i <heart> nfl: nosedive

Happy Halloween weekend, everyone! Here are some last-minute costume ideas for you, although I'd add an NFL executive receiving an award for domestic abuse prevention as the most ironic. I'm going as Sam Bradford because I'm lazy. And here's more evidence that the Chinese are winning at our very own game.

TNF: The Smurfs handily defeated the Grey Poupon and their barely alive coach.

Sun 9:30am: The DC Fighting Snyders aim to pass water in the general direction of the Cincy Bagels. 

1pm: The World Series of football is today and unbelievable N-Y-J-E-T-S QB Fitzmagic is back under center against a Cleveland Browns franchise that's not forced to start their 27th QB since 1999's league expansion. The fastest guy on the field and a Lyft driver who knows what number is after 68 travel to the best Halloween costume of the season. The Zony Cards try to avoid bullshit plays as they face off with the Carolina Panthers.  Whoever the D'town Lions QB may be, it's almost certainly better that the historic catastrophe the Texas Houstons play at the position.

4pm-ish: My Dirty Birds aim to not get interfered with against the GB Packers, in a matchup that looks to be long on yards but short on D.

SNF: The Cowboys and Eagles look to make history by playing a game with each other's quarterbacks.

MNF: Da Bears QB Jay Cutler is miraculously cleared to play and super excited about consultants looking into why his team is so bad as they host the soft as slaughtered stuffed animals Minnie Vikes. 

i <heart> nfl: white christmas

If you're an opponent of fun, you'll be happy to know that Odell Beckham, Jr and Vernon Davis were fined $24,309 and $12,000, respectively, because of touchdown celebrations. You're probably also a Skins fan. We're letting China get way ahead of us! Meanwhile NYFG kicker Josh Brown is still getting paid after his domestic abuse charges. And apparently the NFL knew this was happening for over a year. But that's okay, because NFL commish Roger Goodell knows you're just too stupid to understand. 

TNF: Even without their fat RB, the GB Packers did not let this aggression stand, man, against da Bears, who failed to capitalize in the red zone and shit.

Sun 9:30am: Tally-ho! The LA Rams look to crash the London honeymoon of NYFGWROBJ and the Giants' dearly betrothed kicking net in, are you having a laugh, Twickenham Stadium.

1pm: Jon Bon Jovi is livin' on a prayer that he might be able to buy an NFL franchise, even one as terrible as the Tennessee Titans, who look to shoot the Indy Steel Horses through the heart, as their owner Jim Irsay is wanted dead or alive. After locking up the election for Hilldawg, the DC Fighting Snyders aim to go high when the D'town Lions go low. After a Fitztragic crash, NY J-E-S-T QB Geno Smith looks to punch adversity in the face as he retakes the reigns of this beleaguered team against my beloved Bodymore Ravens. Bills fans can look forward to another weekend of drinking beer through the Miami Dolphins, who are butt. The Cincy Bagels look to maintain Burfict coverage against the Cleveland Browns, in a rivalry for dominance in the worst division in the league. The Minnie Vikes haves been accused of defensive-coordinating while intoxicated, which could bode well for the Philadelphia Eagles' recent offensive struggles.

4pm-ish (Village Tavern, West Village): Leading the league in Matt's, my Dirty Birds host the San Diego Superchargers, who, coming off a long week, surely found another way to lose. The Santa Clara Niners and their spoiled knucklehead QB host the TB Bucs at the Field of Jeans.

SNF: Fucking Russell Wilson goes deep in rivalry against the Zony Cards, who will be able to attend after escaping last week's penalty vortex.

MNF: Texas Houston DT Vince Wilfork knows Texans need a decent dinner more than a win, so they scheduled their match with the Denver Broncos at night.

i <heart> nfl: the waldo moment

I'm not going to let a little brain damage stop me from getting out your football outlook, even if it is almost halftime!

TNF: San Diego Superchargers HC Mike McCoy ran out of ways to lose, and so they defeated the Denver Broncos. Game recap provided by Philip Rivers' face.

Sun 1pm: The DC Fighting Snyders won't be taunting the fact they can't see straight as they face the Philly Iggles. The NYF G-men should pick on someone their own size and so they will get bullied by my beloved Ravens. After starting five different QB's in five losses, the sick joke that is the Cleveland Browns will return to Josh McCown and not take any more toll on the Quarterback Cape as they face the Tennessee Titans. The Santa Clara Niners will start a social justice activist at QB, so backup QB Blaine Gabbert will kneel due to the oppression of bad quarterbacks, as they face the Trump-supporting Buffalo BIlls.

