Sunday, February 5, 2017

i <heart> nfl: super bowl li!!!

Welcome to Super Bowl LI, the one that comes after 50!!! In these unsure time, with cats and dogs competing together and Rex Ryan going to the Super Bowl (as an ESPN analyst), we will be refreshingly distracted by unhealthy snacking, excessive drinking, and today's game of sportsballThe Cleveland Browns can proudly boast many former players participating in it! In case you have young ones watching the game, here's how to talk to your kids about deflategateIn other news, Raiders fans can breathe a sigh of relief that Sheldon Adelson pulled out of the Las Vegas stadium deal (and it seems Goldman Sachs as well), removing the current threat to move the team out of Oakland.

I have been personally converting all of my unaffiliated friends into Falcons fans, and here's how you can fake it, too. As always, if you're up for some football or non-football related Super Bowl Prop Bets, shoot me a text! Below are your usual attributes of the big game and which team they favor.

What: Super Bowl LI between the New England Patriots and my Atlanta Falcons!!! The top offense of the Falcons battling the top defense of the Patriots should make for a fun game capping off an unexciting postseason. In historically similar games, the top defense won four out of five times. Advantage Patriots.

When: Kickoff takes place at 6:30 EST, Sunday, Feb 5, but if you're feeling more meta, the first announcement of when Super Bowl LI starts was published at 1:20pm EST, Friday, Jan 20. FOX brings us announcers Joe Buck and Troy Aikmen, so you can be forgiven for turning down the sound and just blaring Migos during the entire event. At least the toughest person at the Super Bowl will be on the sideline. As of this writing, Tom Brady has never lost to the Falcons. Advantage Patriots.

Who: Donald Trump and the City of Atlanta square off again after the Unforced Error insulted beloved District 5 Congressman and Civil Rights hero John Lewis. The Patriots installed Donald Trump as president while the Falcons' owner Arthur Blank recently spoke out against him. Quarterbacks Thomas Edward Patrick Brady Jr and Matthew Thomas Ryan bring us a record number of first names in the Super Bowl. America should and is rooting for the Falcons. Advantage Falcons.

Where: NRG Stadium in Houston, TX, the American city that welcomes the most refugees. Aside from Houston being a sprawling metropolis on par with Atlanta, Twitter found that people protesting the Donald's immigration policies are also Falcons fans. Advantage Falcons.

How: As the number one and two seeds going into the playoffs, the Patriots and Falcons both rolled over their competition, producing one of the more boring postseasons so far. Push.


Advantage Falcons.

Offense: With the number one scoring offense, the Dirty Birds look to utilize sweet death WR Julio Jones, their dual threat at running back, and focus on the tight end position rivaling that of the Pats. That the Pats are still undefeated with Dion Lewis in the lineup is no match for that. Advantage Falcons.

Defense: The Patriots possess the stingiest scoring defense in the NFLFans of punk rock will appreciate the Misfits appearing in the secondary for the Falcons. The Dirty Birds young defense features sack leader Vic Beasly and is leaning on the experience of Dwight Freeneybut even with all that, the Atlanta defense could be basically fucked. Advantage Patriots.

Uniforms: As the 'home team' of the Super Bowl, Atlanta opted for their cooler red uniforms, meaning that the Pats get their lucky white ones. Advantage Patriots.

Entertainment: Migos Lady Gaga has been coy about the details of her halftime performance, but it's likely she'll sport a dress made of deflated footballs and make political statements against Donald Trump. Advantage Falcons.

Celebrities: Although Samuel L Jackson is doing his best to support the Falconsthe cringeworthy caricature of Boston brought to you by Mark Wahlberg, Ben Affleck, and Matt Damon is what sticks in the minds of most. Advantage Patriots.

Music: Aerosmith and the New Kids on the Block don't hold a candle to the depth and quality of hip-hop offered by the ATL, including Outkast, Ludacris, Lil Jon, Gucci Mane, T.I., Future and Migos, who just dropped today's hottest hip-hop album, to name a few. Atlanta already annihilated New England in the Super Bowl of music. Advantage Falcons.

Taglines: The Patriots' 'Do Your Job' and Falcons' 'In Brotherhood' are both corny, yet somehow effective. Push.

Curses: Capping off a sports season that saw the Chicago Cubs win their first World Series in over a hundred years and Cleveland win a championship of any kind, my Dirty Birds finally hoisting the Lombardi trophy over their heads would make for a third. Advantage Falcons.

Awareness: Amid the country descending into chaos the past two weeks, Pats QB and noted Trump supporter Tom Brady "[hasn't] really paid attention" because he's "just a positive person" while HC Bill Belichick only knows he's "got a big game." Falcons WR Mohamed Sanu, the only Muslim player in the Super Bowl, much like the rest of us, is aware of what's happening but prefers not to think about it. Advantage Falcons.

Security: New England fans have been changing their router passwords to GO_NEWENGLAND so anyone can hack their wi-fi, whereas Falcons OC Kyle Shanahan lost a backpack containing the offensive playbook for half an hour (luckily safe from the eyes of Bill Belichick). Push.

Nature: Apparently animals are cheering on the Falcons while Boston is located in the inhospitable northeast. Advantage Falcons.

Romance: President Trump recounted a time when Patriots HC Bill Belichick gave him hugs and kisses on the sideline while telling him that he loved him. Also Patriots TE Rob Gronkowski scored the 69th touchdown of his career this season, so he's definitely not going to get another one even if he wasn't injured for this game. Advantage Falcons.

Partying: Atlanta's mayor is keeping the bars up extra late for celebrating Falcons fans, while Atlanta gas stations have put Sam Adams on lockdown to prevent Bostonians from having fun. Advantage Falcons.

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