Sunday, September 21, 2014

i <heart> nfl: russell wilson

I'm sorry to report that every player that wasn't injured in the first two weeks of the season is currently suspended for domestic/child abuse. No longer limited to teams that wear purple, suspended/suspect players now hail from the Niners, Zony Cards, and Panthers in addition to the Ravens and Vikings, the seeming ubiquity of which can create bewildering meta-headlines such as this. Just reported on Friday, ESPN has evidence that the NFL, Ravens owner and GM all knew about the Ray Rice elevator tapes and attempted to cover it up, including trying to bribe Rice himself to stay quiet. I definitely went just a bit short on the Ginger Hammer-firing wager. Luckily none of you took me up on it.

On the lighter side, here are Philadelphia Eagles coaches on how to properly fondle the ball:

TNF: My beloved Dirty Birds stunned Tampa Bay coach Lovie Smith into thinking his opponents were 11 dancing challenge flags, as evidenced by the 56-14 bloodbath, and that 14 doesn't really count since Atlanta removed all their starters in the 4th quarter. The star of the night was Devon Hester, who broke Dieon Sanders' punt return record and earned his first career rushing TD in front of his former coach formerly of da Bears.

Sun 1pm (Somewhere in Brooklyn? Don't make me go to a Ravens bar to watch this): San Diego charges into Buffalo as these two surprisingly decent teams square off. Not to be outdone by the lines for the iPhone 6 sale this week, my beloved Ravens hosted a Ray Rice jersey exchange, the melancholy of which helps prepare them for entry to the Factory of Sadness, with comedic interludes brought to you by the Browns' punter. Everyone, including the players, know that the Raiders suck, and since Tom Brady isn't making any friends anyway, he's taken to trolling his opponents about the Tuck Rule. Oakland "fans" could try this: the Pats are still in last place in the AFC East. The DC Redwing Pigskins' noted gang member/affiliate/wide receiver Desean Jackson will play with or without a strained AC joint against the team that clumsily cut him, reports Philadelphia Iggles RB Lesean McCoy. An AC joint sounds like a gang thing, anyway. Prop Bet: Does he get booed? The hapless NY Football Giants host the slightly-less hapless Houston Texans, whose defense looks set to produce a plethora of Manningface. The Jacksonville Baguars dust off the cabanas as they host fellow division-trailing Slobbering Amish.

4ish: In a much-coveted Super Bowl postview, the Seattle Seahawks host (previously noted) shrewd businessman Peyton Manning and his Broncos. Maybe this time it's personal. The Niners travel to the division-leading Zony Cards in what could be a watchable matchup if the previous one yet again gets out of hand.

SNF: I suppose watching the Panthers' defense pounce on the anemic offense of the Yinzburg Stillers will be entertaining enough for one half.
MNF: Da Bears are entertained by the NY J-E-T-S in a game that promises to feature no receivers.

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