4pm-ish (Misconduct Tavern, Philly): My Dirty Birds look forward to some enlightened locker room talk with the Seattle Seahawks.

SNF: Maybe the NFL should always have flex scheduling all season given the prime time games have been boring such as this heated division rivalry between the middling Colts and Houstons, whose offense isn't even on the same page.

MNF: The N-Y-J-E-T-S are in an even more perfect place with WR Eric Decker on the IR as they visit the Zony Cards.

i <heart> nfl: white bear

A (relatively) new season of football brings yet another boondoggle in the rulebook. Last year, the NFL had an existential crisis in figuring out what a catch is. This year features a crackdown on taunting, whatever that is. However, it cannot escape quantification, and taunting futures are currently perched at a high of $8103 per pelvic thrust.

TNF: The Santa Clara 49ers might replace their terrible QB with a social-justice activist in order to win after another devastating loss, this time to the Zony Cards.

Sun 1pm: Hopefully NE Pats TE The Gronk is a safe play for fantasy owners [full disclosure: yours truly employs the services of The Gronk in one fantasy league], as DeflateGate is finally over so tablet-smashing HC Bill Belichick's favorite system quarterback can return to the field and offer the rehabbing Cleveland Browns a hug. In a game sadly bereft of shit-talking, my beloved Ravens look to eat the candy of the DC Skins. A three hour episode of Hingle McCringleberry will be on display as the Yinzburgh Stillers wideout Antonio Brown sails past Revis Island to defeat the completely shitty NY J-E-S-T. That the MIA Fins and Tennessee Flaming Thumbtacks had to relocate their game due to Hurricane Matthew is the most exciting thing about that game. 

4pm-ish: Rookie QB Paxton Lynch and the Denver Broncos aim to shoot themselves as a result of the economic destruction levelled by my Dirty Birds. Much like the O.co Coliseum after the Raiders move to Las Vegas, the San Diego Superchargers look to implode against the Oakland Juggalos. 

SNF: The nation must decide whether to watch the outbursts of Odell Beckham Jr or Donald J Trump.

MNF: After the Falcons trashed the MVP of postgame headware Cam Newton like a rental mansion, the Carolina Panthers QB is in concussion protocol and instead the best Browns QB will start against the perennially delayed TB Bucs.

i <heart> nfl: be right back

Oh boy we've got some exciting news in Week 4 of NFL action. Lady Gaga will don a dress made of CTE-afflicted brains to bring us the halftime show of Super Bowl LI. We're already discussing which coach will be fired after an abysmal performance in London. And merch alert! Piss off all your friends with an NFL color rush jersey and/or a t-shirt depicting both your favorite team and musical act. 

TNF: While doing everything wrong, the MIA Fins fifth-year rookie QB Ryan Tannehill coughed it up against the Cincy Bagels and their pass-catching machine.

Sun GMT: At least this game between the Colts and Jags will finally be fucking over before you realized it actually happened since it is in London.

Sun 1pm (PJ Leahy's, LIC): The DC Redwing Skinflutes will again attempt to implode just in time to secure victory against the Cleveland Browns and WR/RB/QB Terrelle Pryor and their kicking disaster. After slamming through the Zony Cards, the Bills look to plant themselves in contention for the division with HC Bill Belichick, who dammit, is a football coach, not a doctor, and whoever the hell their QB is. My Dirty Birds aim to not block their way to victory again against the Carolina Panthers and their MVP of dental hygiene. The Seahawks are determined to start Russel Wilson against six pick-six FitzTragic at the J-E-S-T. My beloved Ravens look to be technically correct, the best kind of correct, as they host the Oakland Juggalos.

4pm-ish: The Rams and their Ponzi scheme of a HC invite the Zony Cards to watch them suck in an entirely different host city.

SNF: Le'Veon Bell returns from his smokin'-the-ganj suspension to aid the Yinzburgh Stillers against the bad clock management of the KC Reidskins.

MNF: At least the NYF Giants can self-medicate when the Minnie Vikes' defense knocks them out of the game.