Sunday, January 24, 2016

i <heart> nfl: championship weekend!

This time last year, deflated balls were on the lips of every sportscaster in the nation, and here we are a year later, with all those suspensions, lawsuits, and fines, and the NFL still is not taking care of its balls. Well I'll take anything to bring up widespread discussion of the Ideal Gas Law. For those punters among you, Barbara the Chicken has been accurately predicting playoff outcomes by pooping on the losing quarterback's face. On to the action!

I wonder if Peyton Manning sacking himself goes on his stat sheet

Sun 3:05pm CBS (PJ Leahy's, LIC, NYC, the 7 train work was cancelled due to Winter Storm Jonas, and this place is 10 feet from the V/Jax subway entrance... you can make it!): You are quite welcome, CBS, that you get to host Brady-Manning Bowl XVII, aka The Clash of the Taint-ans, likely the last time these storied competitors meet on the field of the battle. The Denver Broncos hate everything about the NE Pats, so look for the Denver defense to send a message to NE QB and whining crybaby Tom Brady, who throws a temper tantrum every time he takes a hit, much unlike his fellow teammates Bill Belichick and Chandler Jones. Perhaps the force would strike back if he played in a no flex zoneOtherwise you can expect Peyton Weeden to throw ducks all over the Pats defense.

6:40pm FOX: The Carolina Panthers need some really big rings and look to advance to the Super Bowl by playing it safe and using their sloppy home turf as an advantage against the Zony Cards. However, the Seattle Seahawks snitched and told the Cards about it, so the Panthers decided to freeze their turf, instead. The Zony Cards' QB Carson Palmer needs to keep his nerves and go short against a stout Panthers defense, whose fans will be growling for victory.

Saturday, January 16, 2016

i <heart> nfl: divisional weekend!

No time for pleasantries... on to the meat!

This catch is topologically non-trivial

Sat 4:35pm CBS (Barrow St Ale House, West Village, NYC): NE Pats HC Bill Belichick won't explain how he got that black eye, but he's happy to send the KC Reidskins his game plan, which apparently doesn't involve smoking the real stuff. 8:15pm NBC: Nice guy, biscuit fan, and Zony Cards WR Larry Fitzgerald seeks to propel his team to victory against the GB Packers, who returned to dominant form last week after taking Danny DeVito's advice.

Sun 1:05pm FOX (prolly PJ Leahy's, LIC, NYC): If the Seattle Seahawks thought fumbling snaps, face-planting, and tackling whiteboards were the keys to last week's victory, then even janitors know they'll face trouble against the Chosen Carolina Panthers. 4:40pm CBS: Burfict stranger, Grammy award-winner, and Yinzburg Stillers' WR Antonio Brown will be sitting out along with RB Deangelo Williams and possibly QB Ben Roethlisberger, so the Stillers might be playing like garbage against a Denver Broncos squadron whose home airport is giving away their audibles.

Saturday, January 9, 2016

i <heart> nfl: wildcard weekend!

The best football of the season is upon us as the NFL playoffs start today with Wildcard Weekend. In an effort to not get distracted by all the recent coach firings, multiple relocation applications, and alleged Peyton Manning HGH scandal, we're gonna buckle in an head straight for the action!

Vikings fans wish Terry Bridgewater had a rocket like this.

Sat 4:35pm ESPN (Tavern on Broad, Center City, Philly): The dream of the 90's is alive with these games, as the Bengals and Chiefs haven't won a playoff game since 1991 and 1994, respectively. In a battle between a license to carry and a license to grill, the Texas Houstons host the KC Reidskins. KCHC Andy Reid will be restarting his team to aid in clock management as well as keep JJ Watt and the Texas defense guessing. 8:15pm CBS: Take a shot whenever someone reminds you how long it's been since the Cincy Bagels won a playoff game, as they face off against division rival Yinzburgh Steelers, a team they are not known for liking. Prop bet: How many fights do they get into tonight (o/u 3)?

Sun 1:05pm NBC: Everything will shrink in the cold as the Minnie Vikes host the Seattle Seahawks on a day with a 1 degree high temperature. Perhaps that's why the Vikings' sex boat wasn't that great4:40pm FOX: You like that DC Fighting Snyders QB Kirk Cousins is favored over the venerable Aaron Rodgers, but at least the Packers will have fan support in the form of the Minnesota Vikings official mascot.

Sunday, January 3, 2016

i <heart> nfl: broad

Welcome to the final week of the regular season, and as most teams have already punched their tickets, there are only a few pivotal games today! In the NFC, the Packers/Panthers/Redtail Pigskins/Seahawks/Vikings/Zony Cards will all make appearances, while the current slate in the AFC consists of the Bagels/Broncos/Chiefs/Houstons/J-E-T-S/Pats. However, with a win and NYJ loss, the Steelers can ground the Jets' season, while oddsmakers give the Houstons a 3,325 out of 3,326 chance of holding on against Indy's 9-team parlay.


Sun 1pm (PJ Leahy's, LIC, NYC): Former NY J-E-T-S HC and current Buffalo Bills HC Rex Ryan would like to boot his former team from playoff contention, while the J-E-T-S attempt to keep a leg up on the Steelers in the AFC Wildcard race and maintain their toehold in the postseason. Ruled out due to concussion, Johnny Fucking Football will have to go Four Loko for his Cleveland Browns from the sidelines, as Snoop Raven pouts that his Yinzburgh Stillers team might be shut out of the playoffs. Coaching the MIA Fins is like eating crap with this fuckboy QB Tannehill, but at least their equipment will be properly supervised from any tomfoolery by NE Pats QB Tom Brady's personal crackpotMy beloved Ravens finish their disappointing season against the Cincy Bagels and their third-string QB, but at least Baltimore WR and legendary trash-talker Steve Smith will return next season. Indy can advance to the playoffs with a win over the Tennessee Titans, coupled with the Falcons inundating the Saints, Steelers assaulting the Browns, Broncos short-circuiting the Chargers, Bills smashing the Jets into a tableJaguars grilling the Texans, Dolphins deflating the Patriots, Ravens pulling the Bengals down, and Raiders knifing the Chiefs. Since their interceptions are so bad that they're also called for intentional groundingJerry Jones and his Dallas Cowboys will be watching the playoffs from their couch, as they face off with the DC Bitch Shankswho like that they clinched the NFC East. Just like the Philadelphia Eagles players taking themselves out of the game early, the front office took HC and dead duck Chip Kelly out forever against the NYFG, as they attempt to prevent HC Old Man Coughlin from going into retirementAnd after handing Carolina their first loss of the season, my Dirty Birds look roll over the NO Aints shoddy defense.

4pm-ish: San Diego failed to stay classy and instead fined their safety $10K for watching his daughter perform in the halftime show, so now must face punishment from five-time league MVP, all-time leader in passing touchdowns and yards and fourteen-time Pro Bowler Peyton Manning, if Denver Broncos starting QB Brock Osweiler happens to get injured. While Seattle Seahawk RB Marshawn Lynch is now the only one who can say he's watching the game from the sideline so he doesn't get fined, this divisional battle against the Zony Cards only relevance is seeding, as both teams are going to make appearances in the postseason. I Ponder which QB San Fran will trade for in the offseason, as the Niners take cheap shots and dinosaur denial from the StL Rams.

SNF: The GB Pack will need sources of inspiration to win the NFC North, as these two playoff-bound teams compete for seeding.