-threatening allergies Perhaps the officiating will be better after my haunted Bodymore Ravens gave them a two-star Yelp review, as they host the also-shitty future LA Superchargers. The Texas Houstons will attempt to drop the Mallett on the Flaming ThumbtacksThe Niners shitty turf won't stop the StL Rams from kicking themselves to victory, as Niners players are physically fighting over their QB. And after the Zony Cards bury the Cleveland Browns, how will that particular loss rank?

4pm-ish: The J-E-T-S will attempt to establish ground communication against the Raiders, whose fans applaud the owner for removing them from OaklandFollowing three straight outcomes, the Seattle Seahawks travel to Jerryland to face the delusional Cowboys.

SNF: Two teams enter, one team leaves undefeated, as the Broncos host the Packers. Unless there's a tie, of course.

MNF: Straight out of THE University, the Carolina Panthers take on Indy Colts, whose fans aren't liking their Luck this season.