Sunday, October 25, 2015

i <heart> nfl: hudson

We're already in Week 7 and facing existential football questions such as what the definition of a catch is. After Devonta Freeman's TD was called back, we now have the same situation ruled a TD, by none other than noted touchdown-controversialist Golden Tate. In these trying times of confusion and murkiness, at least we have the bedrock of certitude that Mike Ditka farted on Monday Night Countdown.

I bring you the worst fake play in NFL history

TNF: Although the only speeding Seattle RB's Marshawn Lynch and Fred Jackson have been doing is off the field, they still managed to dispose of a Niners franchise that doesn't trust its QB.

SMF: The West Coast Experience begins at 9:30am with the Bills defense arguing with head coach Rex Ryan about how best to use them, as they take on the soon-to-be domiciled Jaguars in their future hometown of London, in a game so unimportant you can only watch it for free streaming on Yahoo. Tally-ho!

Sunday 1pm (Misconduct Tavern, Center City, Philly): The D'town Lions will be forced to play without the support of these superfans as they host division rival Minnesota Vikings. Since Titans rookie QB Marcus Mariota is out with a sprained MCL, Titans backup QB Zach Mettenberger is free to take selfies of himself being defeated by my Dirty Birds. Miami QB Ryan Tannehill can anticipate being beaten by the practice squad known as the Texas Houstons. Tampa Bay RB Doug Martin will attempt to transform from the Muscle Hamster into anything else, but preferably the Douggernaut, against the long con that is the DC Fightin' Snyders. With WR Josh Gordon suspended for substance abuse, what will the Cleveland Browns do about the burning grass in St. Louis? Perhaps now is the time to find out if Sonic is still open. Since J-E-S-T QB Ryan Fitzpatrick went to Harvard, he's probably too smart to fall for the fraud of Tom Brady's personal guru.

4pm-ish: Oakland Raiders owner Mark Davis may soon be shortening the commute required to get his horrible haircut as imminent cohabitor of LA, the San Diego Superchargers, host them at their vaguish 90's-sounding and imminently forgettable stadium. And the Double J and his Cowboys check into Snoopy Stadium against the NYF G-men and the many faces of Eli Manning. And that's it for this time slot. WTF, NFL!?

SNF: The well-rested Carolina Panthers will attempt to jam it back in against the Philadelphia Iggles and their deteriorating QB.

MNF: My beloved Ravens could recover from their disastrous 1-5 start by sleeping with WR Steve Smith's wife, as they take on the Zony Cards.

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