Sunday, December 27, 2015

i <heart> nfl: court

This abbreviated post comes compliments of holiday travel and free wifi at the ATL airport. If you're itching for something more to read this Sunday, check out Drew Magary lambasting the show of moving teams to Los Angeles.

Get out the way!















TNF: Oakland said goodbye to Charles Woodson's Hall of Fame career as well as their NFL franchise as they topped future roommates San Diego Superchargers in overtime.

SatNF: The lights went out on the Philadelphia Eagles playoff hopes as YOU SPIKE THAT!? the DC Fightin' Snyders are going back to the playoffs.

Sun 1pm: Silver-toed QB Cam Newton and his Carolina Panthers are up to bat against my Millennium FalconsIn Bill de Blasio's New York, beggars will get jobs, as the J-E-T-S host the NE Pats and their Jolly Rancher of a head coach. The Cleveland Browns can improve this off-season by replacing them with barnyard chickens, as they battle the KC Reidskins, who are still alive for postseason contention. The Dallas Cowboys start some little bitty dude against the zaniest fans in football.

SNF: ODB won't be lighting up the field against the Minnie Vikes, who are vying for the last NFC wildcard spot.

MNF: The Denver Broncos can earn a return to the playoff if their offense quits ruining scoring opportunities, as they host the Cincy Bagels.

Sunday, December 20, 2015

i <heart> nfl: coney

With Xmas around the corner, all but ten teams are still hoping Santa will bring them a trip to the playoffs, with just the Pats, Panthers, and Zony Cards having punched their tickets and seven others mathematically eliminated. For guidance in these uncertain times, consider the crazy playoff scenarios in which your team could still make it (Falcons at 0.7%, I like those odds!). Otherwise, here's the exact date your favorite team failed you. Oh, and just to make sure nothing gets too exciting around here, this week features a mere *one* game between two teams with winning records.

Look at these bandwagoners



















TNF: Mustard bested ketchup as the condiment of champions as the last NFL game in St Louis eliminated the TB Bucs from playoff contention. 

SatNF: The NY J-E-T-S descend to Jerryland, welcomed by a 'Boys squadron going balls out for a much-needed win to get to that coveted 4-way NFC East tie. [Ed's Note: they did not get it]

SNF 1pm (Misconduct Tavern, Center City, Philly): The Pats' QB and hilarious moron Tom Brady looks to complete many passes to TE and Human Jock Jam the Gronk by exploiting the Titans' habit of taking some plays offThe saddest divisional showdown takes place in the AFC South, where the 6-7 Indy and Texas Houstons showcase their third string QBs. The only things worth watching in this bout between my beloved Ravens and KC Reidskins are Steve Smith trash-talking Santa and a rare Alex Smith throwing errorAs a result of Bills' RB LeSean McCoy leaving his head and heart on the dance floor, last week he hung up the telephone on former coach Chip Kelly, and now must rely on a defense of asses in a battle against the Washington Jizz Underwear, whose most supportive fans are themselvesWhile my Dirty Birds are too stubborn to succeed and feature a defense consisting of ghosts, unimpressive Jaguars QB Blake Bortles and company look to give them yet another botched snap touchdownNYFGHC Tom Coughlin should pop right back up after his team is crushed by the Panthers today.

4pm-ish: Perhaps Heinz field will be more welcoming of our religious diversity than the Q, as your featured matchup between two winning teams features the Yinzburgh Stillers hosting the Broncos. The GB Packers and QB Obi-Wan Kenobi step into the Black Hole to face the soon-to-be-former Oakland Raiders. Unlike the Falcons, the Seattle Seahawks are the quickest to admit their mistakes, yet still start shit QB Russell Wilson against the Cleveland Browns and their QB Money Manziel.

SNF: Stuck in a 3-way tie for first place with a losing record, the Philadelphia Iggles could achieve separation as they host the playoff-bound Zony Cards.

MNF: In a meaningless game to everyone, with (almost) no possible playoff implications, the Nawlins Saints host the D'town Lions.

