Sunday, September 10, 2017

i <heart> nfl: 2017 season outlook

Welcome back to another season of the NFL! This season couldn't start any sooner as to put distance between now and the horror that was the fourth quarter of the Super Bowl. That was the election night of Super Bowls. The NE Pats overcoming of a 28-3 deficit should inspire every Tawwwwmy from Quinzeee who's down for the count in their candlestick bowling league from then to eternity #notbitter. Anyway, the Pats Thursday night game should help me put all this behind us, because Angry Tom Brady is the first meme of the NFL season:

So congratulations to the NE Pats on yet another Championship (uggggggggh). Now for your much coveted season outlook!

AFC East:

New England Pats (12.5): The official team of the alt-right, the NE Pats continue to be the "scrappiest" team in the NFL. QB and regular haver of concussions Tom Brady rivals racist fanboy Alex Jones in snake oil product placement. This team tries so hard to promulgate a spotless image that former TE Aaron Hernandez had to kill himself to void his conviction. Coach Bill Belichick will inspire you to bring maximum effort to your workplace for the foreseeable future. They also have the most unimpressive, bandwagon fans in the league.

NY J-E-S-T (5.0): The brother of a backup generator will lead a historically awful offense at the QB position ahead of Sackenberg, who's knocking the press down more than Turkish PM Recep Tayyip Erdo─čan. This squadron is openly embracing Armageddon and already looking to tank the season. Extra Vicodin should help you Just Endure The Suffering. This team will be so bad the federal government will consider re-regulating the airlines.

Buffalo Bills (6.0): The Ryan Brothers got shit-canned and now there's a whole new sheriff in town. No longer entertained by the coaches, the fans will have to pull their weight to prevent this team from falling into sweet irrelevance. This team made WR Anquan Boldin retire after being with them for two weeks.

MIA Fins (7.5): The very finest NFL team, in every aspect except on the playing field, the Dolphins made it to the Wild Card Weekend last season only to be annihilated by the Steelers in a game that was so cold that the ref's whistle frozeIt's a good thing quarterback isn't an athletic position because the new QB is smokin' Jay Cutler, thanks to Tannehill's season-ending ACL tear and Cutler's wife being tired of him hanging around the houseMake sure your children are vaccinated before you bring them to home games.

AFC North:

Bodymore Ravens (9.0): Players have been fleeing the sinking ship that is my beloved Ravens faster than they can be replaced, with shit-talking WR Stever Smith, Sr retiring and the backup center going to MIT to pursue a Math Ph.D. QB and remorseful buyer of massage chairs Joe Flacco is suffering from a disc injury yet the Ravens' owner isn't bold enough to sign C-Kaep. The kicker is this team's MVP.

Cincinnati Bagels (8.5): Finally having not immediately lost in the playoffs by virtue of not making it there, the Cincy Bagels continue to excel in senseless violence on the field and offOn D, you can S that.

Cleveland Browns (4.5): Playing five different quarterbacks and winning one game is a situation the Browns certainly look to improve on. I, for one, fully expect them to achieve QB-W parity this season. Rookie QB DeShone Kizer is confident they'll win the Super Bowl.

Yinzburgh Steelers (10.5): It seemed that star RB Le'Veon Bell was holding out for a contract this offseason, when he really was just avoiding a brutal training camp that's the reason the O-line will look like they're in Week 15 in the first game of thes season. At least they're not in pain. This criminal fan base attacks their own grandmothers and yet I still wish they beat the Pats in the AFC Championship game last year. Big Ben is too concussed to remember to retire.

AFC South:

Jax Jaguars (6.0): If you're looking for a team that plays pretty bad at every position, yet isn't bold enough to embrace failure, the Jacksonville Baguars are for you! Have fun cheering on your starting QB Blake Bortles, who is regressing faster than our fair nation and the world at large, a defense that defends themselves from making defensive plays, and... deep breathe... the return of Old Man Tom Coughlin's sunburnt-enhanced red face yelling at players, referees, and the public in general. On the plus side, you've got the most offensively creative mascots in the league.

