Welcome to another season of your favorite source of metabolic cascades of dysfunction! Yet again the season outlook threads the needle to appear just before opening Sunday, but alas my thoughts were occupied elsewhere. Without further ado, congratulations to the World Champion(*) New England Pats!
(*) The Pats, you may remember, where accused of deflating footballs in their AFC Championship victory over the Colts, delightfully causing much of America to talk about balls for months on end. NE QB and destroyer of cell phones Tom Brady was suspended for 4 games, which was overturned on appeal due to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell's autocratic and arbitrary justice system. It recently came out that the Ginger Hammer went so hard on the Pats because the other team owners were still mad about the Pats getting away with Spygate.
Your coveted season outlook, in alphabetical order by division/proper team name (Las Vegas game wins over/under in parentheses):
New England Pats (10.5): Real football battles happen not on the gridiron, but in the courtroom, which is where Tom Brady's 4-game suspension was overturned. Even though their defense is terrible, the Pats will probably yet again make it to the playoffs because their division (and really the AFC in general) is terrible.
NY J-E-S-T (7.0): The draft having not been in NYC this year, a Chicago news team helpfully impersonated Jets' fans booing of everything. Meanwhile the Jets are off to quite a J-E-S-T-Y start, with starting QB Geno Smith getting his jaw broken in a locker room brawl, resulting in several weeks of missed action. His temporary replacement is everyone's favorite Hahhhhhvahhhhhd grad. Jest Endure The Suffering.
Miami Dolphins (9.0): The storied franchise of the Miami Dolphins is the only NFL team to go undefeated, in 1972.
Bodymore Ravens (9.0): Of any team that should know that snitches get stitches, B'more denied tipping Indy off to NE's deflated balls. With the loss of WR Torrey Smith and DT Haloti Ngata, the season outcome remains in the hands of QB Joe Flacco, who is in a delicate quantum superposition of |ELITE> and |NOT ELITE>.
Cincinnati Bagels (8.5): Achieving the landmark of not winning a playoff game in the last 25 years is punctuated that they made it to the playoff the past 4 seasons and lost by a combined score of 103-43.
Cleveland Browns (6.5): Now in a deeper shade of orange, the Browns are host to a Quarterback controversy as neither Johnny Fucking Football or Josh McCown is capable enough to start. They got rid of their star stoner wideout only to bring in another on in the form of Dwayne Bowe asking the cops if Sonic is still open.
Yinzburgh Steelers (8.5): Their coach looks like a bullfrog and their QB looks like Will Farrell playing an idiot rapist. This team employs local cops as fixers and is solely responsible for the eventual ruin of this great game. Also, they applaud the destruction of kids' trophies.
Texas Houstons (8.5): The supremacy of the Houstons' defense will, for another season, be overshadowed by a pathetic offense, consisting of two former Tom Brady backups, the lack of Andre Johnson, and an injured atheist.
Indy Snitches (10.5): Your 2014 AFC Finalists, the Colts will likely again win their division with lethal combination of participation, attendance, self-esteem, gumption, and teamwork.
Jacksonville Baguars (5.5): Not even having the distinction of one of the teams possibly moving to LA next season, they will probably end up in London instead. Or perhaps just a virtual cyber football team, not worthy of taking up actual space and precious oxygen. Seriously, their London game will be broadcast for free over the internet and won't even air on live television.
Tennessee Titans (5.5): It's good the Titans picked up rookie QB Marcus Mariota, because their former starter Zach Mettenberger will certainly be annihilated by JJ Watt over their argument over selfies, cause 2015.
Denver Broncos (10.0): After firing the entire coaching staff because ancient QB Peyton Manning can't feel his fingertips, the Broncos had to get rid of everyone else due to the combined salary of Peyton and WR Demaryius Thomas. Having instituted a fart tax, the coaching staff is only encouraging the inevitable implosion that we will be witness to.
KC Chiefs (8.5): After throwing ZERO touchdowns to wideouts last season, the Chiefs added WR Jeremy Maclin to the roster to enhance the non-scoring action. At least all the fans in the stadium will be more concerned with their food poisoning than Head Coach Andy Reid's horrible game management decisions.
