Sunday, September 20, 2015

i <heart> nfl: wakefield

It's been relatively quiet since we put Week 1 in the books, so let's talk about brain trauma! An ongoing study recently reported that CTE was evident in the brains of 87 of 91 former NFL players. I like those odds! And the upcoming Will Smith vehicle "Concussion" will premiere Christmas Day, just in time for you to feel guilty about watching the playoffs.

Look! I can spin around!

TNF: A surgical extraction of Defeat from the Jaws of Victory was flawlessly performed by the KC Chiefs in the form of two late-half turnovers for touchdowns, brought to you by the worst game management seen in the NFL since, I dunno, the last time the Giants played.

Sunday 1pm: (PJ Leahy's, LIC or maybe somewhere in Williamsburg) Tom Brady wants to Make America Great Again by eating more 'Merican coins than the Bills ever couldThe Texas Houstons refuse to state which shitty QB they'll start and instead will rely on their shitty turf to halt the run-heavy Carolina Panthers. I'll be giving out 3.5's instead of high-fives for every touchdown my Dirty Birds score against the NY Football Giants. The Yinzburgh Steelers can look forward to operating headsets, since they're not playing in NE this week, and instead host the surprisingly dominant Santa Clara Niners. The DC Fighting Snyders will show off their Native American-ness to the StL Rams. Due to the animated GIF above, Johnny Fucking Football will instead start his Browns against the capable rookie QB Marcus Mariota and his Flaming Thumbtacks.

4pm-ish: The future London Jags hope to set some sad records, as they face off against the MIA Fins. The Oakland Raiders look to add defending under the influence to their rap sheet as they host my beloved Bodymore Ravens. Can the Philadelphia Iggles get a papal blessing as they entertain hated division rival Dallas Cowboys?

SNF: Yet another replay of the famous Fail Mary game involving the Seahawks and Packers, but without the scab referees.

MNF: The return of Fireman Ed to J-E-S-T fandom will be more than enough to make the country pine for the glory days of the Buttfumble, as they face the Indy Snitches.

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