Sunday, December 13, 2015

i <heart> nfl: jamaica

Given the temperature outside, you'd be forgiven for forgetting this weekend has *playoff* implications, but here we are! Bringing you up to speed for your Week 14 Action, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell thinks concussions are hilarious. A blue-ribbon committee has been formed to determine just what a catch is. More extra point attempts were missed last week than all of last season. And the NO Saints score the first defensive 2-point conversion in NFL history.

So much for the twig and berries











TNF: The Zony Cards squeaked out a playoff spot as they defeated the Minnie Vikes with a last-minute fieldgoal.

Sun 1pm (PJ Leahy's, LIC, NYC): After the failing of the cover nobody defense, the Ryan brothers reunite in the City of Apropos Love against a thirsty Iggles squadron whose HC Chip Kelly is hated by both current and former RBs. The undefeated 13-1 Panthers host my Dirty Birds, who need to step up both looks to WR Julio Jones and their half-assed defense. The San Fran Hungry Hungry Hippos travel to the Factory of Sadness, where the Cleveland Browns will restart their alcoholic QB. Da Bears host the Washington Redksins and their Positive Polly quarterback. Far from a night at the opera, my beloved Ravens have a chance to achieve sadness history if backup backup QB Jimmy Clausen again gets shut out by the Seattle Seahawks.

4pm-ish: Dallas Cowboys WR Dez Bryant will attempt to define the catch without the aid of technology against the GB Pack. And the Denver Broncos entertain the unrecognizable Oakland Juggalos.

SNF: With the Houstons' networking skills, one would surmise the JJ Watts' social engagements more than "Netflix. No Chill" as NE Pats star WR Tom Brady tries to ban them from the playoffs and make America great again.

MNF: With a three way 5-7 tie for 1st place, the horrible NFC East  is once again featured on MNF as NYFGHC Tom Coughlin reaches his optimal pulse rate against the MIA Fins. 

Sunday, December 6, 2015

i <heart> nfl: norwood

Please pardon the tardiness of this email/blog post, as I am currently at an altitude of 30k feet returning from a friend's wedding in the A. Since most of this was written on a plane, I figure posting it from a plane would be appropriate as well. Enjoy the action!


TNF: Not to be outsaddened by the Browns, the D'town Lion went and lost on a 70-yard Hail Mary delivered by the QB Aaron Rodgers and the GB Packers.

1pm (Hartsfield-Jackson-Andre3000 International Airport): Injuries will abound for both MIA and my beloved Ravens now that Ndamukong Suh runs the Fins’ defense and their questionably elite QB Ryan Tannehill is making throws that put their receivers in danger. After last week's kick six, the woeful Cleveland Browns and whoever at QB entertain the dominant Cincy Bagels. The fashionable Zony Cards won’t just kiss StL Rams’ HC Jeff Fisher’s ass, but go ahead and eat it as well. The Bills try not to break down against the JJ WattsNow that RB Devonta Freeman has returned to my Dirty Birds’ lineup from concussion protocol, the Falcons will have ample opportunities for Red Zone turnovers against a TB Bucs team that does not accept the opinions of fucking sheep, okay!? This season’s Snoopy Bowl features Charlie Brown cleats and New York franchises on the bubble of the postseason. Since he's white, TE Travis Kelce and the KC Reidskins can dance all over the imminent LA Raiders as they continue to not fuck up.

4pm-ish: After throwing their previous game, the newly-defeated NE Pats and pissed off QB Tom Brady face off against a Philadelphia Iggles squadron, directed from the hot seat by HC Chip Kelly. Brock Osweiler and the Denver Broncos look to troll their way to a victory against the also-imminent LA Superchargers. The Auburn pay-for-play scandal seems to be the only think that can wipe the smile off the face of Panthers QB Cam Newton, who looks to remain undefeated and improve to 12-1 against the Nawlins Aints, whose best fantasy player is the kicker

SNF: All I want for xmas is some flex scheduling since the Yinzburgh Stillers and Indy are terrible teams that may yet make the playoffs.

