Sunday, January 21, 2018

i <heart> nfl: championship weekend!

Well this weekend isn't going to be great for NFL fans in the U.S. Military. Due to the government shutdown, nonessential services such as the Armed Forces Network are no longer broadcasting, depriving those stationed abroad from taking in the games. Those near USO Centers, in South Korea, Japan, Germany, and Italy, for example, will be able to stream the games through NFL Game Pass for free. For the rest of us, it's time for Championship Weekend!

Sun 3:05pm CBS (Gantry Bar, LIC, NYC): 
With everyone outside of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts rooting for the Jaguars, formerly-benched QB Blake Bortles and his pissed off Sacksonville Saguars take on the NE Pats and QB Tom Brady's mysterious hand injury. The Jag's clairvoyant defensive ends predict the Pats will be giving out turnovers as the defense talks an ungodly amounts of shit6:40pm FOX: Authorities in the City of Philadelphia are greasing the light poles in anticipation of a win from the underdog Eagles, who are again hosting a playoff game at the Linc, now with one third of their terrible field improved! After last week's 'Minnesota Miracle,' the Vikings' vicious defense faces an Eagles offensive line that bulldozed my Dirty Birds out of the playoffs last week. While the two Jeff Fisher-era Rams QB castoffs prepare for the big game, Vikes fans are taunting Philly residents by doing the 'Skol' chant on the Rocky Steps. Hmmm... I wonder what happened last time someone tried to troll people with that chant? Win or lose, Eagles fans are sure to punch horses, climb greased up poles, and destroy anything lying around, which makes me happy to watch this games from a safe distance in New York.

Saturday, January 13, 2018

i <heart> nfl: divisional weekend!

Welcome to the second week of playoff football! All the teams are playing this weekend, and most games are predicted to be close. While the definition of what constitutes a catch was last season's officiating controversy, this season it's the definition of forward progress, and it's already had quite an effect on Wildcard Weekend. In non-playoff-related NFL news, the Cleveland Browns' 0-16 perfect season parade went on as planned.

Sat 4:35pm NBC (My couch, Center City, Philly): It's too bad the Philadelphia Eagles won't soar with backup QB Nick Foles under center, and as the first No. 1 seed to open the postseason as an underdog, they face my Dirty Birds squadron that have found their defense at just the right time and whose o-line is literally carrying the offense. 8:15pm CBS: After catching his own touchdown pass led to a comeback win over the KC Reidskins (surprise!), QB Marcus Mariota and his Tennessee Titans look to make NE Pats QB Tom Brady look like Blake Bortles as their defense plans to be everywhere. Pats TE the Gronk, who knows not to eat Tide Pods (cause that's a thing for some reason) and has 69 receptions for the season, will be active for the game, whereas the superficially spiritual Tom Brady will put anything in his body his quack trainer tells him to.

Sun 1:05 CBS: After losing the battle of offensive incompetence, Jax Jags QB Blake Bortles, who already looks very much like Blake Bortles, travels to a Yinzburgh Tequila Cowboys Steelers team featuring star WR Antonio Brown as a game-time decision against a stout Jags defense. Not being able to predict the future, I can tell you that the Jags will never win the Super Bowl4:40pm FOX: The Minnie Vikes are hoping to be the first team to play the Super Bowl at home, as they host football team and Panthers new owner the NO Saints.

Saturday, January 6, 2018

i <heart> nfl: wildcard weekend!

Welcome to the first week of playoff football! Before we get to the games, let's tally up all the coach firings this season! Ben McAdoo (Giants) was the first to get shitcanned, followed by Chuck Pagano (Colts), John Fox (Bears), Jim Caldwell (Lions), and Jack del Rio (Raiders). On to the games!

Sat 4:35pm ESPN (PJ Leahy's, LIC, NYC): After battling inconsistencies, find out if the Tennessee Titans will get after it or are a bunch of Mularkey against the classic Santa clock management and offensive powerhouse QB Alex Smith of the KC Reidskins. 8:15pm NBC: My Dirty Birds look to disrespect the LA Rams, who have gone from '7-9 bullshit' to the playoffs for the first time in over a decade by creating the NFL's scariest offense, on their way back to choking in the Super Bowl. As the City of Angels still hasn't taken to the Rams, I hope for SoCal-based Falcons fans to create a road-game-like environment for them.

Sun 1:05pm CBS (still deciding): The Bills were propelled to the playoffs by the Cincy Bengals clutch win over my beloved Ravens last week, and Bills fans have returned the favor by donating $17 contributions to Andy Dalton's charity and feeding the Bengals chicken wings, however this is cold comfort for Bengals fans given that the Cincy win sealed another contract extension for HC Marvin Lewis. Now, the Jax Jags, along with untrusty QB Blake Bortles, look to piss off a Bills squadron that had just this season benched their playoff QB4:40pm FOX: New Orleans Saints HC Sean Payton hopes to bring a strong Three Stooges game to Carolina Panthers HC Riverboat Ron's strong T-shirt look.