Sunday, December 14, 2014

i <heart> nfl: brandon marshall

It's been awhile since we talked about the awful goings-on inside the NFL. This week we learn that the ass-clowns that work for that idiot NFL commissioner Roger Goodell are too cowardly to eat a slice of pizza before his majesty Lord Rog does. Is it any wonder that they try to solve their problems with domestic/child abuse by issuing complicated flowcharts. The league seems to think the Ray Rice/Adrian Peterson sagas were a result of their lack of power, but this seems to me a clear case of people being horrible at their jobs. Roger Goodell clearly lied about the Ray Rice tape and interview, and is hopefully soon replaced by someone competent. Elsewhere we have sweatshirt enthusiast and NE Pats coach Bill Bellchick colluding with the team doctor to defraud a player out of millions of dollars. And Adrian Peterson has nothing else to do while suspended, so he's expected to sue the NFL tomorrow, and may retire from football altogether. A good summary of the recent atrociousness can be found in this Deadspin article. What fun!

Now that I've gotten that off my chest, this week's slate of games is quite good! With three games to go for each team, no team has yet to clinch a playoff spot, the first time in 35 years. And a full two thirds of teams are still in the hunt, making every victory/loss that much essential for postseason hopes. Also look for coach firings to commence!

Oh no! Flopping has come to the NFL!

TNF: Yielding to the wishes of the Furgeson protestors, the Zony Cards and StL Rams scored only fieldgoals, in an awful throwback game to a time before the invention of the forward pass.

Sun 1pm (PJ Leahy's, LIC): The car wreck that is the NFC South transmogrified into an actual car wreck, as Carolina QB Cam Newton's truck flipped over four times, barely hurting the QB as he is apparently on God's fantasy team. He will remained sidelined due to pain however, as the Panthers face off against former employer of indentured servants, the TB Bucs. My division-leading (5-2^3) Dirty Birds host an inconsistent Stillers team that is likewise vying for a vision title. Noted midget Johnny Fucking Football makes his first start for the Browns, as he attempts to hug it out against division rival Cincy Bagels. The question of whether F-Bombs can hurt aquatic lifeforms will be answered as the NE Pats can secure the division and the firing of Miami coach Joe Philbin with a win over the Fins. And the JJ Watts host the Confederate States of America, as Texas must win out for the possibility of a playoff spot.

4pm-ish: Noted porn-lover and Seattle QB Russell Wilson takes on the newly hapless Santa Clara 110001ers, led by chump/bitch-ass QB Colin Kaepernick. All of the J-E-T-S are showing concussion symptoms, so they'll be grounded against no one. A contest between Manning-face and Laser-face will commence that could allow the Broncos to capture the division, so look for them to get shocked by the Chargers. And that's all the division-capturing that can happen today! 

SNF: The Double J and his 'Boys are hosted by the Philadelphia Iggles and QB impersonator Sanchize, as viewers patiently hold their collective breathe, look at the calendar, and wait for the inevitable Tony Romo collapse. Take care not to choke on your plate of nachos.

MNF: Although suffering from buyer's remorse, da Bears could do me a solid here by defeating the equally-hapless NO Aints.

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