Sunday, October 14, 2018

i <heart> nfl: 2018 season outlook

Welcome back to another season of the NFL! Well, we're actually well into Week 6 of the season, and I guess that's because I had shit to do. Now that things are settling down, I aim to resume my weekly updates with characteristic regularity.

Nextly, congratulations to the Philadelphia Eagles, who should have been my Dirty Birds the year before!!!


Onto the teams! Vegas win over/under totals in parentheses. 

AFC East:

New England Pats (11.0): Fresh off a Super Bowl loss, I wonder how the Pats would have done if HC Bill Belichick had not benched star CB Malcolm Butler. Watch the drama unfold as hometown bargain (as 44th highest paid NFL player) and QB (and definitely not WR) Tom Brady pissily rage quits press conferences when he gets questions about his shady holistic lifestyle and personal training company. Also that the owner had a love child and their completely non-racist fans burnt Patriots jerseys when some players kneeled for the national anthem, and I look forward to what this season will bring.

NY J-E-S-T (6.0): Going into last season in rebuilding mode, the J-E-S-T managed a 5-11 record because they can't even tank properly. They retained the services of their shitty coach and GM because the owner was to busy raising his sons to be shitty. The J-E-S-T traded up to pick large-headed QB Sanchize 2.0, another USC product with a fumbling problem can look forward to mentorship by ancient journeyman Josh McCown. At least they can be proud they're not the Giants.

Buffalo Bills (6.0): After making the playoffs for the first time this century due to a flash of competence from the Bengals (!?), the Buffalo Bills traded away the mispronounced QB Tyrod Taylor and replaced him with human piƱata Nathan Peterman. The fans of this team, which is responsible for domestic terrorism and naked felony vandalismenact metaphors for this team's end result every season.

MIA Fins (6.5): After the Jay Cutler experiment last season, starting QB and project-you-forgot Ryan Tannehill returns to the helm of this mediocre offense. All of the linesman are concussed or insane.

AFC North:

Bodymore Ravens (8.0): Fresh off failing to make the playoffs due to a touchdown pass from the Red Rocket, the Ravens will continue to employ the quantum superposition of eliteness himself, QB Joe Flacco, whose wavefunction long ago collapsed to the 'not' state, under center. Meanwhile, stud rookie Lamar Jackson will languish on the bench until the owner forces HC Jon Harbaugh to start him.

Cincinnati Bagels (6.5): Buffalo MVP Andy Dalton still coached by Cincy HC Marvin Lewis. Vontaze Burfict is suspended for the first four games, so other defensive members will have to step up on the dirty hits.

Cleveland Browns (5.5): As the second NFL franchise to achieve a winless 0-16 season, the hapless Cleveland Browns can't even win at losing. The brightest outlook for the Browns this season is it can't get any worse than the last one. They've now gone from trusting the process to burning draft picks. Coached by Hue Jackson, who hasn't lost his magic of winning one game over the past two seasons, look forward to new OC Todd Haley getting into bar fights and crotch-grabbing Oklahoma product Baker Mayfield under center

Yinzburgh Steelers (10.5): The most successful failures in the NFL were trounced by the Jax Jags at home twice last season much to delight by everyone who's not a Yinzer. Gray-dicked QB Ben Roethlisberger is at the helm for another season because he feels the pressure from drafted rookie QB Mason Rudolph. Their star RB will hold out for the entire season so these fucks don't run him into the ground.

AFC South:

Jax Jaguars (9.0): Your southern franchise of the Buffalo Bills. Last season the Jags made it to the AFC Championship game (!?) on the strength of their defense, o-line, and running game, only to fuck themselves out of a lead against the hated NE Pats (causing this "halftime adjustment"). Much like his own wallet, QB Blake Bortles puts the football in ill-advised places. Jacksonville is the only city in which I've seen a Nazi #irl.

Tennessee Titans (8.0): The Titans, who won a playoff game for the first time in, like, forever, immediately went on to fire their HC after their inevitable loss to the Pats. New HC and and total meathead Mike Vrabel takes the helm as the Titans look to trample the weak and hurdle the dead, surely sage advice for our imminent post-apocalyptic world. 

Texas Houstons (8.5): Your favorite prison run by inmates, the Houstons should get a few weeks out of the second coming of RGIII in QB Deshaun Watson, because the Houstons aren't allowed to have nice things.

Indy (6.5): Things are looking up for Indy, since the physical problems with QB Andrew Luck are actually mental, and he is now actively surviving the act of throwing footballs, so much so, that he's sure he can throw one over a mountain. Prolly cause all the players suck, this team got stood up at the altar when Pats OC Josh McDaniels retracted his deal to become the head coach, so look forward to them driving that truck into the ol' tar pit this season.

AFC West:

Denver Broncos (7.0): If you're looking for a team that is defeated in the draft as well as on the field, then the Denver Broncos are for you! While CB Aqib Talib departing will lead to a loss of snatched chains, the drafting of LB Bradley Chubb joining TE Jake Butt is a gain for juvenile humor.

KC Chiefs (8.5): The KC Reidskins abdicated themselves of game-manager QB Alex Smith this season to start the second coming of Brett Favre, who's 69-yard (heh) bomb against my Dirty Birds in the preseason is the longest recorded NFL pass. The NFL shows how little fun they are by not letting actual doctor/KC linebacker Dr. Laurent Duvernay-Tardif put the M.D. on his jersey

Oakland(ish) Raiders (8.0): In what's supposed to be their last season in Oakland before taking a permanent residency in Las Vegas, the Raiders are gonna grind you back to 1998 with the hiring of HC Jon Gruden. Out are analytics and data (or day-ta) and in are fullbacksold school football, and Spider 2 Y Banana

LA Superchargers (9.5): This NFL franchise that is only ever noticed by opposing fanbases, for losing games in the stupidest ways, for everyone who played on the team dying, and everyone else on the team being injured. They'll win the AFC West and no one in LA will care.

