Sunday, November 27, 2016

i <heart> nfl: men against fire

Happy Thanksgiving to you all! For the curious, here's the history of why the Detroit Lions and Dallas Cowboys became national football viewing on Thanksgiving Day. Your Thanksgiving turkey wasn't the only prominent bird this week, with both Cincy LB Vontaze Burfict and Seattle WR Doug Baldwin fined for flipping it this past weekend. In commemoration of the first MNF in Mexico, local artists have re-done all 32 teams' helmetsAnd by pushing the point-after-touchdown from the 2 to the 15-yard line, we witnessed a record 12 missed extra points last week.

ThxDF: The Vikings killed the sound guy, then everyone else died of natural causes during Aretha Franklin's beautiful rendition of the nation anthem, finally ending in a fourth-quarter comeback and controversial interception by the vengeful Lions over the tricky Vikings. How do you like the DC Fighting Snyders now that they started unloading the clip, but then pulled out, as the Dallas Cowboys disposed of them properly before a national Thanksgiving audience. Good Luck to the Colts chances of making the playoffs after being decimated by the Yinzburgh Stillers, who were merciful enough not to flying-kick their punter into oblivion.

Sun 1pm: My beloved Ravens don't give a fuck about the season of woes experienced by the Cincy Bagels, as they look to pick them apart. While achieving win-to-footception parity and forcing their first turnover since Week 4, the Jacksonville Jaguars are tired of losing to the dildo-tossing Bills. Let's give thanks that both Zony Cards HC Bruce Arians and former Dirty Bird WR Roddy White are alive this Thanksgiving. The Tennessee Titans are resorting to napping to prevent themselves from jumping offsides, as they travel to a Chicago Bears team that is having trouble quitting smoking Jay Cutler.

4pm-ish: The NE Pats will start a speedier Tom Brady as they visit the N-Y-J-E-T-S to celebrate the fourth anniversary of the Buttfumble together. The world's been going to shit since God is too busy helping wide receiver Russell Wilson and the Seattle Seahawks recover from early-season stumbles, and now Seattle will face the too-hot-to-handle TB Bucs.

SNF: The Denver Broncos will exhibit laser focus on the very real problems with the KC Reidskins, as they hope to acquire another Peyton Manning to carry them far in the postseason. 

MNF: The underrated Philly Iggles tire of their own running backs and the badness of the GB Packers.

Sunday, November 20, 2016

i <heart> nfl: san junipero

Another week, another report on the health of NFL players that will be ignored. While the Carolina Panthers have been the face of the NFL's concussion struggle, most recently this past Thursday night, stalwart deniers such as Cowboys owner the Double J continue to downplay the link between concussion and CTE. Just tape an aspirin to it and let boys be boys!

TNF: Fancy-footed TD celebration enthusiast Cam Newton and his Panthers blocked the NO Saints from winning, yet suffered the devastating loss of LB Luke Kuechly to concussion.

Sun 1pm: The LA Rams, who have more success winning when they don't score touchdowns, will finally start their first-round draft pick at QB as they face the MIA Fins in their quest for 7-9After regretting that purchase of massage chairs, can not-elite-about-passion QB Joe Flacco and OLB Hacksaw Smithers outmaneuver the arm of Dak Prescott, the best offensive line in football, and the clipboard of Tony Romo, to propel my beloved Ravens over the red-hot Dallas Cowboys? The Vikings finally relieved themselves of their kicking nightmare, as well as three offensive tackles to injury, as patriotic Zony Cards QB Carson Palmer gives proof through the tights that his junk is still there. Viewers and players alike will be napping through this AFC South matchup between the rival Titans and Colts.

4pm-ish: The Philly Eagles need a tough road win to stay competitive in their division as they are hosted by the mathematically illiterate Seattle Seahawks. Voters in Massachusetts just legalized weed in the state, yet Gronk has already taken his biggest hit ever. While the Pats obviously should have run the ball on 4th down, they should get their swagger back as they visit the Santa Clara Niners.

SNF: The DC Poopy Buttholes and their RB Fat Rob host a GB Packers squadron that has cut off its relationship with winning.

MNF: ¡¡¡Viva de México!!! In a homecoming for the Oakland Raiders, the Texas Houstons aren't allowed outside their hotel room.

