Sunday, December 31, 2017

i <heart> nfl: betsy devos

Last week saw the addition of the KC Chiefs, LA Rams, NO Aints, and Carolina Panthers to the postseason roster. The final 2 spots in the AFC will go to two of the Ravens, Titans, Bills (!?), or Chargers, with the final NFC slot going to either the Falcons or Seahawks. As is done with soccer (metric football) matches, the NFL has flexed all the playoff-deciding games to 4:25pm this afternoon to ensure the outcome of one game doesn't affect the play of another. 

Sun 1pm: There's no reason to watch any of these games. Instead, spend time reflecting on 2017 and contemplating what 2018 will bring.

4:25pm on the dot: After playing like butt last week, my Dirty Birds seal their spot in the playoffs with a win as the Carolina Panthers rally around sexual harasser, dictionary definition of 'scowl', and soon-to-be-former owner Jerry Richardson. The Seahawks, otherwise, could sneak into the postseason by defeating whatever is going on between the Zony Cards and HC Bruce Arians. Whether the Jax Jags start QB Blake Bortles or his clone will dictate the difficulty of the Titans in winning their matchup, which would guarantee them a playoff spot. My beloved Ravens hope to have enough fans at M&T Bank Stadium before NYE Stoop Party Time (which starts early in Baltimore), as a win against the Hapless Cincy Bagels and their lame duck coach also guarantees a playoff ticket. The Buffalo Bills might want to keep just 11 men on the field, since they need both a win and some help, as do the LA Chargers, who finally became the team they were meant to be just when it was too late.

Saturday, December 23, 2017

i <heart> nfl: rick perry

Yours truly just returned from Asia, so apologies for no NFL update last week. Let's get things back up to speed with congratulations to the NE Pats, Yinzburgh Stillers, Jax Jags (!?), Philly Eagles, and Minnie Vikes for securing spots in the postseason. With only 2 weeks remaining in the regular season, here are the possible scenarios for your team to make it in one of the remaining seven spots. In other news, the Panthers are for sale after team owner Jerry Richardson, the type of person that the Double J insists we need more of, found himself under investigation for workplace misconduct. The XFL is getting revived as a response to national anthem protests. And the internet was p0wned for a couple hours when the Washington franchise decided to change their name to the Redhawks.

Sat 4:30pm: My beloved Ravens are running out of time to make some noise in the postseason, but helped their effort with a win over the betrothed Indy Colts. 

SatNF: In a division rivalry game of little consequence, the eliminated Packers host the NFC North Champion Minnie Vikes.

Sun 1pm: In control of their destiny, my Dirty Birds are ready to get fucking set for the playoffs by eating a W against hated division rival NO Aints and their dipshit fans. Fans of the Buffalo Bills are faced with the cold collision of reality that they likely need to win out the season, starting against a NE Pats team manely focused on banning Tom Brady's quack guru from team facilities. It turns out the 0-14 Cleveland Browns don't have real players which is why they're living in Hell as they look to give da Bears a Browns VIP experience.

4pm-ish: Bitch, the Seattle Seahawks got that lawyer money that they'll need to pay the first concussion protocol violation ever levied, as they face a Dallas Cowboys side where both teams require victory and help from their NFC compatriots in order to punch a ticket to the playoffs.

Xmas 4:30pm: The Texas Houstons turn one team's trash into little kids' treasure after the Yinzburgh Stillers left a real mess in the kitchen last week. 

XNF: After losing starting QB Carson Wentz to a season-ending ACL tear, the Eagles need to achieve plan/prayer parity with backup Nick Foles back under center, as they look for home field advantage against an Oakland Raiders squadron that was eliminated from playoff contention by the edge of a notecard.

Sunday, December 10, 2017

i <heart> nfl: ben carson

The big news this week is that NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell will remain obscenely wealthy after his $200 million five-year contract extension. Also, there's been some coach/GM firings, as you'll read below.

TNF: The NO Aints don't remember choking against my Dirty Birds in an exciting matchup featuring lots of interceptions, half-ending illegal formation penalties, WRs making open-field tackles, and a coach getting flagged for unsportsmanlike conduct. 

Sun 1pm: Good news for fans of Manningface! The NYFG have mercifully fired both head coach and general manager and QB Eli Manning is back as the starter against the underperforming Dallas Cowboys. The (Cleveland) Browns fired (GM Sashi) Brown on their way to the 0-16 parade, but at least WR Josh Gordon is back to lighting things up on the field, as they host a GB Packers team biding time until the return of Aaron Rodgers.

4pm-ish: As a fan of parlays, it's good to know that the 3-9 Denver Broncos can still make the playoffs if these 27 results go just right, the first of which is a win against the N-Y-J-E-T-S. After QB Russell Wilson prepared himself with Google and their WRs prepared themselves for shittalk with Richard Sherman, can the Seattle Seahawks perform another Galilean transformation for the win against a suddenly dangerous Jax Jags defense and their bologna-sandwich-enjoying head coach? The LA Rams have put out a literal casting call for "fans" to "cheer" for their "favorite team" against a Philly Eagles squadron that can likely boast more of their own new worst fans in attendance.

SNF: Fresh off a heated division rivalry that witnessed players lost to injury and suspension alike, the Yinzburg Steelers face another heated division rivalry in my beloved yet not-quite-elite Ravens looking to eat another W

MNF: QB, purveyor of awkward social media, and whiny bitch Tom Brady is going to be with one less target after NE Pats TE Gronk was suspended for a bullshit late hit, as they take on a MIA Fins side that, err...., really loves football.

Sunday, December 3, 2017

i <heart> nfl: eric hargan

With great sadness I report the unfortunate situation that is the end of Manningface for the season. With surprising constancy at the HC position yet not the QB position, the 'classy' NYFG botched Eli's benching and will be the last franchise to start a black quarterback in the form of Geno Smith (fresh from the other NY team). Given the paucity of middling QB performance in the NFL, Manning will likely be traded in time to make silly faces for us next season.

TNF: Even after stuffing the defense, the Washington [Redacted] were in no color rush to defeat division rival Dallas Cowboys, whose QB Dak Prescott is starting to connect with star WR Dez Bryant.

Sun 1pm: Starting to resemble their 2016 NFC Championship form, my Dirty Birds look to party like it's 1998 as they bring the Minnesota Vikings to their new nestThe Jimmy Garoppolo era begins for the Santa Clara 49ers against da Bears, who aside from trying not to disappoint their mothers, don't know exactly what they're doing. No need for high fives with my beloved Ravens embodying the life lesson of "you don’t have to be good all the time, only when people are watching," as their elite punter keeps them in the playoff picture because the AFC is dogshit this season and face a D'town Lions team that can't even implode their old stadium. The Broncos and Dolphins face each other live from QB purgatory.

4pm-ish: Zony Cards backup QB Blaine Gabbert gets a bad rap 'because he was on really shitty teams,' but now he's dialing up W's yet will have a hard time against an LA Rams team that doesn't have time for your fancy celebrations, featuring a re-made QB Jared Goff primed for a playoff push. Which hat will Carolina Panthers QB Cam Newton wear against a potentially over-conservative NO Aints squadron in this decisive NFC South matchup?

SNF: Philadelphia Eagles QB Prince Harry needs to take care of that premature explosion problem before his wedding night as he faces the toughest defense of his breakout season in the Seattle Seahawks.

MNF: After miraculously escaping a loss to the GB Pack last week, the Yinzburgh Steelers have to watch out for a Cincy Bagels squad that's out to ruin their Christmas.