i <heart> nfl: larry fitzgerald

Well the one-sided primetime matchups don't get much worse than last week, which saw blowouts in all three of TNF, SNF and MNF, but it did feature the best penalty ever. If everything goes as planned, the teams I root for could both end up in 1st place in their respective divisions this week (!?).

For all those Euros that don't like our sport named "football"

TNF: The Miami Fins have taken a solid hold of 2nd place in the AFC East with their win over the Buffalo Bills. Bills fans continue to excel at being drunk.

Sun 1pm (couch!): Da Bears are so sad that Chicago sportswriters can't bring themselves to write headlines describing them, and they will be cold as well, as they're hosting the University of Minnesota in the first snow football of the season! The Who Dat!-Who Dey! Bowl takes place in a meeting of Bagels and Aints, teams both featuring idiotic fan bases. Noted Dirty Bird fan hosts his favorite team, in what looks like the making of a Play 60 commercial. In a metaphor for their season, the Washington Fredskins' team buses crashed into each other, and they face another wreck in the form of the Tampa Bay Bucs. The Seattle Seahawks, like the beer their stadium sells, have been watered down as they face the streaking KC Reidskins.

4pm-ish (Misconduct Tavern, Center City, Philly?): Can the Iggles steamroll the offensive force of the Packers, as Aaron Rodgers was injured by inactivity by last week's blowout of da Bears? The Sanchize Era is here in Philadelphia! Surprisingly competent teams face off in the desert as the Zony Cards host the D'town Lions. And the San Diego forecast calls for sun and a 90% chance of stabbings as they host the Oakland Raiders.

SNF: The Patriots can thank their racist fans in prime time as they are hosted by the Indy Fighting Amish.

MNF: Former dreamy QB Kurt Warner has been trying to disprove the Theory of Evolution by citing Ben Roethlisberger, whose devolution against the J-E-T-S last week was widely blamed by the enigmatic Curse of the Beiber. Such mysticism and half-truths are quite fitting this week, as the Yinzburgh Stillers travel to the remote backwoods of southern Kentucky to face the mythical Tennessee Titans.