Sunday, December 18, 2016

i <heart> nfl: hot shots

Forgive me for the lack of post last week, as I spent the whole weekend entertaining a friend from out of town. I'll do my best to ensure that this one makes up for it. First, congratulations to the Cowboys and Seahawks for clinching playoff berth! And to help you figure out how your team can make it into the playoffs, here are the NFL's tiebreaker rules. In other news, we had our first head coach firing! Former LA Rams HC Jeff Fisher now has plenty of time to find his challenge flag since he won't be coaching one of crappiest teams in the league. And for some reason, the NBC now plays the theme to 'Law & Order: SVU' every time a play is challenged, I guess to make us feel violated while watching the replays.

PoopfestNF: The crappiest TNF game of the season showcased Seahawks HC Pete Carroll burning through challenges like the explosives the government set on 9/11, Richard Sherman playing in the snow for the first time, a fake punt that was executed flawlessly until the punter was crushed and taken to the hospital, an interim Rams coach with three days to prepare his disastrous team against one of the best defenses in the league, and Rams QB Jared Goff concussed for his disrespectful running style

SatNF: If you Just Endured The Suffering last night, you were treated to Bryce Petty time getting demolished and replaced with the QB they forgot to tell was benched, who was up against a backup MIA Fins QB that could manage the game well enough to hand the NY J-E-S-T their asses yet again.

Sun 1pm: In a surprisingly meaningful game, will D'town Lions' QB Matt Stafford get throwing love, even though he is not in love with the glove he must wear due to a finger injury, against the NYFG-men and an HC that knows about details, but not about shenanigans or deflated footballsCincy Bagels' perennially reckless LB Vontaze Burfict has the foresight to ask the NFL if a handgun in his waistband would be a uniform violation before taking on a Yinzburgh Stillers offense featuring nerf balls and top secret WR Ronald OceanSince the Ryan brothers are on tandem hot seats, the Buffalo Bills are personally guaranteed to be left standing against the second Browns dynasty of RGIII and their garbage, accurately speaking, wide receiver. In what is shaping up to be the coldest game in Chicago history, da Bears QB Matt Barkley will wear a wetsuit to keep his Jim Bob Cooter warm, as they host a GB Pack team making a painful playoff push.

4pm-ish (PJ Leahy's, LIC): After getting the LA Rams' coach fired last week, my Dirty Birds look to whip it out again against a Niners squadron whose QB C-Kaep is trying to convince people he's focused on winning instead of social justice and whose defensive members keep retiring. This sexy late game features an NE Pats team looking to clinch playoff berth against defending Super Bowl champion Broncos barely hanging onto their playoff hopes, and who may be looking to transition into different sports.

SNF: Cowboys' owner the Double J may be manufacturing a QB controversy by wishing for an obscene fairy tale in which Tony Romo takes over from Dak Prescott in the playoffs, but Tony Romo's collarbones are still rooting for Dak. Their opponent this weekend has been on a bit of a hot streak, as the TB Bucs have won five straight, gotten their defense sorted out, and their QB has settled federal sexual assault charges.

MNF: The Carolina Panthers visit Skins CB Josh Norman, who I'm sure has nothing against his former team, while remaining doubtful about the status of QB Cam Newton due to the burden of wardrobe decisions.

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