Sunday, December 20, 2015

i <heart> nfl: coney

With Xmas around the corner, all but ten teams are still hoping Santa will bring them a trip to the playoffs, with just the Pats, Panthers, and Zony Cards having punched their tickets and seven others mathematically eliminated. For guidance in these uncertain times, consider the crazy playoff scenarios in which your team could still make it (Falcons at 0.7%, I like those odds!). Otherwise, here's the exact date your favorite team failed you. Oh, and just to make sure nothing gets too exciting around here, this week features a mere *one* game between two teams with winning records.

Look at these bandwagoners

TNF: Mustard bested ketchup as the condiment of champions as the last NFL game in St Louis eliminated the TB Bucs from playoff contention. 

SatNF: The NY J-E-T-S descend to Jerryland, welcomed by a 'Boys squadron going balls out for a much-needed win to get to that coveted 4-way NFC East tie. [Ed's Note: they did not get it]

SNF 1pm (Misconduct Tavern, Center City, Philly): The Pats' QB and hilarious moron Tom Brady looks to complete many passes to TE and Human Jock Jam the Gronk by exploiting the Titans' habit of taking some plays offThe saddest divisional showdown takes place in the AFC South, where the 6-7 Indy and Texas Houstons showcase their third string QBs. The only things worth watching in this bout between my beloved Ravens and KC Reidskins are Steve Smith trash-talking Santa and a rare Alex Smith throwing errorAs a result of Bills' RB LeSean McCoy leaving his head and heart on the dance floor, last week he hung up the telephone on former coach Chip Kelly, and now must rely on a defense of asses in a battle against the Washington Jizz Underwear, whose most supportive fans are themselvesWhile my Dirty Birds are too stubborn to succeed and feature a defense consisting of ghosts, unimpressive Jaguars QB Blake Bortles and company look to give them yet another botched snap touchdownNYFGHC Tom Coughlin should pop right back up after his team is crushed by the Panthers today.

4pm-ish: Perhaps Heinz field will be more welcoming of our religious diversity than the Q, as your featured matchup between two winning teams features the Yinzburgh Stillers hosting the Broncos. The GB Packers and QB Obi-Wan Kenobi step into the Black Hole to face the soon-to-be-former Oakland Raiders. Unlike the Falcons, the Seattle Seahawks are the quickest to admit their mistakes, yet still start shit QB Russell Wilson against the Cleveland Browns and their QB Money Manziel.

SNF: Stuck in a 3-way tie for first place with a losing record, the Philadelphia Iggles could achieve separation as they host the playoff-bound Zony Cards.

MNF: In a meaningless game to everyone, with (almost) no possible playoff implications, the Nawlins Saints host the D'town Lions.

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