In Week 5, we start to get hit by the non-hurricane related BYEs [Full disclosure: 'The Field of BYEs' is currently the name of one of my fantasy football teams]. And I went to too many parties this weekend so here we go!
TNF: The NE Pats, featuring Sad Brady and a broken defense, needed a lot of help from the TB Bucs kicking woes in order to squeak out a victory.
Sun 1pm: In Cam Newton's defense, the routes the Panthers run are pretty funny, but after demonstrating that he is not right on the field and off after his sexist comments, his squad faces the technically-challenged D'town Lions without the support of Big Yogurt. The Cleveland Browns look to hand it over to a N-Y-J-E-S-T franchise that, at 2-2, will castrate them because the NYJs can't even tank properly. After signing social justice hero and Super Bowl Quarterback Brandon Weeden, the Tennessee Titans will be sacked by patriotism as they visit a MIA Fins team whose offense gives zero fucks. The Colts' sideline painter found his way into Jim Irsay's medicine cabinet before prepping the field in anticipation of the Santa Clara 49ers' visit.
4pm-ish: The struggling Cowboys' offense host a Green Bay squadron at Jerryland, that hopes to stop making stupid fucking calls. Seahawks CB Richard Sherman stated that fantasy football has ruined fans' ability to feel sympathy for injured players, of which they have many, as they visit the mismatched LA Rams.
SNF: The undefeated KC Reidskins and butt kicker dot com visit the Texas Houstons and their pass rush of terror.
MNF: Da Bears will start rookie Mitchell "Not Mitch" Trubisky over Mike Glennon's neck at quarterback as they host a Minnie Vikes squadron suffering from ACL tears.