Sunday, September 11, 2016

i <heart> nfl: 2016 season outlook

Welcome back to another season of "the best game that's ever been fucking invented"!!! NFL Commissioner The Ginger Hammer made sure all your favorite players are suspended for the first few games of the season, but that's okay. We've had *loads* of #hottakes for you regarding C-Kaep not standing for the national anthem! We're *still* talking about Deflategate/Ballghazi! But first, congratulations to the Denver Broncos for winning Super Bowl XXXXX!

This season, in order to make this blog more interactive, I will use the comments section for irreverent observations during the game. And I encourage you too, as well!

AFC East:

New England Pats: The Ginger Hammer neglected Donald Trump's advice, so Dreamboat 2.0 will be starting under center for the first four games of the season since starting QB, fancy dog, and inept operator of scissors Tom Brady will finally serve his suspension for deflating footballsThis drop-kicking, Dementor's-kissing, Trump-supporting, murderer-loving, frivolous-lawsuit-filing, conspiracy-theorizing team and every Tommy from Quinzee fan can get nuts wiped on their face.

NY J-E-S-T: Everyone's favorite Harvard grad, former broccoli stalk, and consecutive pick-thrower Ryan Fitzpatrick returns to lead this merry band of rapscallions. Given the sorry state of NYC airports, the Jets are an apt name for a team that will inevitably end up in a fireball so large that Fireman Ed can't extinguish it. 

Buffalo Bills: The Ryan brothers finally reunited! I look forward to another season of the drunkest fans in the NFL.

AFC North:

Cincinnati Bagels: After looking to shed their *long* playoff drought, Cincy destructed on themselves with a Jeremy Hill fumble followed by back-to-back personal fouls, putting the hated Yinzburgh Stillers in field goal range FTW [Full disclosure: Burfict Strangers is another fantasy football team managed by yours truly]. This Bungle was the saddest thing to happen in Cincy until they shot Harambe, and the dead gorilla remains yet more popular in southern Ohio than this franchise. Their starting tight end is still injured from the pro bowl and the town racially profiles their own running backs. Given the changes in decision-makers from the most recent failed playoff game (none), we can look forward to yet another repeat.

Cleveland Browns: No longer the saddest sports town in Ohio (that would be Cincy) with the Cavs winning the NBA title, the Cape of Sadness has been retired in thinking some of that curse has been lifted from the Browns. We'll find out if the ghost of RGIII can replace the void left by the hard-partying Johnny Football.

Yinzburgh Steelers: While star running back Le'Veon Bell misses the first three games due to smoking the ganj, WR Antonio Brown might be the perfect piece to fit into this offense. James Harrison wishes you would #putsomerespekwhenyoumention[his]name since he can play medicine ball volleyball while not using performance-enhancing drugs. Will Ferrell as an idiot rapist is still under center, and I can actively look forward to another season of his body falling apart.

AFC South:

Texas Houstons: In the off-season, Texas spent big money on QB Brock Osweiler, who was no better that hospice-care level Peyton Manning, and funding anti-gay PACs. We'll be spared JJ Watt, who is almost as insufferable as Russell Wilson on social media, for a few games due to a lingering back injury.

Indy: Today we learn whether or not the Colts ruined the other great QB from the draft class of 2012. Indy QB and Hodor impersonator Andrew Luck returns from injury and we'll see if he still likes those hard hits. This is about the same team as last year with the exception of Antonio Cromartie joining and his number of kids doubling the state population.

AFC West:

Denver Broncos: After winning the Super Bowl, decrepit old man Peyton Manning finally retired, leaving Trevor Siemian to get Emmanual Sanders' rocks off. The defense is still stacked, led by Super Bowl MVP, chicken farmer, and the new face of Old Spice Von Miller.

KC Chiefs: If you like calling the best plays over executing them in a timely manner, then Andy Reid's Chiefs are for you. Andy Reid's clock management skills have always been suspect, but he proves everyone right by conducting historically-slow drives while two scores behind. On the upside they actually *won* a playoff game for the first time since the nineties, the AFC West is wide open, and TE Travis Kelce is actually a pretty good dancer

Oakland Raiders: These Juggalo fans can enjoy about one season of having a decent QB connecting with WR Amari Cooper before their clown-looking owner Mark Davis and 1st Amendment-hating casino magnate Sheldon Adelson move their team to Las Vegas. The truth is, everyone wants get away from you, Raiders fans.

