Sunday, November 19, 2017

i <heart> nfl: wilbur ross

This week's brief and unpunctual NFL outlook is brought to you by a number of pre-Prohibition cocktails consumed the previous night. Onward!

TNF: The Steelers plan to celebrate their statuesque win over the Tennessee Smurfs with some Bud Light.

Sun 1pm: Down to their last RB, who is probably actually a WR, the GB Pack and QB Jim from The Office will try not to quit as host my beloved Ravens and their complete inability to recover an onside kickJax Jags QB Blake Bortles advises DeShone Kizer of the Browns to “Try to throw it to your team as much as possible.”

4pm-ish: Only streakers are finding the end zone for the Bills, as they visit an LA Chargers side that can't even run out the clock without fumbling.

SNF: Dallas Cowboys owner The Double J looks to attract new fans to the game by drunkenly making racially insensitive jokes to distract from the absence of their star running back, who was suspended, un-suspended, suspended, un-suspended, suspended, un-suspended, and suspended again and now accepts suspension as they host the Philadelphia Eagles.

MNF: My Dirty Birds, with a D-Line featuring Dak Prescott's daddy, visit an unexamined Seattle Seahawks squadron reeling from injuries with a loss of both CB Richard Sherman and Safety Kam Chancellor.

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