Thursday, January 19, 2017

i <heart> nfl: championship weekend!

This football update comes early by virtue of the Unforced Error being installed as our Commander in Chief tomorrow combined with more mundane things like preparing for an important experiment. And then I'll be attending the Women's March on NYC on Sat as well, so it's important I get this posted before anything goes down. If you're feeling glum, you may want to put things in perspective by reading about how bad (the formerly San Diego) Chargers fans have it.

Sun 3:05pm FOX (PJ Leahy's, LIC, NYC): The GB Packers are forced to play in the final football game in the Georgia Dome, which is in Rep. Jon Lewis' congressional district, which is in horrible shape and falling apart (not to mention crime infested), in order to square off with my Dirty Birds. ATL's ground game coupled with their overlooked defense might make it difficult for GB QB Aaron Rodgers to play backyard ball while his parents are actively cheering for ATL QB Matt Ryan. Rappers are already vigorously supporting ATL if they're not confused about it.

6:40pm CBS: After kicking it in the divisional round last week, the Yinzburgh Stillers travel to Gillette Stadium in Massachusetts, the only place NFL Commissioner Roger 'The Ginger Hammer' Goodell fears to tread. Yinzburgh star WR Antonio Brown let it be known, via InstaChat, that the Stillers spotted those assholes [the Patriots] a day and a half, but will be ready for their ass, while the Patriots are confident that all the locker room footage they have of other teams would never end up on social media. The Patriots are also facing a backlash in their liberal home state because of their close association with the President-elect, so I wouldn't rule out an errant tweet or two.

Saturday, January 14, 2017

i <heart> nfl: divisional weekend!

Welcome to Rematch Weekend! That's right, each of these four games is a repeat contest from earlier in the season, with yours truly especially rooting for a reversal of prior fortunes. In the interest of public safety, the Steelters-Chiefs game has been pushed to the evening due to an ice storm in Kansas City. In other football news, the Superchargers officially moved to LA, the Raiders have filed relocation papers to move to Las Vegas, and Bo knows he wouldn't play football if he knew what he knows now. Onto the games!

Sat 4:35pm FOX (Barrow St Ale House, W Village, NYC): Even my Dirty Birds' ball boys are winning championships, as they host a Seattle Seahawks squadron that is trying to figure out what the hell they are, with only two original members of the Legion of Boom and an offensive line that's a liability against QB/fullback Russell Wilson. Seattle will certainly benefit from a late-game non-call while the City of Atlanta has already stolen their colors. 8:15pm CBS: Even though the NE Pats are going through the latest scandal of enjoying themselves on a boat, they won't need to cheat against a Texas Houstons franchise that hasn't figured out how to beat them. Pats TE Martellus Bennet in particular is looking forward to getting laid this evening while QB Tom Brady has had plenty of comfortable sleep, giving him the time to dream up ways to counter the Houstons' damn good defense.

Sun 4:40pm FOX (PJ Leahy's, LIC, NYC): After sinking the NYFG-men last week, GB Packers QB and King of the Hail Mary Aaron Rodgers and their offense look to light up the grass against the dominant Dallas Cowboys, whose star rookie RB Ezekiel Elliot recently received a good omen in the form of a car wreck. Fellow rookie QB Dak Prescott and star wideout Dez Bryant are the keys to keeping Green Bay's offense off the field. 8:20pm NBC: After executing the Dolphins QB last week, the Yinzburgh Stillers hope to hold back the productive KC Reidskins offense and force some classic Andy Reid clock management errors. The KC defense is not sure about which Ben Roethlisberger to prepare for, but I'd bet on the one with the needlessly hurt ankle.

Saturday, January 7, 2017

i <heart> nfl: wildcard weekend!

Welcome to the playoffs that will culminate in Super Bowl LI!!! Congratulations to the Packers and Lions for joining the the postseason, although that had a lot more to do with the Washington [Redacted]'s loss than the game they actually played. Before anyone gets too cocky, here's the fatal flaw in each of your favorite teams. Onwards to the games!

Sat 4:35pm ABC (Campeon, Union Square, NYC): In his first pro start in the NFL and the postseason, Oakland Raiders 3rd-string rookie QB Connor Cook will start against big cash money former backup Texas Houstons QB Brock Osweiler, who is everything you want in a quarterback until he steps on the field, in the Meineke Car Care Bowl! Cook's MSU scouting report indicates the kind of leadership at the position that will at least bring us a lot of Marquette King action8:15pm NBC: While I'm quite certain that 2 pumps ends up being more expensive than 3 in the long run, the Seattle Seahawks host a D'town Lions team hoping to give Seattle the bird.

Sun 1:05pm CBS (Brazen Fox, Union Square, NYC): MIA Fins backup QB Matt Moore has an uphill battle against an inconsistent Yinzburgh Stillers squadron even if they spot them the W and I4:40pm FOX: Human civilization has reached peak Aaron Rodgers, as the QB successfully willed the Packers into the playoffs where they will face a stout NYF Giants defense that's been preparing for him with the aid of Madden. On the other side of the ball, QB Eli Manning is doing his part to metamorphosize from regular Eli into Playoff Eli while the receiving core is on a boat yet lacking the preparatory skills needed to bring their flippy-floppies.