MNF: Although Tony Romo wasn’t the Cowboy that choked on Thanksgiving, you like that Dallas’ playoff hopes look dim in December as they battle division rival DC Fightin' Snyders.

Thursday, December 3, 2015

thinkQ

It may seem that I've just been watching football instead of doing anything physics-y recently, but that's not true! Finishing tomorrow is a conference hosted by IBM Research called "ThinkQ 2015: Challenges and Applications for Medium Size Quantum Computers," which Graeme Smith (@quantum_graeme) and myself (@nickbronn) have been live-tweeting. The conference speakers are leaders from a wide range of experimental implementations and theory, both from academia and government/industry, all speaking to the challenges and usefulness of a medium size (~ 100 logical qubit) quantum computer. Join us tomorrow for the final half day, and peruse our tweets to see the conversation that's been happening! (I'll disable my Twitter access to Facebook so that I don't lose any more friends for posting science-y stuff).

Sunday, November 29, 2015

i <heart> nfl: euclid

Even without the scab refs, this season has been marked by especially lousy officiating. The complexity of the rules, for example the definition of a catch, can be quite complicated and different from college rules. The rulebook is a complex entity, written by lawyers, that, at best allows us to argue with our friends between plays. I hope we see some simplification in the offseason. In other news, I bet the history of Thanksgiving football goes way further than you thought it did.

Time for an afternoon constitutional




















ThxDF: Chip Kelly's bullshit methods allowed another 45 points against an Eagles defense that's thrown in the towel as the D'town Lions continue their recent dominance of Thanksgiving Day. The undefeated Panthers move to 11-1 against the again Romo-less Cowboys. And da Bears hold on against Brett Favre's favorite team in a battle between QBs equally adept at tossing the official tablet of the NFL.

Sun 1pm (Somewhere around Boerum Hill, Brooklyn): Everyone is biased against Dan Snyder's fashion sense as the Washington Milf Weed host the NYF Giants. Tennessee hosts the Oakland Raiders in another difficult road game for the Titans. What can we learn from the xxx-xx result as my Dirty Birds place agains the Minnie Vikes, in this battle of NFC wildcard contenders? After firing Defensive Coordinator/Metallic Roadie Rob Ryan for causing Hurricane Katrina, the Nawlins Aints seek refuge in the Houston's NRG Stadium. Bills HC Rex Ryan should realize his headset will start working again this week, when his opponent is the KC Reidskins instead of the NE Pats. Indy is very Luck-y that Matt Hasselbeck is proving such a valuable backup QB, as they take on the TB Bucs and QB Jameis Winston, who is very Luck-y that he is one of forty former Florida State football players that received special treatment with their sexual assault/domestic violence investigations.

4pm-ish: Beast Mode is disabled in this rematch of the hideous Super Bowl XL between the Seattle Seahawks and Yinzburgh Stillers. Will anyone show up for this snoozefest as the Niners host the Zony Cards at the Field of Jeans?

SNF: The 'Omaha' v 'Rex Ryan' Bowl! NE Pats HC Bill Belichick ate PB&J's for Thanksgiving so he'd have time to prepare for backup QB Brock Osweiler since Peyton Manning is faking an injury, as the Denver Broncos Ponder other options at quarterback.

MNF: In by far the worst prime time game of the season, my broken Bodymore Ravens travel to the Factory of Sadness to face a Cleveland Browns team that's benched QB Johnny Fucking Bubbles.

Sunday, November 22, 2015

i <heart> nfl: brighton

In case of any pauses in the action this week, here are a couple think-pieces for you to contemplate. This season's complete history of what constitutes a catch, and how is it that so many Samoans find their was into the NFL? Enjoy the action this week!

Excessive Celebration \ik-ˈse-siv ,se-lə-ˈbrā-shən\ (noun):



















TNF: This typically forgettable match between 2-7 and 3-6 teams surprisingly had playoff implications, given that it was between the rival Titans and Jaguars in the woeful AFC South.

