TNF: In another improbably entertaining game, the Oakland Raiders defeated the KC Reidskins in an ordeal in which everyone fucked up, including the ejection and one-game suspension of Beast Mode for contact with an official.
Sun 1pm: After ridding themselves of DC Miami Vice Gandalf, the NO Aints finally found a defense that looks ready to exploit the newly Rodgers-less (and still C-Kaep-less) GB Pack offense. The re-started DeShone Kizer will give the Titans a tour of the Factory of Sadness. Ron Burgundy continues announcing fucking awesome FG misses for the Jax Jags as they travel to the still Luck-less Colts hoping the Brisket is ready. Da Bears' Pretty Boy Assassin will have his work cut out against Panthers QB Cam Newton if he can find him. Fresh off getting screwed out of a win, the J-E-S-T respect the American flag by sitting on it before visiting the MIA Fins. Now that the Fitzmagic Curse has stricken the TB Bucs, will the Bills continue their strong performance, or are they just taking us for a ride?
4pm-ish: After having a worse week than Harvey Weinstein, the NYFG fixed their offensive woes with HC Ben McAdoo and his hairstyle surrendering play-calling duty, and now host the Seattle Seahawks. Since the Buddhist fans of the Dallas Cowboys self-immolated themselves, fans of other religions will have to step up to root against the Silicon Valley Niners, who's win total is expressed the same in both binary and decimal. Finally having won a game with a fieldgoal, the LA Superchargers' purgatory continues as they host the Broncos in another excruciating road game.
SNF: My Dirty Birds look to elevate their offense, both figuratively and literally, by putting OC Steve Sarkisian in the press box, in this rematch of Super Bowl LI and Worst Day of My Life(tm) against the NE Pats and smug, cheating bitch Tom Brady.
MNF: The Philadelphia Eagles look to improve on their standing in both the NFC East and Goodwill as they host division rival Washington [Redacted].
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