Well everyone killed themselves last week, by which I refer to suicide pools. Suicide pools, the first of which I am playing in this season, consist of picking a different team each week that has to win, or you're out. Last week's upsets of Tampa Bay, Oakland, and Jax over Nawlins, Bodymore, and Miami, respectively, cleared the entire field, causing my pool to restart. Wondering how often this happens, I'm almost motivated to use math and statistics to figure this out. Nah, gametime is almost here!
I hear you've got cheese in there. GIVE ME THE CHEESE
TNF: For the first time this season, the NYF G-men didn't embarrassingly blow a double-digit lead in the 4th quarter, and instead stood tall against the DC Fightin' Snyders and their inept social media.
Sun 1pm: (PJ Leahy's, LIC) Cleveland Browns QB and noted helicopter Josh McCown will start over Johnny Fucking Football against the previously metal Oakland Raiders, although the Raiders have yet to don their Super Bowl 50 bling. Donald Trump is staking his campaign on the Eliteness of Joe Flacco, QB of my delicately winless Bodymore Ravens, meaning there's no way we're talking about them come January, as they host the most talented Cincy Bagels. Lil Jon and my Dirty Birds look to take the Double J even lower, although he already is "just about as low as a crippled cricket's ass" after the breaking of Cowboys QB Tony Romo's clavicle last week. Can Boltman strike twice as the mascot-less Vikings host the past and future LA Superchargers? Chip Kelly and his Philadelphia Iggles will try not to outsmart themselves against a now dominant-looking J-E-T-S squadron. When I heard the Steelers were playing smarter, I thought the on-field average IQ jumped due to a Big Ben injury. Sadly no, they're just continuing to go for two against the past and future LA Rams. Oh and what a treat to have both McCowns on the field, since Drew Brees' injury will compel the Aints to start their backup generators against the Panthers.
4pm-ish: With zero wins between them, Seattle Safety Kam Chancellor returns to save the day as they look to negotiate a win against da Bears. We all know Bay Area residents get drunk on their own farts, rendering second-half booze bans ineffective, as the Niners face off against division rival Zony Cards. The MIA Fins will be freelancing their dysfunction to the benefit of the Buffalo Bills.
SNF: The D'town Lions host rickety old man Peyton Manning and his Broncos, who continue to abandon their head coach's offensive schemes.
MNF: Packers QB Aaron Rodgers is looking for divine intervention against the KC Reidskins in a game He doesn't care about.