Sun 1pm (PJ Leahy's, LIC, NYC): The undefeated 8-1 Carolina Panthers and QB/poor example Cam Newton host the Washington Dick Balls, and you like that they can't get a trademark on it. Hopefully the bye week gave my Dirty Birds HC Dan Quinn time to bone up on his sums and learn to call plays that increase the Falcons' win probability, while OC Kyle Shanahan pushes the tempo on offense, against an un-Luck-y and fractured Colts franchise featuring not even Jason Campbell at QB. The MIA Fins are the saftiest team in football as they welcome QB Tony Romo's return to the Dallas Cowboys. After losing a game due to an officiating error instead of their own shittiness, my beloved WWE Ravens entertain the Seattle Seahawks' little brothersThe stoic D'town Lions host the Oakland JaggalosAfter surpassing the Deer Hunter for all-time passing yards, Denver Broncos QB Peyton Manning threw four interceptions for a QB rating of 0.0 in the worst game of his life, and was benched for former backup QB/likely current weatherman Brock Osweiler, who will start against da Bears, whose field is as drunk as their fans, yet somehow possess a gameplan that makes senseTB Bucs QB Jameis Winston is hoping you're watching the action this Sunday, instead of this documentary premiering on CNN highlighting his alleged campus raping while they battle the Sanchized Philadelphia Iggles and HC Chip Kelly's four minor offensive changes.

4pm-ish: GB Packers QB Aaron Rodgers will play with a sore Olivia Munn against the surging Minnie Vikes. The rival Santa Clara Niners and Seattle Seahawks, recently dominating the NFC West, battle for the cellar spot in the division.

SNF: The now-defeated Cincy Bagels led by QB Red Ryder face the Zony Cards' crotch-chopping QB Carson Palmer and his buddies Pup, Phil, and Sugar Cane.

MNF: The NE Pats, along with a fancy dog and Bobby Flay's sister's boyfriend, look to roll over a Bills squadron whose fans are more concerned with defeating furniture.

Sunday, November 15, 2015

i <heart> nfl: inwood

By now you are certainly familiar with the Islamic State's terrorist attack in Paris. Striking a soccer game between the mens' national teams of France and Germany and a concert headlining the American (not metal) band The Eagles of Death Metal, hundreds of sport and music fans in the city were killed or injured. The hearts of us at 'i <heart> nfl' go out to the victims of this atrocity and their friends and family, and hope that, while you take in the action this weekend, yours does as well. 

No better segue from horrific sadness to meaningless shit-talking than this TD celebration



















TNF: In a game that was more painful to watch than your standard J-E-T-S/Bills fare, Bills coach Rex Ryan celebrated his upset of the team that dumped him.

Sun 1pm (Kraftwork, Fishtown, Philly): The Tennessee Flaming Thumbtacks need to be both good and lucky against the Carolina Panthers, who had the audacity to honor the troops without using your tax dollars. My beloved Ravens host the Jacksonville DiarrheaThe StL Rams welcome da Bears to their city by removing their Wall of Death, but will the best Chicago QB in history care? Fans of the Dallas Cowboys are innocent until proven guilty of booing the wrong player as they take on the equally sullied TB Bucs. You'd think people in Detroit would be used to losing their jobs, but apparently Lions HC Jim Caldwell's dim prospects keep him there against the GB Packers and their destruction of the Official Tablet of the NFLJohnny Fucking Football will start while others wish to join the Cleveland Browns' battle against the possibly Big Ben-less Yinzburgh Stillers. You like that titty-twisted Washington Hot Octopuss will be Slutseeking a victory against the Nawlins Aints.

4pm-ish: Tom Brady liked Ndamunkong Suh stomping on his balls so much, he ran the NYC Marathon afterwards, so any sickness he might experience won't hurt the NE Pats' chances against the NYF Giants, albeit amidst arsonists attending and an ambidextrous ODB.

SNF: After getting revenge on Jimmy Fallon, feeding the homeless, and funding a kid's sneaker collection, the Seattle Seahawks are woefully unprepared for this matchup against current division rival Zony Cards.

