Saturday, January 3, 2015

i <heart> nfl: wildcard weekend!

Welcome to Wildcard Weekend! Except last year, it has recently been more typical for a Super Bowl champion to have played this weekend, so look for those sweet, sweet upsets. And since the glass is concurrently half full and half empty, here's the reason why any of the twelve playoff teams could win the Super Bowl and each one's fatal flaws. I've also made this handy-dandy playoff bracket for your betting/viewing pleasure.

Panthers (-6.5) v Zony Cards (Sat 4:35pm ESPN, LIC Bar, LIC):  Coverage begins at 4:20pm because you'll probably need to be high to take in this game, as the first cable-broadcast NFL playoff shit-show featuring possibly the worst starting QB in playoff history taking on the king of the tire fire that is the NFC South. Seeing as how the WatchESPN streaming service went down during the Rose Bowl, you may want to have a coax-friendly/satellite backup plan. Or maybe just more weed.

Stillers (-3.5) v Ravens (Sat 8:15pm NBC): Tonight the whole nation will learn that, you know, these teams just don't like each other! The Bagels did my beloved Ravens a solid last week by injuring star Stiller RB Le'Veon Bell last week, hopefully rendering their offensive play one-dimensional. The ladies can feel safer knowing that the Ravens head of security won't be committing any sexual assault, as he's on administrative leave. But they might wanna worry about that QB.

Colts (-3.5) v Bagels (Sun 1:05pm NBC, LIC or Brooklyn): The Bagels haven't won a playoff game in the information age, and their sometimes red hot yet always ginger QB Andy Dalton is known for imploding in the national spotlight. Expect Andrew Luck to compliment him for it!

Cowboys (-6.5) v Lions (Sun 4:40pm FOX): Suspensions to the notoriously dirty Detroit defense are now overturned or served, likely because the NFL knows most of the country will be rooting for a Ndamukong Suh stomp to Tony Romo's back. The 'Boys defense is likewise looking to take down Lions WR Golden Tate. And those crazy Taiwanese animators are simply rooting for the complete destruction of The Double J's junk.

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