Welcome back to another season of the NFL! This season couldn't start any sooner as to put distance between now and the horror that was the fourth quarter of the Super Bowl. That was the election night of Super Bowls. The NE Pats overcoming of a 28-3 deficit should inspire every Tawwwwmy from Quinzeee who's down for the count in their candlestick bowling league from then to eternity #notbitter. Anyway, the Pats Thursday night game should help me put all this behind us, because Angry Tom Brady is the first meme of the NFL season:
So congratulations to the NE Pats on yet another Championship (uggggggggh). Now for your much coveted season outlook!
AFC East:
AFC North:
Bodymore Ravens (9.0): Players have been fleeing the sinking ship that is my beloved Ravens faster than they can be replaced, with shit-talking WR Stever Smith, Sr retiring and the backup center going to MIT to pursue a Math Ph.D. QB and remorseful buyer of massage chairs Joe Flacco is suffering from a disc injury yet the Ravens' owner isn't bold enough to sign C-Kaep. The kicker is this team's MVP.
Cincinnati Bagels (8.5): Finally having not immediately lost in the playoffs by virtue of not making it there, the Cincy Bagels continue to excel in senseless violence on the field and off. On D, you can S that.
Cleveland Browns (4.5): Playing five different quarterbacks and winning one game is a situation the Browns certainly look to improve on. I, for one, fully expect them to achieve QB-W parity this season. Rookie QB DeShone Kizer is confident they'll win the Super Bowl.
Yinzburgh Steelers (10.5): It seemed that star RB Le'Veon Bell was holding out for a contract this offseason, when he really was just avoiding a brutal training camp that's the reason the O-line will look like they're in Week 15 in the first game of thes season. At least they're not in pain. This criminal fan base attacks their own grandmothers and yet I still wish they beat the Pats in the AFC Championship game last year. Big Ben is too concussed to remember to retire.
AFC South:
Tennessee Titans (8.5): The Official Team of Thursday Night Football (tm), the Titans are currently the ninth most popular football team in the state of Tennessee. If QB Marcus Mariota can stay healthy, the Titans stand a reasonable chance of winning their dogshit division.
Texas Houstons (8.5): Last season the junior varsity Houstons went 5-1 their division yet 4-6 against actual football teams, making them the only playoff team with a -49 net point differential. At least they solved their Brock Osweiler problem, but will still be starting Tom Savage under center. The defense might be formidable if JJ Watt and Jadeveon Clowney ever play in a game at the same time.
AFC West:
KC Chiefs (9.0): For the past several years, the Chiefs have quietly put together winning seasons. But whenever there's any excitement in a playoff, the Chiefs puke all over themselves both figuratively and literally. But after firing their GM a month before training camp and departing with some successful veterans, will KC be good enough to make the playoffs and only to disappoint their fans enough that they abandon their grills?
Oakland(ish) Raiders (10.0): Oh Snap! After being the most exciting team in the AFC last season, EDM DJ and QB Derek Carr broke his leg, and the Raiders fizzled in the playoffs. Beast Mode is here fresh out of retirement and Carr promises to give him the ball on the 1-yard line. This Raiders franchise is all about loyalty, which is why they're moving to Las Vegas in a couple years.
NFC East:
Philadelphia Eagles (8.0): Playing in a stadium where the most winning team is Temple University, the Eagles begin their sophomore year of QB and white-guy-who-hunts Carson Wentz. Coached by yes-man Doug Peterson, the Eagles will continue to excel at signing free agents that tank, ejecting reporters from the press box, and throwing batteries at Santa Claus.
NFC South:
ATL Dirty Birds (9.5): I root for a team that cannot perform basic football functions such as holding a 25-point lead.
Carolina Panthers (8.5): After a season most memorable for head shots, the Panthers finally added some help at RB so that QB Cam Newton doesn't have to produce 99% of the offense. While questionable in social media regarding use of Instagram, their Twitter game remains strong.
NFC West:
Seattle Seahawks (10.5): Head Coach Pete Carroll is slowly melting the steel beams that used to be the Seattle Seahawks. This team is roiling beneath the surface, with flying punches thrown at training camp and Richard Sherman's grudge against Russell Wilson for throwing at the 1-yard line. Let's see if it it boils over this season.
Zony Cards (8.0): After a respectable season in 2015, the Cards fell into a trashcan last year and have been stuck ever since. The addition of Yo Gabbert Gabbert as backup QB in the offseason all but guarantees this franchise will go 3-13.