Tennessee Titans (8.5): The Official Team of Thursday Night Football (tm), the Titans are currently the ninth most popular football team in the state of Tennessee. If QB Marcus Mariota can stay healthy, the Titans stand a reasonable chance of winning their dogshit division.

Texas Houstons (8.5): Last season the junior varsity Houstons went 5-1 their division yet 4-6 against actual football teams, making them the only playoff team with a -49 net point differential. At least they solved their Brock Osweiler problem, but will still be starting Tom Savage under center. The defense might be formidable if JJ Watt and Jadeveon Clowney ever play in a game at the same time.

Indy (9.0): That it took two years for QB Andrew Luck to have shoulder surgery says something about the state of health care in Indiana. This is the team who's coach doesn't understand cause and effectslides into the DMs of StL Rams fans, has a flip-flop wearing GM, cuts their best defensive player for kneeling during the anthem, and hilariously mangles fake punt attempts. This season, the Colts plan to keep swinging the axe and chopping wood one day at a time while sticking to the process because the biggest game is the next game and nothing else matters because one day the tree will fall. They should put the mascot on the field.

AFC West:

Denver Broncos (8.5): Coach Gary Kubiak retired due to something worse than mini-strokes, which means a penis-rubbing pervert will be in charge this season. While not shooting themselves in the leg, the league's top-ranked defense will be wondering why the offense can't score damn points. It's because your QB is Trevor Siemian, silly! Backup QB and Von Miller's favorite person Brock Osweiler makes it back to Denver a year after leaving.

KC Chiefs (9.0): For the past several years, the Chiefs have quietly put together winning seasons. But whenever there's any excitement in a playoff, the Chiefs puke all over themselves both figuratively and literally. But after firing their GM a month before training camp and departing with some successful veterans, will KC be good enough to make the playoffs and only to disappoint their fans enough that they abandon their grills?

Oakland(ish) Raiders (10.0): Oh Snap! After being the most exciting team in the AFC last season, EDM DJ and QB Derek Carr broke his leg, and the Raiders fizzled in the playoffs. Beast Mode is here fresh out of retirement and Carr promises to give him the ball on the 1-yard line. This Raiders franchise is all about loyalty, which is why they're moving to Las Vegas in a couple years.  

San Diego LA Superchargers (7.5): After forsaking the city that loved them for 57 years, the Chargers are becoming the second NFL franchise Los Angeles doesn't want. This professionally incompetent team rolled out a logo that lasted less than a day, is coached by a guy who is only notable for having lived in my neighborhood, and features Tony Romo 2.0 committing atrocious picks. No word yet on whether masturbating security guards and untimely player death will follow them to LA.

NFC East:

Dallas Cowboys (9.5): The 'Boys exited the playoffs with a clutch catch and now QB and leghead Dak Prescott looks to regress the team from last year's solid performance. But as usual, most Cowboys news happens off the field, starting with cutting a WR who was a victim of identity theft. Next, star RB Ezekiel Elliott is eventually serving a six-game suspension at some point for domestic abuse while the team and league work to slut-shame the victim. Bonus play is the same RB pulling down a woman's shirt at a parade. I wonder if there's a Jerry-ism for this.

NY Football Giants (9.0): A team that embodies all nine tenets of constancy, the NYFG will continue to be remembered for boat parties, losing to kicking nets, and being hungry for kangaroo. Criminal mastermind, QB, and currently sole provider of Manningface Eli Manning is set to provide another season of parity between beautifully drawn up plays and catastrophic boners.

Philadelphia Eagles (8.0): Playing in a stadium where the most winning team is Temple University, the Eagles begin their sophomore year of QB and white-guy-who-hunts Carson Wentz. Coached by yes-man Doug Peterson, the Eagles will continue to excel at signing free agents that tank, ejecting reporters from the press box, and throwing batteries at Santa Claus. 