MNF: The past two weeks of surprisingly close games comes to an end as the undefeated Cincy Bagels host the decrepit Texas Houstons.

Sunday, November 8, 2015

i <heart> nfl: franklin

I was so ready to enjoy a cup of coffee while neglecting the 9:30am game in London this morning, but there wasn't one! The NFL will exploiting that level of acclamation by scheduling more regular-season games in London next year. In other NFL news that makes me sad: Dallas DE Greg Hardy's off-the-field handiwork was on display week as pictures of his beaten ex-girlfriend emerged, yet support from Cowboys owner and noted serial-groper The Double J remains unwavering. It turns out your tax dollars were funding all those patriotic game-time displays. And we learn that ATL rap duo OutKast could have been the Super Bowl halftime performers. Sadness, indeed!

Ahhhh the majestic stiff arm



TNF: The Battle for Ohio and the Color Orange resulted in the Cincy Bagles exploiting the holes in the Cleveland defense.

Sun 1pm: Jar Jar Binks is clearly behind the NE Pats' dumb luck as they face the Washington Red Skinflutes, who are rather concerned with finding names more offensive than their own. YOU LIKE THAT!? The MIA Fins won't be bullied by Buffalo coach Rex Ryan and their loser fans. Can the Carolina Panthers pound their way to an undefeated 7-1 record as they host the GB Packers?

4pm-ish (PJ Leahy's, LIC): Yo Gabbert Gabbert! After losing faith in C-Kaep, the Silicon Valley 110001ers are substituting QB Blaine Gabbert under center as they host my Dirty Birds. Correction: THIS week the NYF Giants get a hand on defense against the TB Bucs. And another battle between differing Peyton Manning jerseys takes place.

SNF: The mother Eagle fed the city of Philadelphia its own citizens as they make the flight to Jerryland to face the Dallas Cowboys led by QB Stone Cold Steve Austin.

MNF: This week's snoozefest features King Laserface against the unlikable smoking version of Andrew Luck.

Sunday, November 1, 2015

i <heart> nfl: grand

Nothing major in NFL news this week, so how about a roundup of a few stories: Pierre Garcon demonstrates that a BYE week is the perfect time to bring a class action lawsuit against daily fantasy football. The Cowboys are setting themselves up for a blowup by encouraging the violent behavior of woman-batterer Greg Hardy. The NFL continues to fine players for honoring their deceased mothers in non-NFL-approved ways. And now we all know that Jeb Bush's fantasy football team is undefeated.

For some reason the Browns seem overrepresented in these GIFs




















TNF: The Gronk spiked everything as the NE Pats rolled over the recently-surging MIA Fins.

SMF: The NFL is getting us acclimated to casually checking in on the Sunday morning game by presenting the D'town Lions new offensive coordinator against the KC Reidskins. 

Sun 1pm (PJ Leahy's, LIC): My Dirty Birds look to exploit that half the Tampa Bay receiving core is out with injuries. The NYF Giants will get a hand with defense this week as they check into the Hotel Katrina against the Nawlins Aints. The doomed Bears host the Minnie Vikes along with star RB Adrian Peterson, who enjoys setting off his life-threatening allergies Perhaps the officiating will be better after my haunted Bodymore Ravens gave them a two-star Yelp review, as they host the also-shitty future LA Superchargers. The Texas Houstons will attempt to drop the Mallett on the Flaming ThumbtacksThe Niners shitty turf won't stop the StL Rams from kicking themselves to victory, as Niners players are physically fighting over their QB. And after the Zony Cards bury the Cleveland Browns, how will that particular loss rank?

4pm-ish: The J-E-T-S will attempt to establish ground communication against the Raiders, whose fans applaud the owner for removing them from OaklandFollowing three straight outcomes, the Seattle Seahawks travel to Jerryland to face the delusional Cowboys.

SNF: Two teams enter, one team leaves undefeated, as the Broncos host the Packers. Unless there's a tie, of course.

