Saturday, December 31, 2016

i <heart> nfl: whitebear justice park

Congratulations firstly to the Dallas Cowboys (NFC 1st seed), ATL Falcons, Seattle Seahawks, NY Football Giants (NFC 5th seed), NE Patriots, Oakland Raiders, Yinzburgh Steelers (AFC 3rd seed), Texas Houstons (AFC 4th seed), KC Chiefs, and MIA Dolphins for making the playoffs (and none to me for missing another post on Xmas weekend!). We have four teams vying for the final two spots in the postseason (both in the NFC), and if your team was supposed to be one of them, here's the moment it started going wrong for them. Also interesting is that four of the teams in the playoffs will be featuring starting QB's with no playoff experience, whether due to injury as for the Raiders and Dolphins, benching due to the shittiness of the QB you gave an $72 million contract to as with the Houstons, or you managed to pick a very talented rookie as did the Cowboys. On top of that we've got two more head coach firings! Baguars HC Gus Bradley was shitcanned and then forced to ride home with his former team on their chartered plane. And the Ryan brothers rode away into the sunset in Rex's obnoxious Bills truckas this Buffalo Bills franchise is literally rewriting history after also benching former starting QB Tyrod Taylor. Finally, let the NFL provide you with inspiration for all of your New Year's resolutions.

To keep things simple, I'll go through all the games that have playoff implications this weekend.

Sun 1pm: The TB Bucs probably stop here, as they require a seven-game parlay, which includes a tie game, to make the postseason, as they host the Carolina Panthers, who really need a sabbatical after not catching a break all season. Backup QB Matt Moore will manage the MIA Fins to a 5th or 6th seed showing in a game that the NE Pats need to win to get 1st seed in the AFC.

4pm-ish: (Misconduct Tavern, Center City Philly) After clinching the NFC South, my Dirty Birds look for a playoff bye as they hate the hosted NO Aints, who will play without a Pro Bowl QB and soon may see their head coach head for desert-ier pastures. The Oakland Raiders will probably get at least a first-round bye, which probably won't matter since their Super Bowl dreams broke along with starting QB Derek Carr, since the Denver Broncos failed to defend their Super Bowl Championship and are treating Week 17 as an exhibition game. After the doink that changed everything, the KC Reidskins have been outrunning other teams and having their fattest players throw touchdowns in what should be an easy game against the San Diego Superchargers, who have the NFL's worst fans and whose QB Philip Rivers' face is now stuck like that after handing the Cleveland Browns their first win of the season, as they host possibly the last game at the Q because San Diego told the Superchargers to wank off over a stadium deal. The Seattle Seahawks are stunned that they might not have an extra bye week for sexy dancing since they need both a Falcons loss paired with a win against a Santa Clara Niners squadron whose most courageous and inspirational events occurred off the field this season. And how you like the Washington [Redacted] now that they can still make the postseason with a win over the entrenched NYF G-men, as long as the SNF result is not a tie. 

SNF: The winner in this division battle between the GB Pack and D'town Lions determines the NFC North division champion and 4th seed in the playoffs, while the loser may still make wildcard berth depending on what happens prior on that day.

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