Washington [Redacted] (7.5): Reminiscent of the current administration, the [Redacted]'s organization features only dysfunction and no competence. To wit, [Redacted]'s QB Kurt Cousins got paid after bungling the negotiation, they fired and then smeared their GM right before the Combine, and even Kellyanne Conway performed a standup routine ripping them. On the plus side, the Supreme Court decided that disparaging trademarks are now permitted, so yay (?). On the sideline, the [Redacted] will be coached by handyman-sounding-guy Jay Gruden with help from actual handyman Jim Tomsula.

NFC North:

Da Bears (5.5): To the delight of fans of da Bears, they parted ways with their shitty quarterback only to replace him with the horror of perma-pubescent Mike Glennon, titty-kissing Mitchell "Not Mitch" Trubinsky, and Mark Sanchize under center. Averaging -7 passing yards per half is a sure way to wrestle the mantle of shittiness away from the Browns.

D'town Lions (8.5): Calvin Johnson understands the futility of the Lions, and you should too. Matt Stafford is plays football with half a frontal lobe and that was before he attended the University of Georgia. Senator Kid Rock will preside over the demise of this team and all of humanity.

Green Bay Packers (10.0): The storied GB Pack features a fan base unironically fat-shamed the star running back out of town, an RB corps that consists entirely of wide receivers, a QB that gets irritable bowel from the state's chief export and whose ex-GF is now a Vikings fan, the most conservative offensive play-calling this side of Steve Bannon, and no defense. The Packers will be starting Aaron Rodgers' mustache under center.

Minnesota Vikings (8.5): After blowing a 5-0 lead last season, the seaman of the Vikingship Gjallarhorn mutinied and the Vikings missed the playoffs. They play in a stadium known for avicide, not being a homeless shelter, and having Adrian Peterson dragged through a sports bar. The Vikings are expected to continue finding innovative ways to commit turnovers and their coach is exploring new methods of stuffed animal massacre.

NFC South:

ATL Dirty Birds (9.5): I root for a team that cannot perform basic football functions such as holding a 25-point lead.

Carolina Panthers (8.5): After a season most memorable for head shots, the Panthers finally added some help at RB so that QB Cam Newton doesn't have to produce 99% of the offense. While questionable in social media regarding use of Instagramtheir Twitter game remains strong.

NO Aints (8.0): QB and corporate shill Drew Brees will again throw for thousands of yards per game, yet still be stymied by a defense with all the structural integrity of the 17th Street levee. The Saints organization was so happy with the Pats victory over the Falcons that they gave them their best receiver as congratulations. On top of that, the Saints traded for RB Adrian Peterson, who will find Louisiana accommodating as someone who believes in the all-encompassing power of corporal punishment.

Tampa Bay Bucs (8.5): It is yet to be seen if the Bucs decade of futility is over, as they cut the kicker they drafted in the 2nd round, employ a coach that has vast experience calling shitty plays, and are relying on the leadership of the spokesman for the rape version of stop snitching.

NFC West:

Santa Clara 49ers (4.5): I hope fans of this team don't like running plays, cause your new coach is Kyle Shannan, of former fame as Falcons OC who ran the ball five times in the second half of the Super Bowl, much to my chagrin. Pining for the glory days of five years ago, this team is so terrible that the players retire just so they can make fun of the QB and the defense isn't even as aggressive and violent as their own fansThe most exciting things to happen in these games will be idiots running onto the field, celebrating touchdowns that didn't happen, and not dying of heat stroke.  

Seattle Seahawks (10.5): Head Coach Pete Carroll is slowly melting the steel beams that used to be the Seattle Seahawks. This team is roiling beneath the surface, with flying punches thrown at training camp and Richard Sherman's grudge against Russell Wilson for throwing at the 1-yard line. Let's see if it it boils over this season.

Los Angeles Rams (5.5): 

Zony Cards (8.0): After a respectable season in 2015, the Cards fell into a trashcan last year and have been stuck ever since. The addition of Yo Gabbert Gabbert as backup QB in the offseason all but guarantees this franchise will go 3-13.

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