NFC East:

Dallas Cowboys (8.5): This Trump-supporting fan base should know that his Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh doesn't think Dez caught itHats off to Cowboy's owner and noted anthem-respecter the Double J, who will let you play on his team if you beat up women or violate substance abuse policy, but not if you take a knee. QB Dak Prescott will have an even worse year throwing to a cast-off receiving corps that can't even keep a car in bounds.

NY Football Giants (7.0): The New York Giants are aware of the video showing that they are rebuilding their team around the 37-year old QB that is Eli Manning. At least they drafted rookie RB Saquon Barkley to pair with receiving threat Odell Beckham, Jr (powered by cocaine pizza) in his last year of contract, even if the GM doesn't trust the math

Philadelphia Eagles (10.0): Now that the Eagles have won a Super Bowl, the ashes of loved ones have finally been spreadthrown beers were effortlessly caught, and Tom Brady's ass has been slapped. The franchise that had testicular fortitude to call the Philly Special against the Patriots will, soon enough, regress back to getting the wrong play formation tattooed on their bodies, looting gas stationsand making draft moves too clever for themselves. With last season's almost-MVP Carson Wentz still injuredwhich Nick Foles will we get to start the season?

Washington [Redacted] (7.0): It's a different vibe on this team, with QB Kirk Cousins going to the Vikings and being replaced with the elder Alex Smith. To anyone who's talked themselves into thinking this is a good idea, I've got a position for you on the White House communications staff.

NFC North:

Da Bears (6.5): If you were wondering which team to root for that has needless celebrations resulting in fumbles, head coaching that results in turnovers, an offense that shelters sophomore QB Mitchy Trubes so he doesn't make any mistakes, and a front office left with the only unsigned drafted rookie, then da Bears are for you!

D'town Lions (7.5): Michiganthe state that aims to be the capital of (non-Catholic church-relatedsexual harassment cases, had its D'town Lions go and blindly hire NE Pats OC Matt Patricia as their head coach without checking him out, and you'll have to either guess or click on this link to see what he's been accused of.

Green Bay Packers (10.0): Don't worry when QB Aaron Rodgers inevitably shatters his collarbone again, because your quarterback room is exactly where it needs to be. Come December this team will be the football equivalent of shitting in a hamper.

Minnesota Vikings (10.0): Something called a Case Keenum was brought to the NFC Championship by something called the Minnesota Miracle. This season, the Vikes will employ a new QB in Kirk Cousins, who's corniness is actually an asset in the Midwest, until he meets his inevitable death by a tube of rocks. At least any idiot with a video tablet can do your head coach's job.

NFC South:

ATL Dirty Birds (9.0): Expect great things now that the Falcons offense has warmed up to its offensive coordinator. That is unless my Dirty Birds continue broadcast their play calls, as when they came up short against the Eagles last postseason, or walking saltine and QB Matt Ryan continues to throw assterceptions.

Carolina Panthers (9.0): If you like sexual harassment and domestic abuse in the form of team management, the Carolina Panthers are for you. Out is perma-scowled owner Jerry Richardson and in is new owner and displayer of brass balls David Tepper. On the field, we have a QB in Cam Newton who, when not concussed, is being trashed by his former wide receivers.

NO Aints (9.5): Pass is… CAUGHT! DIGGS! SIDELINE! TOUCHDOWN!!!! UNBELIEVABLE!!!!!!!! When the Saints defense went low, Stefon Diggs went high to come up with the Minnesota Miracle, a game-winning last second touchdown that is a karmic retort to Saints fans celebrating the Pats the previous year (for me, at least!). Remember that this team treats their cheerleader like a certain type of people a certain time ago and who's formerly mentally competent and now dead owner is enstatued for not moving the team to San Antonio after Hurricane Katrina. 

Tampa Bay Bucs (6.5): Guess who's suspending for three games after groping an Uber driver!? Why, that would be none other than Bucs QB Jameis Winston, your crab leg-stealingW-eating FSU product, who has grown and learned as a person as much as he has as a quarterback. A more entertaining product can certainly be found in the mobile strip club outside than on the field.

NFC West:

Santa Clara 49ers (8.5): The Silicon Valley 110001ers finally secured a QB in porn-star-dating Jimmy Garoppolo that is as hot as the seats in the sun at Levi's Field of Jeans. 

Seattle Seahawks (8.0): Seahawks head coach and STEEL BEAMS DON'T MELT advocate Pete Carroll ran out of motivational stories so had to overhaul the roster, making leading rusher QB Russell Wilson the only player you recognize on the empty husk of this team.

Los Angeles Rams (10.0): Mercifully free of former coach Jeff Fisher's 7-9 bullshit, new HC and notable millennial Sean McVay took the Rams to the playoffs for the first time in 13 seasons, and Los Angeles couldn't give less of a shit. The Rams could get more attendance at their games by issuing casting calls.

Zony Cards (5.5): Reverting back to shitty form last season, veterans QBs Sam Bradford and Mike Glennon welcome rookie and noted anti-Trump Instagrammer Josh Rosen to the Brett Kavanaugh of NFL franchises.

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