i <heart> nfl: woodlawn

Many an NFL observer has noticed the preponderance of ads this season for daily fantasy football leagues DraftKings and FanDuel, of which Drew Magary has a nice takedown. Unlike the season-long fantasy football you play to keep in touch with high school friends or talk shit to your boss [Full disclosure: I am playing my boss this week... and he is going down!] while putting some money on the line, daily fantasy football involves drafting a new team every week while playing in pools with thousands of strangers. The players you draft are also open to other teams, so just because you have Julio Jones, you are also playing against him in most of your leagues. In fact, you pretty much have to build predictive market algorithms to win a decent number of these contests. So recognize this for what it is, another attempt to separate suckers from their money, while the companies running these sites are already raking in twice that of Vegas bookmakers. Oh, and FanDuel stole the likeness of former Georgia Tech players.

You're going the wrong way!!!

TNF: Like fucking clockwork, as soon as the Steelers are commended for being the smartest team in football, they go 0 for 4 on 4th downs, resulting in an overtime loss to my beloved Ravens that surely had something to do with not having a kicker.

SMF: Tally ho! We're halfway through the NFL's plan to put a franchise in London, which means East Coast fans get the West Coast experience of drinking at 9:30am. The J-E-T-S QB and bum ass Geno Smith, rightfully the team most concerned with butts, look to roll over the MIA Fins, who will then promptly fire their coach. FUN FACT: a coach playing in a London game has been fired in four of the last five seasons 

Sunday 1pm (PJ Leahy's, LIC): Panthers QB Cam Newton will mature against the hapless TB Bucs, but how old does he need to be to get that call. After finally throwing a touchdown to a receiver, the KC Chiefs are hosted by the dominant Cincy Bagels and their secondary consisting of trash and fuckboys. Historically finishing every possession with a punt last week, da Bears might want to try something different against the surprisingly winful Oakland Juggalos. Matty Ice and my Dirty Birds host the Texas Houstons and whoever the fuck they start at QB. The DC Fightin' Snyders look to slow down the fast-paced Chip Kelly Iggles offense with their terrible turf. And the Colts might be feeling un-Luck-y as QB Andrew Luck might sit his first game ever, but then again, they're Luck-y enough to be playing the Jaguars this week. 

4pm-ish: The offense can't figure out whether they want Johnny Fucking Football back under center or not, as they travel to sunny San Diego to face the Superchargers. Much was made of Niners coach and doormat salesman Jim Tomsula taking happy hour a little early, but really who cares cause they're gonna lose to the Pack.

SNF: I was looking forward to backup QBs starting against each other in prime time, but it looks like the Aints will be the asses they are and start Drew Brees, as the Romo-less Cowboys check into the Hotel Katrina.

MNF: Yes, we need the matchup with the highest spread as the Monday Night Game, pitting the D'town Lions against the Seattle Seahawks, in a game that should banish the Lions from prime time for good.