San Diego Superchargers: Philip Rivers will agree to play the hotbed of sin that is Los Angeles if given enough money.

NFC East:

Dallas Cowboys: Tony Romo will miss at least half the season with a back injury sustained during the preseason, and replacement QB Dak Prescott isn't worried about any flavor of ice cream served up as defense.

NY Football Giants: Holy shit! The G-men finally rid themselves of Old Man Coughlin at the helm, yet leaving behind almost everything else. Normal white guy and now the league's only source of Manningface, Eli Manning will delight us with interceptions and the occasional clutch pass to WR O'dell Beckham, Jr.

Philadelphia Eagles: Trading away QB Sam Bradford in the preseason for some serious draft picks means they'll just throw rookie QB Carlos Wentz out there even though they don't think he's that good.

DC Fightin' Snyders: You like that the Redtail Pigskins won the worst division in the league last year and immediately lost in the playoffs. This trademark-less team is clogging our court system with frivolous crap and you can literally find the defensive play-calling in the dumpster.

NFC North:

D'town Lions: After ruining Calvin Johnson, the Lions will attempt to take the 'Patriot Way' to Detroit. Their new owner has even claimed that this team is the only one he's qualified to own, which makes sense given that they ignore their own policies, their own WR likes that they sucked, and censor local radio stations.

Green Bay Packers: The offensive play-calling is so conservative that it donated to Scott Walker's SuperPAC. The fanbase unironically questions the girth of their star running back. Bro-hero LB John Kuhn signed with the Saints. And we learned in the off-season that Aaron Rodgers doesn't get along with his family.

Minnesota Vikings: Vikes fans can look forward to no longer shanking 27-yard game-winning fieldgoals in historically cold playoff games because they built a new stadium that resembles an imperial crawler that commits avicide. Instead, noted noodle-arm QB Terry Bridgewater decided to match his leg and shatter his knee thricely in the preseason. Minnesota is so remote and insular they think they can win the Super Bowl with Sam Bradford as replacement.

NFC South:

ATL Dirty Birds: After nursing my Falcons to health in the off season, QB Matt Ryan looks to run up the score in the first half in hopes that a four-score lead will stand against our inevitable second half collapse. Samuel L Jackson will implore us to #RiseUp but respects your first amendment right not to.

Carolina Panthers: Star quarterback and food truck vendor Cisqo infamously eluded a lost fumble in the Super Bowl (see above gif), perhaps because CB Cortland Finnegan returned back from the future to tell him it wasn't worth pursuing. It should be another interesting season for the Panthers with WR Kelvin Benjamin returning from injury, linebackers held together with screws, and a grumpy cat owner with a statuesque penchant for socialist realism

NO Aints: No other player in the league so personifies the mindset of the people running the NFL than QB Drew Brees, and I'm glad they're terrible this season so I can get two weekends of gloating when my Dirty Birds beat them.

Tampa Bay Bucs: The Bucs drafted a kicker in the 2nd round and he became known for missing fieldgoals. Nothing else.

NFC West:

Santa Clara 49ers: Nothing is known about this team outside new HC Chip Kelly making their 2nd-string QB protest unnecessarily hastily.

Seattle Seahawks: Star QB and least creative romantic DangeRuss Wilson spent his off-season Snapping the loss of his virginity, a move so insufferable the only decent remaining O-Line member committed a false start on his way to free agency. This franchise is so trying to prove they're cooler than their Silicon Valley rivals they're also using Snapchat for recruiting as well. Today's the 15th anniversary of 9/11, and I hope lunatic HC Pete Carroll does some truthering so that everyone realizes what a nutjob he is. On the plus side, the Seahawks are responsible for at least half a season free of Tony Romo.

Los Angeles Riots: Newly installed in LA, the Ram's are "not fucking going 7-9" as they neglect their former fanbase/taxpayers, their lesser running back, and all the draft picks they had to forgo to pick up QB Jared Goff first overall and put him in the third string.

Zony Cards: After getting blown out by the Panthers in the NFC title game, hoards of Cards fans displayed appreciation for the strong season by welcoming them back to Phoenix. Just kidding! This fanbase is a bunch of bandwagoners that regularly sell playoff tickets to opposing fans and its stadium is packed with so many that the Cards have to use a silent count at home. Also, HC Bruce Arians blames your mom for ruining football. But hey, at least the defense consists of a honey badger of his word and an offense that features the likes of RB David Johnson and WR Larry Fitzgerald.

No comments:

Post a Comment