i <heart> nfl: white christmas

If you're an opponent of fun, you'll be happy to know that Odell Beckham, Jr and Vernon Davis were fined $24,309 and $12,000, respectively, because of touchdown celebrations. You're probably also a Skins fan. We're letting China get way ahead of us! Meanwhile NYFG kicker Josh Brown is still getting paid after his domestic abuse charges. And apparently the NFL knew this was happening for over a year. But that's okay, because NFL commish Roger Goodell knows you're just too stupid to understand. 

TNF: Even without their fat RB, the GB Packers did not let this aggression stand, man, against da Bears, who failed to capitalize in the red zone and shit.

Sun 9:30am: Tally-ho! The LA Rams look to crash the London honeymoon of NYFGWROBJ and the Giants' dearly betrothed kicking net in, are you having a laugh, Twickenham Stadium.

1pm: Jon Bon Jovi is livin' on a prayer that he might be able to buy an NFL franchise, even one as terrible as the Tennessee Titans, who look to shoot the Indy Steel Horses through the heart, as their owner Jim Irsay is wanted dead or alive. After locking up the election for Hilldawg, the DC Fighting Snyders aim to go high when the D'town Lions go low. After a Fitztragic crash, NY J-E-S-T QB Geno Smith looks to punch adversity in the face as he retakes the reigns of this beleaguered team against my beloved Bodymore Ravens. Bills fans can look forward to another weekend of drinking beer through the Miami Dolphins, who are butt. The Cincy Bagels look to maintain Burfict coverage against the Cleveland Browns, in a rivalry for dominance in the worst division in the league. The Minnie Vikes haves been accused of defensive-coordinating while intoxicated, which could bode well for the Philadelphia Eagles' recent offensive struggles.

4pm-ish (Village Tavern, West Village): Leading the league in Matt's, my Dirty Birds host the San Diego Superchargers, who, coming off a long week, surely found another way to lose. The Santa Clara Niners and their spoiled knucklehead QB host the TB Bucs at the Field of Jeans.

SNF: Fucking Russell Wilson goes deep in rivalry against the Zony Cards, who will be able to attend after escaping last week's penalty vortex.

MNF: Texas Houston DT Vince Wilfork knows Texans need a decent dinner more than a win, so they scheduled their match with the Denver Broncos at night.