Welcome to the final week of the regular season, and as most teams have already punched their tickets, there are only a few pivotal games today! In the NFC, the Packers/Panthers/Redtail Pigskins/Seahawks/Vikings/Zony Cards will all make appearances, while the current slate in the AFC consists of the Bagels/Broncos/Chiefs/Houstons/J-E-T-S/Pats. However, with a win and NYJ loss, the Steelers can ground the Jets' season, while oddsmakers give the Houstons a 3,325 out of 3,326 chance of holding on against Indy's 9-team parlay.
Sun 1pm (PJ Leahy's, LIC, NYC): Former NY J-E-T-S HC and current Buffalo Bills HC Rex Ryan would like to boot his former team from playoff contention, while the J-E-T-S attempt to keep a leg up on the Steelers in the AFC Wildcard race and maintain their toehold in the postseason. Ruled out due to concussion, Johnny Fucking Football will have to go Four Loko for his Cleveland Browns from the sidelines, as Snoop Raven pouts that his Yinzburgh Stillers team might be shut out of the playoffs. Coaching the MIA Fins is like eating crap with this fuckboy QB Tannehill, but at least their equipment will be properly supervised from any tomfoolery by NE Pats QB Tom Brady's personal crackpot. My beloved Ravens finish their disappointing season against the Cincy Bagels and their third-string QB, but at least Baltimore WR and legendary trash-talker Steve Smith will return next season. Indy can advance to the playoffs with a win over the Tennessee Titans, coupled with the Falcons inundating the Saints, Steelers assaulting the Browns, Broncos short-circuiting the Chargers, Bills smashing the Jets into a table, Jaguars grilling the Texans, Dolphins deflating the Patriots, Ravens pulling the Bengals down, and Raiders knifing the Chiefs. Since their interceptions are so bad that they're also called for intentional grounding, Jerry Jones and his Dallas Cowboys will be watching the playoffs from their couch, as they face off with the DC Bitch Shanks, who like that they clinched the NFC East. Just like the Philadelphia Eagles players taking themselves out of the game early, the front office took HC and dead duck Chip Kelly out forever against the NYFG, as they attempt to prevent HC Old Man Coughlin from going into retirement. And after handing Carolina their first loss of the season, my Dirty Birds look roll over the NO Aints shoddy defense.
4pm-ish: San Diego failed to stay classy and instead fined their safety $10K for watching his daughter perform in the halftime show, so now must face punishment from five-time league MVP, all-time leader in passing touchdowns and yards and fourteen-time Pro Bowler Peyton Manning, if Denver Broncos starting QB Brock Osweiler happens to get injured. While Seattle Seahawk RB Marshawn Lynch is now the only one who can say he's watching the game from the sideline so he doesn't get fined, this divisional battle against the Zony Cards only relevance is seeding, as both teams are going to make appearances in the postseason. I Ponder which QB San Fran will trade for in the offseason, as the Niners take cheap shots and dinosaur denial from the StL Rams.
SNF: The GB Pack will need sources of inspiration to win the NFC North, as these two playoff-bound teams compete for seeding.