Good news, everyone! It turns out there's been no oppression in this country for the past 100 years, so everyone can go ahead and stop kneeling for the anthem now, ya hear! Accordingly, future President Mike Pence wasted hundreds of thousands of your taxpayer dollars to stage a stunt where he walked away from kneeling Niners players, which surely didn't cause any sort of distraction from an administration that knows nothing else. In case you want to know what the kneeling is really about, read Eric Reid's editorial in the NY Times. In other news, now that a Cowboys player has been arbitrarily suspended by the NFL, the Double J is mad at the extrajudicial system he helped create. At least Roger Goodell's wife can defend the decision from her burner Twitter account.
TNF: A cartoon Tony Romo did the color broadcast of Cam Newton failing to (sucker-)punch the ball in the endzone on the final drive, probably because the best receiver in the game was doing commentary.
1pm (Kensington, Philly): Will my Dirty Birds be able to hold the line against the MIA Ski Team, who, since the Smokin' Jay Cutler experiment, have had trouble sending those checks? There's no tolerance for racism in the NFL, except for the Washington [Redacted]'s teamname, as DCQB Kirk Cousins puts on an audition for the Santa Clara Niners, who just humanely put down their star linebacker. A-aron Rodgers will probably find a way to lead his GB Pack to victory over the childish Minnie Vikes, who are plotting murder against their own QB.
4pm-ish: The Raiders look to restart the Carr against a Chargers squadron in purgatory, facing its sixth straight road game, as hellish fire burns around the stadium. For the second time this season, the TB Bucs forced their kicker to walk the plank, as they visit a Zony Cards franchise featuring Adrian Peterson and Sheriff Joe discussing the finer points of corporal punishment. It looks like Yinzburgh Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger doesn't have it anymore, as he showcases his inability to use his many weapons against the undefeated KC Chiefs.
SNF: It'll be a good start to the week, since you don't need to stay up to discover the result of this one-sided matchup, as the Denver Broncos and their Tight Butt assail the winless NYFG, or rather, the New New York Jets, who have lost their top three receiving threats and suspended their cornerback.
MNF: In our unpredictable topsy-turvy world, this AFC South showdown between the Colts and Titans found itself on a Monday night instead of Thursday.