A (relatively) new season of football brings yet another boondoggle in the rulebook. Last year, the NFL had an existential crisis in figuring out what a catch is. This year features a crackdown on taunting, whatever that is. However, it cannot escape quantification, and taunting futures are currently perched at a high of $8103 per pelvic thrust.
TNF: The Santa Clara 49ers might replace their terrible QB with a social-justice activist in order to win after another devastating loss, this time to the Zony Cards.
Sun 1pm: Hopefully NE Pats TE The Gronk is a safe play for fantasy owners [full disclosure: yours truly employs the services of The Gronk in one fantasy league], as DeflateGate is finally over so tablet-smashing HC Bill Belichick's favorite system quarterback can return to the field and offer the rehabbing Cleveland Browns a hug. In a game sadly bereft of shit-talking, my beloved Ravens look to eat the candy of the DC Skins. A three hour episode of Hingle McCringleberry will be on display as the Yinzburgh Stillers wideout Antonio Brown sails past Revis Island to defeat the completely shitty NY J-E-S-T. That the MIA Fins and Tennessee Flaming Thumbtacks had to relocate their game due to Hurricane Matthew is the most exciting thing about that game.
4pm-ish: Rookie QB Paxton Lynch and the Denver Broncos aim to shoot themselves as a result of the economic destruction levelled by my Dirty Birds. Much like the O.co Coliseum after the Raiders move to Las Vegas, the San Diego Superchargers look to implode against the Oakland Juggalos.
SNF: The nation must decide whether to watch the outbursts of Odell Beckham Jr or Donald J Trump.
MNF: After the Falcons trashed the MVP of postgame headware Cam Newton like a rental mansion, the Carolina Panthers QB is in concussion protocol and instead the best Browns QB will start against the perennially delayed TB Bucs.