With great sadness I report the unfortunate situation that is the end of Manningface for the season. With surprising constancy at the HC position yet not the QB position, the 'classy' NYFG botched Eli's benching and will be the last franchise to start a black quarterback in the form of Geno Smith (fresh from the other NY team). Given the paucity of middling QB performance in the NFL, Manning will likely be traded in time to make silly faces for us next season.
TNF: Even after stuffing the defense, the Washington [Redacted] were in no color rush to defeat division rival Dallas Cowboys, whose QB Dak Prescott is starting to connect with star WR Dez Bryant.
Sun 1pm: Starting to resemble their 2016 NFC Championship form, my Dirty Birds look to party like it's 1998 as they bring the Minnesota Vikings to their new nest. The Jimmy Garoppolo era begins for the Santa Clara 49ers against da Bears, who aside from trying not to disappoint their mothers, don't know exactly what they're doing. No need for high fives with my beloved Ravens embodying the life lesson of "you don’t have to be good all the time, only when people are watching," as their elite punter keeps them in the playoff picture because the AFC is dogshit this season and face a D'town Lions team that can't even implode their old stadium. The Broncos and Dolphins face each other live from QB purgatory.
4pm-ish: Zony Cards backup QB Blaine Gabbert gets a bad rap 'because he was on really shitty teams,' but now he's dialing up W's yet will have a hard time against an LA Rams team that doesn't have time for your fancy celebrations, featuring a re-made QB Jared Goff primed for a playoff push. Which hat will Carolina Panthers QB Cam Newton wear against a potentially over-conservative NO Aints squadron in this decisive NFC South matchup?
SNF: Philadelphia Eagles QB Prince Harry needs to take care of that premature explosion problem before his wedding night as he faces the toughest defense of his breakout season in the Seattle Seahawks.
MNF: After miraculously escaping a loss to the GB Pack last week, the Yinzburgh Steelers have to watch out for a Cincy Bagels squad that's out to ruin their Christmas.