MNF: Straight out of THE University, the Carolina Panthers take on Indy Colts, whose fans aren't liking their Luck this season.

Sunday, October 25, 2015

i <heart> nfl: hudson

We're already in Week 7 and facing existential football questions such as what the definition of a catch is. After Devonta Freeman's TD was called back, we now have the same situation ruled a TD, by none other than noted touchdown-controversialist Golden Tate. In these trying times of confusion and murkiness, at least we have the bedrock of certitude that Mike Ditka farted on Monday Night Countdown.

I bring you the worst fake play in NFL history



















TNF: Although the only speeding Seattle RB's Marshawn Lynch and Fred Jackson have been doing is off the field, they still managed to dispose of a Niners franchise that doesn't trust its QB.

SMF: The West Coast Experience begins at 9:30am with the Bills defense arguing with head coach Rex Ryan about how best to use them, as they take on the soon-to-be domiciled Jaguars in their future hometown of London, in a game so unimportant you can only watch it for free streaming on Yahoo. Tally-ho!

Sunday 1pm (Misconduct Tavern, Center City, Philly): The D'town Lions will be forced to play without the support of these superfans as they host division rival Minnesota Vikings. Since Titans rookie QB Marcus Mariota is out with a sprained MCL, Titans backup QB Zach Mettenberger is free to take selfies of himself being defeated by my Dirty Birds. Miami QB Ryan Tannehill can anticipate being beaten by the practice squad known as the Texas Houstons. Tampa Bay RB Doug Martin will attempt to transform from the Muscle Hamster into anything else, but preferably the Douggernaut, against the long con that is the DC Fightin' Snyders. With WR Josh Gordon suspended for substance abuse, what will the Cleveland Browns do about the burning grass in St. Louis? Perhaps now is the time to find out if Sonic is still open. Since J-E-S-T QB Ryan Fitzpatrick went to Harvard, he's probably too smart to fall for the fraud of Tom Brady's personal guru.

4pm-ish: Oakland Raiders owner Mark Davis may soon be shortening the commute required to get his horrible haircut as imminent cohabitor of LA, the San Diego Superchargers, host them at their vaguish 90's-sounding and imminently forgettable stadium. And the Double J and his Cowboys check into Snoopy Stadium against the NYF G-men and the many faces of Eli Manning. And that's it for this time slot. WTF, NFL!?

SNF: The well-rested Carolina Panthers will attempt to jam it back in against the Philadelphia Iggles and their deteriorating QB.

MNF: My beloved Ravens could recover from their disastrous 1-5 start by sleeping with WR Steve Smith's wife, as they take on the Zony Cards.

Sunday, October 18, 2015

i <heart> nfl: pelham

This week's forecast will be slightly abbreviated, due to my parents visiting me from out of town. Well then they all may get a bit more abbreviated given that the NFL has recently gone after Deadspin and SB Nation over their animated GIF content, which is the only reason people read about sports anyway.

NFL Scientists bring you... the Assdown!
Gary Barnidge Makes Incredible Catch


TNF: Good thing there's no time to talk about this games between my Dirty Birds and the Nawlins Aints.

Sunday 1pm: The Buffalo Bills continue to feature the drunkest and horniest and craziest fans as they go up against the undefeated Cincy Bagels. Johnny Fucking Football's arguing skills are probably no match for Peyton Manning's sick dad burns.

4pm-ish: The Texas Houstons hope to concuss the future London Jags into blocking for them. The Zony Cards should report uniform violations against the Iron Headed Yinzburgh StillersWill San Diego Superchargers QB Philip Rivers get pumped enough to punch out the GB Packers? My beloved Ravens look for their second victory at the Field of Jeans.

SNF: Deflategate, the Re-vengeance features a rematch of the AFC Championship consisting of AFC Finalists Indy against Super Bowl champion NE Pats. 

MNF: While the NYF G-men have a foot up in the division, the Iggles could step into a tie for first place in the incredibly parity of the NFC East.