Oakland Raiders (5.5): Continuing as a team of retreads, the Raiders unsurprisingly signed RB Trent Richardson in the offseason, in their last season in Oakland before packing up and moving to LA.
San Diego Superchargers (8.0): The other team that's probably moving to LA, this season was thought to be their last chance for glory, with their franchise QB Phillip Rivers refusing to play in the godless metropolis of Los Angeles. However, it seems $65 million in guaranteed money has changed that tune.
Dallas Cowboys (9.5): It's unfortunate that this team looks so good this year, given the strength of their o-line, with underwear bandits and women batterers for players, presidential aspirants as fans, and a serial groper as an owner.
NY Football Giants (8.0): This team's most notable recent news is DE Jason Pierre Paul blowing off a finger playing with fireworks on Independence Day and WR Odell Beckham Jr getting laid. Credit this to Head Coach Tom Coughlin's old-man penchant for consistency.
Philadelphia Eagles (9.5): Head Coach Chip Kelly implemented a fast-paced offense, not foot any football reason, but just to get the game over with quicker, giving Iggles fans ample time to fight fans of opposing teams, themselves, and any hitchhicking robots that might be coming through. Now that Kelly has control of personnel decisions, he completely blew up the team, wreaking havoc on sporting goods stores trying to keep the correct jerseys in stock. PRO TIP: keep the white player jerseys. Yet his defenders argue he's just a non-racist tyrant.
Da Bears (7.0): Absolutely everything sucked about da Bears last season, and looks to continue in that general vane, with the added bonus of the entire Denver Broncos coaching staff.
D'town Lions (8.5): After stomping it to the divisional round last season, the Lions decided to let their defense go and put everything in the hands of overfed mega-bruh QB Matt Stafford.
Green Bay Packers (11.0): The best thing about the Packers last season is that their embarrassing NFC title choke of a 12-point lead with two minutes remaining to the Seahawks will forever be overshadowed by the Seahawks' Super Bowl choke to the Pats.
Minnesota Vikings (7.0): Noted child abuser RB Adrian Peterson is back! Let's see how all that goes. Only one more season outdoors, Vikings fans, before you move into your new bird-genocide sand-crawler of a stadium.
ATL Dirty Birds (8.0): My Dirty Birds were fined a draft pick for piping in fake crowd noise, but their biggest problem was blowing 21-point halftime leads. That should keep new Head Coach Dan Quinn, formerly the Seahawks' DC, busily improving the worst defensive team of 2014.
Carolina Panthers (8.5): Look forward to another season of stout defense coupled with run-only plays, as all receiving threats for the Panthers have already been injured.
NO Aints (9.0): The Aints will implode in a burst of colorful dysfunction this season, as they rid themselves of star TE Jimmy Graham, dumped $18 million on a LB they cut, their defense still sucks, and the team is currently a bargaining chip in the Benson family feud. Who DAT!?
Tampa Bay Bucs (6.0): Did the Bucs just spend their first overall pick on a crab-leg stealing, pick-throwing, rapist? Yes, but they also have a Pinteresting plan to attract more female fans in spite of this.
Santa Clara 49ers (7.5): Like their former stadium, this team has already imploded. After blowing up the team, the owners promoted sad defensive line coach to sad head coach, half the defense retired, and they kept the hashtag savant QB around.
Seattle Seahawks (11.0): If inside slant passes are wrong, then I don't wanna be right! After snatching defeat from the jaws of victory in the last Super Bowl, the Seahawks are again a favored team with the addition of TE Jimmy Graham and QB Russell Wilson's scam water.
StL Rams (8.0): The Rams upgraded their perennially-getting-injured early in the season QB for a QB that usually gets injured in the middle of the season. The defense should be good though, so the Rams can at least fieldgoal themselves to victory a few times this season.
Zony Cards (8.5): The most bandwagon fans in the NFL. Math says it, so it must be true! Plus they've got RB Chris 'Cop Speed' Johnson now ready to make the dash from Sheriff Joe.