Sunday, December 21, 2014

i <heart> nfl: joe montana

The games are full of implications this week! Only two games have no consequence for the playoffs (see if you can guess which ones!), so buckle in! In other news, LA is gonna have to wait until at least 2016 before some awful team(s) move(s) there. We've got another player released on rape allegations, conveniently after said team was eliminated from playoff contention. Sadly, you can't wear that Aaron Hernandez jersey you got for Christmas to his murder trial. And Congressional incompetence could cancel the Super Bowl! I suppose if this were ever to happen, this is probably the year for it.

Oh no you DON'T!

TNF: It's nice that Google has the poop emoji () technology necessary to describe this game. The Jags defeated the University of Tennessee by a score of whatever to who cares. (Hint: this is the first game that doesn't matter)

SatNF (Shannon Pot, LIC): Saturday Football... woohoo! Desean Jackson exacted revenge on his former team as the Skins probably knocked the Iggles out of playoff contention in last night's last-minute upset. Only December Tony Romo can save them now! Knowing that Jim Harbaugh hunts children for sport, QB and noted procreator Philip Rivers overcame a 21-point deficit to keep the Chargers' playoff hopes alive, in this Falcons-esque loss for the Niners.

Sun 1pm (PJ Leahy's, LIC): My Dirty Birds check into the Hotel Katrina in a must-win against the Nawlins Aints and the worst fans in football. The Carolina Panthers continue to excel at fan costumes with car-crash Cam Newton facing off against Johnny Fucking Football, expected to perform better this week due to his new playcalling flask. My beloved Ravens, led by QB James Franco, are entertained by the Texas Houstons and QB JJ Watt throwing to tight end JJ Watt, with defensive lineman JJ Watt on the other side of the ball. The D'town Lions didn't need to ruin their appetites by eating butthole when the Bills were going to throw them a pizza party. Having already punched their ticket to the playoffs, they travel to a decrepit Bears team whose coaches are being waterboarded and fans are cutting their wrists. Can Tom Brady headbutt his way to the first seed in the AFC with a victory over the J-E-T-S, whose fans look to be receiving their Christmas wish of firing GM Jim Izdik?

4pm-ish: Andrew Luck looks to compliment the nearly-clinching Cowboys to defeat against his Colts. And the StL Rams host the NYF Giants in the other game that doesn't matter this week.

SNF: This NFC West showdown features the Seattle Seahawks against the Zony Cards battling for first place in their division, which would be an enjoyable game if the Cards had a starting QB.

MNF: The Broncos could do me a solid by whaling on the Cincy Bagels like Wes Welker on a dog.

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