Saturday, November 12, 2016

i <heart> nfl: shut up and dance

With our new national nightmare upon us, it's tempting to bury yourself in the sweet relief of sports and forget about our country's current political discourse. But then we'd be just as bad as NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell asking teams to stop commenting on concussions, because hey, if you don't hear about it, it must not happen. And he's even blaming the misogynist comments of el Presidente-electo for making his job more difficult as it relates to punishing players for domestic abuse. So instead, I posit that we should use sports to bring us together by enjoying them with each other. Regardless of gender, race, ethnicity, religion, nationality, or sexual orientation, we can come together to root for our respective teams while engaging in constructive discourse, perhaps enlightening each other with differing viewpoints and concerns. And I, for one, will stop being lazy and watching the games at home. Just let me know where to meet you.

I'm currently in Nashville, so all times CST, just to keep you on your toes!

TNF: While promising a win this season, Brown did not deliver this week against my beloved Ravens, who are back to their old ways of fighting with everyone.

Sun Noon (M.L. Rose on Franklin, Nashville): Welcome to the Bronn Bowl: My Dirty Birds take on my wife's Eagles with only a week and a half of rest under their wings. The DC Fightin Snyders elect to continue with beastiality on the field as they battle the Minnie Vikes and their innovatively imploding offense. The Saints D will still remain focused against Denver's apathetic offense, but how will NO's versatile scoring weapons handle Broncos OLB and GWAR member Von Miller? In Nashville it seems that every Packers fan who wasn't birth-righted into season tickets at Lambeau is here for tomorrow's game against the Titans, where they hope to be captivated by an energetic Packers offense rather than a squirrel on the field. LA Rams HC Jeff Fisher is treating LA to the same kind of "7-9 bullshit" he was famous for in St Louis by steadfastly refusing to start the No. 1 overall pick, thereby ensuring a punt is the longest play of the day, as they take on an N-Y-J-E-T-S squadron that is finding more success with rugby because they suck at football and is fining players for missing their own birthday parties.

3pm-ish: The two most deplorable fan bases in the league meet for 'Murica's Game of the Week: In no certain terms, QB Dak Prescott will start over the healthy-enough-to-be-backup Tony Romo, as the Dallas Cowboys face the Yinzburgh Stillers, kickster Chris Boswell, and QB Ben Roethlisberger's big assI'm just saying this will be one of San Diego's last home games, as their classy residents voted not to funnel tons of taxpayer money into a new stadium. The future LA Superchargers host an MIA Fins squadron featuring the breakout running back everyone's talking about that isn't a squirrel.

SNF: If playing until the whistle is wrong, then even given issues with ball security, CB Richard Sherman doesn't wanna be right, as he and his Seahawks attempt to magically defeat TE Bon Jovi and supporters of the President-elect NE Pats in this recent Super Bowl rematch.

MNF: NYFG HC Ben McAdoo knew that stats are for losers even before this week's election, as his much improved defense hosts the Cincy Bagels.

Sunday, November 6, 2016

i <heart> nfl: playtest

Here's some fun NFL Halloween stuff to distract you from the fact this posting is later.

TNF: The Bucs stopped here as my Dirty Birds flew roughshod all over them.

Sun 1pm: With Giant fan arrest rates, the NYFG aim to silence the influential Philly Iggles, who are gunning for relentless pressure on their offense, hopefully resulting in a plethora of Manningface. The scarred Cowboys and their unfashionable footwear won't make a commitment at the QB position as the McCownTown Browns embody incompetence #GPODAWUND. The Vikings host the Lions for the Ford Bowl: Sam Bradford versus Matt Stafford under center for each team, respectively. Yinzburgh Stillers QB Ben Roethlisberger and his big ass will start against my beloved Ravens.

4pm-ish: With the Cubs World Series victory, the Zony Cards become the franchise with the longest championship drought as the Santa Clara Niners look to school them while their own city takes over their stadium.

SNF: While taking hits is legal in Denver, the Broncos visit the most penalized, yet high-flying team, in this AFC West showdown.

MNF: The dildo on the field was clearly a false flag operation designed to hide the fact that not every Bills fan smashes tables while blackout drunk, distracting the Seahawks from the fact that Percy Harvin returned to the league at the WR position for the Bills, whose coach Rex Ryan secretly left the World Series early to rig the outcome for the Cubs, but the Seahawks hold the true levels of power.