Sunday, October 2, 2016

i <heart> nfl: be right back

Oh boy we've got some exciting news in Week 4 of NFL action. Lady Gaga will don a dress made of CTE-afflicted brains to bring us the halftime show of Super Bowl LI. We're already discussing which coach will be fired after an abysmal performance in London. And merch alert! Piss off all your friends with an NFL color rush jersey and/or a t-shirt depicting both your favorite team and musical act

While doing everything wrong, the MIA Fins fifth-year rookie QB Ryan Tannehill coughed it up against the Cincy Bagels and their pass-catching machine.

Sun GMT: At least this game between the Colts and Jags will finally be fucking over before you realized it actually happened since it is in London.

Sun 1pm (PJ Leahy's, LIC): The DC Redwing Skinflutes will again attempt to implode just in time to secure victory against the Cleveland Browns and WR/RB/QB Terrelle Pryor and their kicking disaster. After slamming through the Zony Cards, the Bills look to plant themselves in contention for the division with HC Bill Belichick, who dammit, is a football coach, not a doctor, and whoever the hell their QB is. My Dirty Birds aim to not block their way to victory again against the Carolina Panthers and their MVP of dental hygiene. The Seahawks are determined to start Russel Wilson against six pick-six FitzTragic at the J-E-S-TMy beloved Ravens look to be technically correct, the best kind of correct, as they host the Oakland Juggalos.

4pm-ish: The Rams and their Ponzi scheme of a HC invite the Zony Cards to watch them suck in an entirely different host city.

SNF: Le'Veon Bell returns from his smokin'-the-ganj suspension to aid the Yinzburgh Stillers against the bad clock management of the KC Reidskins.

MNF: At least the NYF Giants can self-medicate when the Minnie Vikes' defense knocks them out of the game.

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